Unconscious Dating

Q:  Can you tell me why you wrote, ‘Dating From the Inside Out?’ 

A:   As a psychologist (and a previously single woman) I felt that there was a lot of poor dating advice flying around.  Best selling dating books were advising women to follow prescriptive ‘rules’ that told them to play universal games and to not be themselves.  In the short term this may have worked, but I could just imagine all these newly married women waking up one day and their husbands saying to them, ‘Who are you?’  Then we wonder why our divorce rate is so high!  So all the dating advice was either centered around manipulation or it was superficial, such as prescribing flirtation and appearance tips etc.  There was nothing that spoke about an inner readiness and awareness when it comes to attracting a life mate.  I found in my own journey that this was the work that was helpful.  I also saw this with my clients. 

Q:  And today you are married? 

A: Yes, I’ve been married now almost 2 years and we have a 4 month old son, my hearts desire.  I married somewhat late (at 36 years old) because I wanted to focus on my career, get my doctorate and license first.  Then I turned my focus to settling down and thinking about what I wanted in a partner.  ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ is partly an outgrowth of that personal process.  It also is a culmination of many hours of coaching with clients and classes with my students.  I tend to see the same challenges again and again and I explore these in my book.

Q: What are the major components in ‘Dating From the Inside Out?’ 

A:  My book is divided into three major sections: Unconscious Dating (Here you look at old patterns, limiting beliefs, defensive dating styles and parental blueprints that stop you from finding love), Be the Partner You Wish to Attract (this section helps you own your strengths and achieve life satisfaction.  It helps you become clear about what you most need in a relationship) and Conscious Dating (which helps you date based on your new realizations and choose someone who is good for you this time!) 

Q:  Your book talks about how to deal with rejection, is this a big part of dating? 

A:  Yes, I have a chapter on this because often singles reject themselves in the process of dating.  It is a numbers game and just like with anything in life, there are bound to be ‘no’s’ on the road to success.  My book helps the reader develop a mind set to deal with this.  It gives quizzes so they can see if they are saying no to their dates too often and too soon.  It also gives them a quiz so they can see if their fear of rejection is stopping them from getting out there and doing to consistent work to meet someone.  I always say, ‘The right person will stick around.  So it’s best to just say, ‘Next!’ 

Q: How do you help singles to date consciously? 

A:  I help them to recognize ‘the dating hole’ they keep falling into.  Once they see what is not working (like continually picking unavailable men) they can look for a mate that will work better.  Also, my book provides 4 checklists to use and suggests keeping an ongoing dating journal so you can see your choices in black and white and be honest about the health of that relationship.   

Q:  How do you help singles take action in your book? 

A:  My book helps singles to create a dating action plan where they commit to going out regularly, so they walk their talk.  It also teaches them about Internet dating and provides a list of dating resources that empower them to take lots of action. 

Q:  Do you find that singles repeat their parental patterns or blueprint? 

A:  Yes, this happens a lot.  If a woman had a controlling mom and a passive, dismissive dad she will often recreate that relationship dynamic without awareness that she is doing it.  My book helps her identify this pattern and image of relationship.  Then she can create a new image of what she would like to create instead and begin to consciously work on it.  Otherwise, we are doomed to repeat our past.

Q:  Do you think finding love should take work? 

A:  I am asked this question a lot, especially by people who believe in fate and think love happens when you least expect it.  It can happen that way for some but I see many people who are about to lose their chance to have children and are still sitting in their pajama’s waiting for someone to ring their bell.  I believe in a combination of inner readiness and taking action on what you want.  When your feelings, thoughts and actions work in tandem you’re most likely to manifest what you want.  Finding a partner is no exception.  You need to know yourself, be open, vibrate it on all those levels and walk your talk.  My book helps readers do this through a process that is tailored to each person. 

BIO: 

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist, a dating coach and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by Atria Books, Award Winner of the National ‘Best Books’ of 2008 in the category of Self-Help: Relationships. She is the Director ‘My Dating School’ in
Manhattan, which offers coaching and classes in dating at www.mydatingschool.com.  She has been a monthly speaker of The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show, as well as many radio programs. She has been quoted in publications such as
MSN.com, USA Weekend, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, ‘Glamour,’ ‘Seventeen’ and ‘Complete Woman’ magazine.  

 Order Dr. Sherman’s book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ from Amazon or by going to her website www.mydatingschool.com  

Answered by Dr. Paulette Kouffman Shermanwww.mydatingschool.com  

QUESTION: What’s the real purpose of a first date?  

A:  The purpose of a first date is to explore someone new and have fun.  It’s important to remember that people date with different intentions.  Some date to have a good time, while others are looking for a long term relationship.  Depending on your context, you may look for different things on a date and in a date. 

Realistically, you can gain a glimpse into someone’s world and hopefully have some laughs.  It takes time to get to know someone so I usually advise that you give someone a few dates to see them in different circumstances and allow them to relax and be themselves over time.  At first, just have fun and let things evolve. 

 Q: What kinds of things should you ask and is there anything you can do before a date to increase your chances of success? 

A:  I think it’s most important to be your self and to be as relaxed as possible.  I say this because you don’t want to be so focused on pleasing the OTHER person that it becomes like a job interview and she feels that you are trying too hard.  This type of pandering can look like insecurity.  Rather, you can have phone conversations or email exchanges to get a sense of your date before hand so that you can be considerate and pick a place/event that she might like.  This can be something you surmise by asking her favorite things to do, any movies she’d like to see or the kind of food she loves etc.  This allows you to take her taste into account when planning the date.  The idea is to share and exchange preferences so that you can learn from each other. 

Other things you can do before a date to increase your chance of success is to let her know you are really looking forward to spending time with her in person.  Enthusiasm is contagious and your directness and warmth will make her feel happy and at ease. 

Q:  What gestures do women like? 

A:  Women love men who really listen to them and who notice the little things they like.  This makes them feel special and it usually makes them feel that you care about them.  Most women also love surprises.   This can mean bringing her flowers, taking her to see a movie with her favorite actress or cooking her favorite foods. 

Q: Is it good to have a second location on a date?  

A:  Changing locations does imply a sense of adventure and could suggest some other positive things to a woman.  I constantly hear single women complain that men ask them on a first date and say, ‘You pick a place and we’ll meet for drinks.’  They get so turned off by having to plan their own first date and they chalk this up to a lack of effort, imagination and leadership on the man’s part.  They also complain that they are no longer offered dinner and are only allotted a short time.  For all these reasons, a ‘change of location date’ can be great, if she’s up for it.  It suggests that you have planned and thought things out, that you are giving her time and enjoying her company and that you have created the opportunity to see each other in different settings. 

The best way to suggest a location change is to tell her that you’re having a great time and you’d love to show her XYZ but you will understand if she is tired and wants to save it for another day.  This gives her room to bow out gracefully.  You can also ask her if there is something else that she is really in the mood to do. 

The second location should contrast the first.  For example, you may first meet to have dinner or drinks.  The idea there is to go somewhere subdued to talk and get to know each other.  Afterwards it can be great to do something fun, original and more action oriented.  This way you can laugh together, participate in your surroundings and let your guard down.  You can go dancing, take a walk in the park to see the stars or walk by the water to see the skyline, take a boat ride, walk across the
Brooklyn bridge, go to the batting cages or play pool, go bowling etc.  On our first date my husband and I rode the Cyclone roller coaster together (something neither of us will forget) and walked by the beach in
Coney Island. 

Q: What should we talk about? 

A:  It’s important to be yourself!  Too many dates follow some prescribed script which make both people pressured to find the perfect answers (instead of being in the moment) and they have an inner debate about how much to reveal.  When you are being silly or come up with ‘out of the box’ imaginative questions, the evening becomes playful and both people have fun.   

People often love to discuss the things they are passionate about.  You can explore her hobbies, travel, dreams etc until you sense where her strongest energy is.  Then let her know that you are really interested by your presence and body language and validate her opening up to you by asking her further questions and letting her know what you appreciate about what she shared.  Everyone wants to be accepted and valued.  When your date feels this way, she is more likely to communicate further and to feel connected. 

The top quality most women want in a man is humor.  So, it’s always great to be funny and get her laughing.  Women like authenticity and confidence in a man.  So the trick is to be spontaneously funny, in the moment, when appropriate.  Is this asking way too much?!#  Heh.  Never forget to laugh at yourself too. 

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist, a dating coach and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by Atria Books, award Winner of the National ‘Best Books’ of 2008 in the category of Self-Help: Relationships. She is the Director ‘My Dating School’ in
Manhattan, which offers coaching and classes in dating at www.mydatingschool.com.  She has been a monthly speaker of The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show, as well as many radio programs. She has been quoted in publications such as
MSN.com, USA Weekend, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, ‘Glamour,’ ‘Seventeen’ and ‘Complete Woman’ magazine.  

 Order Dr. Sherman’s book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ from Amazon or by going to her website www.mydatingschool.com  

By: Dr. Paulette Kouffman Shermanwww.mydatingschool.com  

Lightening only strikes once, in this dating coach’s opinion, but there are exceptions to every rainstorm: 

So, here’s a popular question: Should I get back together with my ex?  Often there are good reasons why you broke up in the first place…and many times partners find themselves right back where they started. 

Cheryl was 40 years old and wanted a baby.  She loved Jim in college but they were on again off again and he never treated her right.  They stayed long-distance pals over the years and after his divorce, he was lonely.  She shared her dream of having a child and he suggested they try again.  She visited him with the hope of conceiving.  When she arrived they began to argue and annoy each other.  By the second day she was ready to go home.  She could not tolerate him, despite her great desire to have a child.   

Jenny, age 41 was beautiful, smart and accomplished.  She had many relationships but never married.  She was very particular when it came to choosing a life mate.  Lonely, she approached her ex-boyfriend Chris, thinking that she could make it work this time.  She tried to be more accepting but found that in the end, the same things were unacceptable about him. 

Ana dated a man for a year that she loved.  She planned everything and had to beg him to spend quality time with her and to communicate.  They had other good things in the relationship, so she was on the fence until she decided that she deserved better treatment and broke up with him. She was waiting for him to miss her and return but it never happened.  She got lonely and started to second guess her decision.  She begged him to come back, reneging on all her prior requests and he took her back temporarily.  It became evident that their needs were too different. 

I’m sure that there are exceptions, where people realize that their relationship was worth more work and where partners miss each other and this makes them want to commit. 

Sometimes people separate due to age or circumstance, not because of their relationship issues.  There are people who date in high school, marry and divorce and find each other again.  Emotional timing can be another factor.  Andrea dated her boyfriend for two years and then moved in with him; with the understanding that they would get engaged.  When the time came, Tim got scared.  He refused to tell her when he would be ready to take this step.  Andrea told him that she wanted marriage and if they were not on the same page, she would leave.  A month later, Tim called her, proposed and told her he did not want to be without her. 

In matters of the heart, when people reunite with clarity and love rather than in fear, outcomes are better. 

Basic Tips For Reuniting With an Ex: 

• Don’t reunite expecting the other person to change
• Check if out if you’re just remembering the good
• Be clear why you split in the first place.
• Be realistic about how things will be different
• Act out of love & clarity, not fear & loneliness
• Was there was a lesson to be learned the first time?  Did you learn it?

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist, a dating coach and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by Atria Books, award Winner of the National ‘Best Books’2008 in the category of Self-Help: Relationships. She is the Director ‘My Dating School’ in
Manhattan, which offers coaching and classes in dating at www.mydatingschool.com.  She has been a monthly speaker of The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show, as well as many radio programs. She has been quoted in publications such as
MSN.com, USA Weekend, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, ‘Glamour,’ ‘Seventeen’ and ‘Complete Woman’ magazine.   

Order Dr. Sherman’s book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ at Amazon.  

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Feel free to reprint this article in its entirety in your ezine or on your site as long as you leave all links in place. You may not modify the content. 

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman 

Q:   Why did you start ‘My Dating School?’ 

 A:  I started, ‘My Dating School’ because I had many clients who were attractive, successful and happy in their work, friendships and family life, but they were frustrated that they could not find a life-mate.  They kept picking the same type’ of partner with different packaging.  They were frustrated because they said that they wanted one thing but kept attracting and choosing something else.  I wanted to help them become more conscious and successful in their love relationships.       

 Q:  What is your background? 

A:  I am a psychologist and an empowerment coach (CEC) and I specialize in dating.  I started holding classes for singles around dating issues and taught a monthly class at The Learning Annex for two years in Manhattan.  Then I started ‘My Dating School (www.mydatingschool.com ).’  I also wrote a book for singles who could not come to my classes.  It has exercises and takes them on an inner journey so they can do this work from home.  My book is called, ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart,’ published by Atria Books and winner of the National Best Books 2008 Award for Self-Help: Relationships.                                                                                                                                                   

Q:  What does ‘Dating From the Inside-Out’ mean?   A:  ‘Dating From the Inside-Out’ means that we start creating our love relationships on the inside before we manifest them out there.  If you have powerful limiting beliefs about the past or the opposite sex you will not be a happy dater no matter how much you go out or how pretty you are.  This is where the books that focus upon outside things like your appearance or flirting miss the boat.  The most important way to open up the possibility of love is to start from within.  Only after this happens will right action follow, if there is fear there.       Q:   Why would someone pay for dating classes or coaching?                                                                                                           

A:  People pay for things they value and most people value having a life mate.  It makes sense to invest time, energy and money to manifest something significant and wonderful in your life.  If you wanted a great job you would invest in someone to review your resume, a career coach, pay for job posting sites and invest in a good interview suit.  Yet when it comes to love we mix a cocktail of hope, luck and destiny and pray that it will transform our lives, without wanting to take responsibility and do the work.    Q:  How does dating coaching help singles?                                                                                                                                          A:  Dating coaching helps singles figure out the necessary ingredients that create success in love.  I help my clients look at their past baggage, patterns, parental blueprint, limiting beliefs and their dating ‘type’ and context.  We make those conscious so they do not continue to direct their love choices.  We look at who they are, what they want and what they will offer in a relationship.  And lastly, we create a conscious dating action plan so they take consistent action to meet a partner who is a good fit for them.        

Q:   Does being a psychologist add to your power to your niche as a dating coach?                                                                       A:   Many dating coaches set goals about what a client wants in a mate and helps them alter their looks, behavior and actions to meet someone.  As a psychologist, I address things on a deeper level, helping clients understand why they choose the mates that they do over and over and I help them to create a relationship that is different from their past dating psychology, one that is healthier and more realistic for them. 

 Q:   What is a ‘Defensive Dating Type’ and how would someone find out their dating type?  A:  I have devised a ‘Defensive Dating Style Quiz’ in my book, ‘Dating From The Inside-Out: Using The Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart.’ A defensive dating style is the way that you protect yourself from being hurt in love.  An example would be, ‘the romantic date’ that imagines herself being married to a prospective date on their second meeting and starts planning a year ahead.  She is ‘in love with love’ and does not let the relationship unfold enough to really know and love THAT person.  This script protects her from being disappointed in the short-term because she will not see anything negative.  Long-term it does not work because she is living in a fantasy world not in the reality of the moment with that other person.  My quiz has 15 Defensive Dating Types and you can take it to see which one you have.  Once you know, I make some suggestions about how to work with it, so dating can be more successful. 

Q:   What makes a date successful? 

A:  A successful date is one where both people are themselves and respect each other.  It is great if you have mutual fun, chemistry and both people are kind and good listeners. 

 Q:     Is there is a correlation between dating well and marital success?

 A:   According to my dating philosophy there is some correlation between dating well and marital success.  To me success is not just marrying someone; it is marrying a great partner for you!  Therefore, if you know yourself and are clear (and realistic) about what you most want in a partner, you will be better prepared to co-create a life with someone.  Also, by dating you will be learning what you do not want and becoming aware of what you do need in relationships.  Sure, marriage will present many new challenges but you will start out better prepared then people who just ‘fall in love’ and act only on chemistry and feelings.  Who you marry affects everything-children, lifestyle, spirituality, finances, your sex life, job and leisure.  Shouldn’t such an important choice merit some due diligence? 

Q:  What are the things that you have cranky daters do? 

A:  When clients first come to me, they are often cranky daters.  They have been burned and have a negative vision of their romantic future.  They hate dating because of the rejection.  Often they know they have hit rock bottom and are ready to ask for help.  The first thing I do is have them write out their negative beliefs about love and the opposite sex and challenge them.  For example, ‘No man will want to date a woman over 37 years old.’  I have them counter this belief with facts.  For example, ‘Demi Moore is dating a much younger man and plenty of women remarry after 37 years old.’  I also have them develop a positive context about relationships and marriage.  My book provides these exercises that take the reader through this process so they can go from being a cranky dater to a positive one!  The energy you vibrate is very important when attracting a mate.  Most people will want to be around someone who is authentically positive and welcoming of love. 

Q:  How do clients target what they want in a prospective mate?  How do you coach daters with this?

 A:  I help clients make a reasonable list of the qualities that they want in a partner and what they won’t accept.  This helps them to move through the dating process with clarity and allows them to spend less time with the wrong mate.  It also helps them get clear when they must walk away from a date, because that relationship is destructive.  To learn more about this there is a corresponding exercise in my book. 

Q:  How can people transform dating from a miserable process to a transformative one? 

A: People like things that add meaning and value to their lives.  Many singles hate dating because it feels so random and painful.  I teach that no date is a waste.  You are always learning about yourself and you can do this through the dating process, and you will be more ready to find your match.  My book teaches singles not to take rejection personally and how to be authentic and have fun on all dates.  This powerful dating context allows singles to be present and enjoy themselves, without putting that onus on their prospective dates.

 Q:  What is a Dating Action Plan & how does a dating support group & a dating coaching help singles be more successful? 

A:  A Dating Action Plan holds you accountable for taking specific action steps on your dating goals.  For example, Sally wanted to meet someone but she never went out.  Her Dating Action Plan listed two things that she would do each week.  A Dating Coach or support group would help her be accountable for her action commitment and would help her understand what got in her way when she did not follow through.  It encouraged her to push past her fears and meet a lot of people.  Today she is married. 

Q:  Is there anything else you’d like singles to know? 

A:  Often we are really hard on ourselves and putting yourself down is not helpful.  Plenty of students tell me that they’re sick of being a bridesmaid and everyone else is married.  They think that something is wrong with them and that’s why they have not found love.  It’s true that there may be something holding them back (which my book explores) but we all have areas of our lives that present a challenge.  For some it’s their work, children or health.  These students are often attractive, very successful with their career, family and friends and have so much going for them–they just keep picking poor choices in love.  So, I tell them to appreciate what they do have and to decide if it’s worth  taking a good look to learn why their love life might present a challenge.  One thing I always say in dating, ‘You might experience some rejection, but never reject yourself in the process.’  Hopefully, ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ helps my readers to love themselves right now, wherever they are in this process.  To me, that’s even more important than attracting a mate! 

BIO: Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is the Director of ‘My Dating School, www.mydatingschool.com which offers classes in dating issues & coaching. She is a dating expert on television and radio, a Licensed Psychologist and a certified coach. Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist, a dating coach and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by Atria Books, award Winner of the National ‘Best Books’ of 2008 in the category of Self-Help: Relationships. She has been a monthly speaker of The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show, as well as many radio programs. She has been quoted in publications such as MSN.com, USA Weekend, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, ‘Glamour,’ ‘Seventeen’ and ‘Complete Woman’ magazine.   Order Dr. Sherman’s book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by clicking here:  http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Inside-Out-Attraction-Matters/dp/1582701946/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226271916&sr=8-1  

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By Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman

Deal-Breakers Marla is in a relationship with a man that she loves.  She is 40 years old and what matters most to her is marriage and having children.  She started dating this man knowing that he was divorced and had kids.  In the beginning he said that he would consider marriage and children with her but after they moved in together, he said that he did not want children and was not sure if he wanted to remarry.  She was heart broken because she already loved him.  She thought about artificial insemination but he said he would not stay with her if she chose to raise a baby, even if it was not his.  She had to weigh what was most important to her and what she was willing to give up for a relationship. 

There may be times when it is worth it to change your designated course for something wonderful that shows up instead, but you have to be clear with yourself about the cost.  When we act on our feelings without thinking things through, we can make impulsive choices.  Often the best relationships are aligned with who you are and what is most important for you.  My friend recently decided that she was not willing to give up her opportunity of having a baby.  For her this issue was a deal breaker.

Love-Makers 

The other side of this dating story is that sometimes people have so many intellectual expectations that they won’t let their heart get to know a person.  Many of my clients have lists of requirements for their perfect mate, including their height, career and bank account.  While it is important to know what you want, you can be committed to manifesting a certain kind of relationship, without becoming so attached to the way it will look.  For example, a man may be fantastic and caring and be an inch shorter than your ideal cutoff.  So many daters miss wonderful mates by having unrealistic, superficial lists and missing the person right before them.  So while it is key to stand firm on your Deal- Breakers, it is equally important to give up some of your superfluous requirements in favor of something that is solid, lasting and real.  A love connection goes beyond the outside packaging to the truth of who that person really is. 

Which Category Are You? 

So the next time you are standing at a romantic crossroads and find yourself debating ‘Yeah or nay?’…just ask yourself, where do I fall?  Is my list too narrow or wide?  Then look inside to determine your next romantic move.

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist, a dating coach and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by Atria Books, award Winner of the National ‘Best Books’ of 2008 in the category of Self-Help: Relationships. She is the Director ‘My Dating School’ in Manhattan, which offers coaching and classes in dating at www.mydatingschool.com.  She has been a monthly speaker of The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show, as well as many radio programs. She has been quoted in publications such as MSN.com, USA Weekend, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, ‘Glamour,’ ‘Seventeen’ and ‘Complete Woman’ magazine.  Order Dr. Sherman’s book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by clicking here: 

http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Inside-Out-Attraction-Matters/dp/1582701946/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226271916&sr=8-1  

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Feel free to reprint this article in its entirety in your ezine or on your site as long as you leave all links in place. You may not modify the content. 

Dr. Date

By Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman Many people ask me how to meet and marry ‘The One.’ Dating is a process but ultimately it works best when you are mindful of these six steps. You can remember them by using the acronym ‘The One.’

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman 

This article is in response to research from PARSHIP (UK’s online dating service www.parship.co.uk) which said that if push came to shove 25% of singles would favor their pet over a date!  While pondering the pros and cons of each, dogs fared surprisingly well, but as a dating expert, in the end I gave it to the dates…Here are the tallies.  What do you think?

Doggie Do’s:

1. Dogs love you unconditionally
2. They never argue
3. They love to cuddle
4. They’re consistently happy to see you
5. They’re very loyal
6. They don’t criticize
7. They’re playful, intelligent & affectionate
8. They’re protective & great in a crisis
9. They don’t care about how you look or how old you are
10. They are thrilled with leftovers & can be trained in less than one year!

Date Do’s: 

1. Dates can have deep conversations
2. Can remember your birthday and Valentine’s Day
3. Can father your children
4. Can be sexually compatible
5. Can plan romantic surprises
6. Can treat you to dinner and romantic adventures
7. Make better slow dancers
8. Look better in a tux.                                                             
9. Are allowed in movie theaters
10. Are the exact spiritual mate intended for you! 

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist, a dating coach and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by Atria Books, award Winner of the National ‘Best Books’ of 2008 in the category of Self-Help: Relationships. She is the Director ‘My Dating School’ inManhattan, which offers coaching and classes in dating at www.mydatingschool.com.  She has been a monthly speaker of The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show, as well as many radio programs. She has been quoted in publications such as MSN.com, USA Weekend, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, ‘Glamour,’ ‘Seventeen’ and ‘Complete Woman’ magazine.  Order Dr. Sherman’s book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by clicking here: 

http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Inside-Out-Attraction-Matters/dp/1582701946/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226271916&sr=8-1  

**Attn Ezine editors/Site owners**

Feel free to reprint this article in its entirety in your ezine or on your site as long as you leave all links in place. You may not modify the content. 

                                                                      By: Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman 

1.      Dating Experience- Anything in life takes practice.  People will tell you to go on a lot of job interviews so you are ready when that perfect job opportunity hits.  It’s the same with dating. 

2.      Become clear what you DO want long-term- We often learn what we do want through contrast.  You can take what you do not like in your dates and flip it.  For example, ’I don’t like that he does not listen to me’ can bring clarity that you want to attract a good listener as your husband. 

3.      Learn more about yourself & others- We learn from everyone we meet.  If you dislike someone it can teach you about an area where you are intolerant.  Also, even if a date is not a romantic prospect, you can learn something else from them-about their career, art or another new experience.   

4.      Explore beyond ‘your type’- We often choose the same experiences.  Once you are married you will hopefully be with that person forever.  So why not ‘get out of the box’ and experience what someone very different is like now?

5.      Put dating energy in motion- Often when you want to attract a mate it’s good to circulate interest. This can draw that energy to you and make you feel more confident and abundant.  Also, dating is a numbers game, so sometimes the more people you meet the better your chances for success. 

6.      Let go of expectations & have fun – The ability to be present and joyful is very attractive in dating.  Allowing the relationship and person to unfold takes the pressure off and makes space for both people to be themselves.   When you are not interested in a date romantically, it is easy to practice enjoying that person in that moment.  This is a great energy to bring to all your dates! 

7.      Learn to accept a man ‘as is’- When a date is not long-term material it is easy to degrade or criticize them in your mind.  To have a really great relationship, you need to accept your partner as is.  You need to take the good with the challenging.  It is good practice to ‘be with’ dates that are not your ideal.  You can appreciate them without trying to change them. 

8.      Learn to ‘say no’ gracefully- Part of getting to ‘yes’ in anything is learning to say no.  Too many daters hang out for years in relationships that don’t fulfill them.  One or two dates with ‘Mr. Wrong’ is instructive, but two years is destructive to your ultimate goal of attracting what you most want.  Be clear and take a stand about when to leave.  When you practice saying no in a kind way you will generally leave your date feeling okay. 

9.      Learn to Hear No- Anything you want involves some rejection.  In dating you need to remain confident and continue to love yourself, even when the outcome does not work out as you wish.  80% of the time your date does not even know you, so their ‘no’ has more to do with them.  Move ahead. 

10.  Free meals (and the ability to keep your sense of humor) –There is something to appreciate in most experiences.  Look for the great meal, your dates talents or interests and appreciate that they took the time to meet you.  This will be better for you and them and it is a great attitude to practice in your life. 

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist, a dating coach and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by Atria Books, award Winner of the National ‘Best Books’ of 2008 in the category of Self-Help: Relationships. She is the Director ‘My Dating School’ in Manhattan, which offers coaching and classes in dating at www.mydatingschool.com.  She has been a monthly speaker of The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show, as well as many radio programs. She has been quoted in publications such as MSN.com, USA Weekend, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, ‘Glamour,’ ‘Seventeen’ and ‘Complete Woman’ magazine.  Order Dr. Sherman’s book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by clicking here: 

http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Inside-Out-Attraction-Matters/dp/1582701946/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1226271916&sr=8-1  

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In a recent article by Emily Garnham in ‘The Daily Express’ (www.express.co.uk/printer/view/59548 ) they suggested that children are dating as young as 10 years old and we need a national curriculum for dating lessons.  They said that findings from DatingDirect.com show that 64% of British adults believe they could have benefited from relationship lessons.

This is what I’ve been saying about adults for some time now and that’s why I started a dating school!  (www.mydatingschool.com) I think it’s a great idea to start earlier with adolescents and people in their young 20’s so that they can wisely choose their significant others and begin to learn about themselves along the way.  This will help them develop as people, learn good relationship skills and prepare them to make healthy choices ultimately for marriage.  I believe that learning about what you need in a relationship early on could better prepare young people for successful marriages and could lower the divorce rate and number of broken families. 

We learn about math, science, English literature and music to prepare us for life; why not relationships?  Look around, most people (and now even children) have one.  Why not help our next generation learn to take good care of them selves and choose appropriate partners who treat them well?

Paulette Kouffman Sherman

Author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ by Atria Books, published February 2008. Director of My Dating School in
Manhattan (www.mydatingschool.com