Unconscious Mating

I was stumped for a blog idea today (this now being blog #189) so my friend suggested this topic. It was a good one that I had not considered. We cannot order up love from the universe and we often need to spend time waiting for what we want in life. So the best thing that we can do is to make ourselves and our lives as happy as we can in the interim while we continue to take action on our as not yet realized goals, even if there are stretches where we don’t seeing results. Of course this blog idea just applies to those of you who really want to meet someone and are frustrated. For those of you who relish being single, keep on doing what you are doing! So here are 5 ideas about what you can do in the meantime while your dream of manifesting a mate is incubating:
1. TREAT YOURSELF REALLY WELL: There is a whole section in my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ about giving yourself the love you want to attract. This means looking at how you speak to yourself, taking time to honor your needs and interests and passions and doing things you like for yourself. You can take the quiz in my book to see if you have been neglecting your relationship with yourself. The great news is: it’s never too late to start addressing it and this is your most definite life long relationship!

2. IMPROVE YOUR LIFE SATISFACTION IN ALL OTHER LIFE AREAS: I once wrote a blog about how to create a Life Wheel (see the link here: http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2009m3d18-Is-There-a-Correlation-Between-Life-Satisfaction–Success-in-Love ) so that you can assess how happy you are in 8 life areas and make a concrete plan (with baby steps) to improve satisfaction in these areas. This is a win-win because you are using this time to make your life even better so that it brings you greater happiness AND it makes you that much more attractive to a mate when the right person comes along. So check out this assessment tool and see if you are inspired to improve your health, interpersonal relationships, finances etc.

3. DEVELOP A STRONG COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU: We all want to be loved and appreciated and it’s easy to feel lonely during dry spells in our love lives. During this time it is important to remember that we are loveable and that we are important to many people. So look around at the love you do have in your life and celebrate those relationships. Metaphysicians say that what you focus on expands!

4. DO THINGS THAT YOU LOVE & RELISH YOUR INDEPENDENCE: I remember a fellow coach once told me to travel before I had kids. She recalled the difference between having a trip to Paris alone versus going to Paris with her kids when they were in the hotel by 7PM each night. The point is that ‘the grass is always greener’ to some extent. So imagining that you will one day have a partner and family if you want it, you can use this time to travel or take all the risks that you might be less likely to do easily once you have settled down. When you are single you have fewer responsibilities and limitations and your life is very much your own, so in this in-between time, figure out what adventures you can create for yourself and make the most of it!

5. KEEP TAKING ACTION ON WHAT YOU WANT EVEN IN THE DRY TIMES: This is one point that I stress in my book. I know that it gets exhausting and irritating to date at times but I don’t believe in sitting home in your pajamas and waiting for the bell to ring. You would not do that if you wanted a great job, you wanted to lose weight or score a book contract, so why do people do that when it comes to finding a mate? We are human and sometimes you may need to take a short break from focusing on dating but do not give up or just leave it up to the universe if it is something you really want. The key is to take continuous manageable steps to meet other singles, even when results are not popping up for a period of time. Keep your eye on the ball and do your part while you are living and enjoying your life. Sure, I wish that it would ‘just happen to you too’ and maybe it will but I would not want you to count on that if this is something you really want to manifest. So have compassion for yourself and take the results lightly but do continue to take action. There is a section in my book in how to do this.
Spring is a time of new beginnings and rebirth and single or not we are all always in a process of creation. One thing we do not notice about creation is that sometimes it happens beneath the surface first, like roots growing or bears in their hibernation period. So welcome this time of incubation to go inwards, reflect and grow new parts of yourself and your life. You will have more to share when you do meet that special someone!
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. Link is here: http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Inside-Out-Attraction-Matters/dp/1582701946/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233428205&sr=8-1
 

Us at ‘Play’

So yesterday we stopped by this place called ‘Play.’ It was a restaurant/lounge that had a bar, pool, bowling, air hockey, board games, music, laser lights and cool décor. There was no cover charge, we found easy street parking and the food there was reasonably priced. I knew my husband would like it.
We ordered a chicken pizza, a burger and fries, a soda, a cranberry juice and we split a brownie sundae for dessert. We wanted to split the chocolate fondue for two but there were all out. The total bill for two came to $50 which was not bad. The food was good (not great) but you could spend $9 on the pizza I got (and split it because it was large) and then split an appetizer without spending a lot.
If you give an ID at the front desk you can also take out board games for free and you can choose from a large list, including chess, checkers, monopoly, twister, operation, connect four and many more. So you can have an inexpensive dinner date with a large choice of alcoholic drinks, music and free games. If you want to do more on your date you can pay extra to bowl there, play pool or even ping pong together! It is all there and seemed very convenient with a nice modern and somewhat romantic vibe.

It is dark with cool décor, small tables with candles and music (that could be just a bit too loud to speak comfortably).
We were handed a postcard that said that once a month they have Ladies night with an all male review of go go dancers with an open bar from 9-10 PM for everyone. There is an open bar for ladies 10PM-12AM and then 2 for 1 drinks 12am to close. This seems like a good spot to take a girlfriend out who recently had a breakup or a good night for a bachelorette party.
They also have a bi-weekly comedy night with no cover charge there.
They used to have a Karaoke room too but it was not popular so they closed it. We are hoping they will bring it back.
We had a good time and think that it is worth checking out as a casual, fun date spot. If you go, let me know what you think.
See my slideshow at: http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m2d28-The-Play-Date  or you can check out their website to see their more professional photo gallery.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

CONTACT INFO:
Play
77-17 Queens Blvd
Elmhurst, NY 11373
718-476-2828
www.play-ny.com

Related Links:

http://www.yelp.com/biz/play-lounge-elmhurst#hrid:A9YbcBybP7gbJwXB-iEq6Q/src:search/query:Play  
http://nymag.com/listings/bar/play/  
http://twitter.com/PLAYloungenyc  
http://restaurants.uptake.com/new_york/elmhurst/play_lounge_8037822.html  
 

Play Lounge in Elmhurst

Older singles often say that it is much harder to date at an older age because the dating pool is smaller, they are often not that tech-savvy and they eschew online dating, they’ve been out of practice with dating for awhile and feel that their expectations for appropriate decorum is different. They also complain that men want younger women. So these are some of the apparent fears and downsides. Are there any upsides to dating after 65?

This is what I am writing about today. In my opinion, most things do have an upside and we are most successful when we focus on ‘what is possible.’ So here are 10 reasons why it may be better to date after 65:

1. You Know Yourself: You have lived a long life and you know what you like and don’t like, you know your lifestyle preferences, your hobbies, community, social circle etc. You also know what you need in a partner and are aware of the many relationship lessons you have already learned.
2. You Appreciate Every Moment: When singles are young they often plan a lot and hold agendas. Whether it is a 5 year life plan, a biological clock or career ambitions, these goals keep us future-oriented, busy and tense. Once you have moved past a lot of these milestones you can be more present to appreciate what is and you can enjoy every day as it comes. This is a wonderful attitude to have in dating and relationships because it removes pressure and fosters a state of ease and wonder.
3. You Care Less About What Others Think: From high school and even through adulthood there is often a lot of social pressure to be like everyone else. This might mean getting married, having children, having a certain type of mate etc. Hopefully we move beyond this type of pressure and grow into our individuality sooner but often after 65 we finally develop a strong conviction in who you are. We stop apologizing for what we want and stop comparing with and competing with others. In this place you can cast a wider net in dating and meet someone you enjoy, regardless of what anyone else might think.
4. You Have A lot To Share: At this point you’ve had your career, a prior marriage, perhaps children and grandchildren, a house, hobbies, experiences etc. You may have traveled and you probably have had many peak moments. You are the full package, a person with wisdom, love and much to share. This can be very attractive to a partner who also wants a mate who is worldly.
5. You Have Plenty of Free Time: By 65 many people have achieved their career and family goals and now they have more time for fun, travel and relaxation. So dating and relationships can be great now because you can really appreciate companionship, travel and romance.
6. You have a Captive Target Audience: Retired people have a lot more time for relationships. They may go to the theater, travel, garden, volunteer, see family and friends, read etc. So once you figure out the best places to go –like online dating, senior centers, dances, trips etc. you will find that these singles are often available to do things and to get to know you.
7. Life is About You Now: At this point in your life you have probably been a spouse, parent and grandparent. You have been a daughter, worker, friend and neighbor and you are finally able to be a little more selfish. You recognize that life is short and you start focusing on doing the things that make you happy. This context will help you pick a partner who supports your passion and likewise wants to embrace you as you are.
8. You Look for what’s most Important in a Relationship: Often younger singles prioritize outside things in a partner that won’t really make them happy long-term. By this I mean things like a mate who is hugely financially successful, has amazing looks, a fancy car or who is very tall. Often as we age we recognize that while attraction is important, looks fade and money cannot buy you love. We realize that the simple deep things are what counts: someone to talk to, who will care for you when you are sick, someone who makes you laugh, cherishes you and is a great friend, lover and companion.
9. You Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: Whereas young couples have a lot of power struggles as they are forging a relationship, it seems to me that older adults have already been through that. Perhaps they have already been widowed or divorced and they have often learned what is worth fighting about for them. The ability to know what is important and what is not allows relationships to be smooth, peaceful and happy.
10. Carpe Diem is Your Motto: When you are older and your kids are grown, you may be more willing to take risks. You probably want to travel, take classes, try new things and love in a way you never have before. You want every day to count because you don’t want to look back on the rest of your life with regret. So, you are inspiring to be around.

So, do not let a number like age stop you from getting out there and embracing love. Count your many blessings (as I just did) and recognize that you could make another person very happy if you got back out there.

My Best in love,

Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
 

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. 

Author Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s also the Director of My Dating School in NYC (http://www.mydatingschool.com ) which offers coaching and classes in transforming dating issues to attract love. She was a monthly speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and writes a blog as the NY Love Examiner. Dr. Sherman is an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and was a guest on radio shows such as the Curtis Sliwa show on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, True Story, Seventeen and Complete Woman’ magazines, and the NY Times.

When first dating someone it is easy to go into panic mode whilst you are anticipating that next call. This can happen in different ways. Sometimes you feel that he should call within 24 hours of your first date to ask you out again or you have some other script in your head about how a guy who likes you should proceed. But, trouble is (despite the rules of ‘He’s Just Not that Into You) your date is his own person and he will call according to his own desires and his own script in the beginning. So, it is up to you to deal with the ‘not knowing’ stage of your relationship, to accept the anticipation and unknown. I know that it’s not easy to be calm in these circumstances so today I am going to give you a few tricks/tools to help you cope with the initial dating anxiety that you will contend with before you become an ‘official item.’
1- STAY PRESENT: When you develop a worry early on in your relationship I want you to ask yourself whether you are looking at ‘the facts’ or if you are creating a story. For example, a guy that you’ve been dating for a few months generally calls you every other day and this week he does not call you for four days. What does this mean? First your anxiety kicks in and then you create a story around it. You think to yourself, ‘Maybe he’s lost interest, met someone else, maybe he will dump me soon or just disappear?’ Okay, the facts are that his behavior has changed a bit but we do not know why. It is equally possible that he had a bad work week or is sick or distracted by a family issue. So, catch yourself when you move to create a catastrophic story and try to stick to the fact that he has not called. Try to be patient and let time reveal if there might be a good reason for not calling as frequently that has little to do with you or your relationship.
2- WORK WITH YOUR SELF-ESTEEM: When we over focus on our date and how he feels about us we distract ourselves from our true power source: how we feel about ourselves. So when you start to dissect your last few dates and all his facial expressions and reactions, take a moment to return to yourself. Instead of trying to figure out if he likes you, make a mental list of what you love about yourself and remember that many guys will love you for who you are.
3- LOOK AT YOUR DATES OVERALL TRACK RECORD: This is a good one to use if you have been dating someone for at least a month. Let’s say for example that a guy has treated you consistently well for a few months and then one date he is in a mood and seems weird. Often when this happens you may jump to the worst conclusion about him pulling away. It is possible that he is having a bad day or something else is distracting him. So take a step back when your guy seems off and consider his overall track record before you over react. Does he get an 85 or 90% in great behavior? If so, then maybe you are willing to let this one slide and believe his feelings towards you have been demonstrated all those other times.
4- KEEP BUSY AND CENTERED IN YOUR OWN LIFE: There is a saying that ‘what you focus on expands’ so you can choose to focus on waiting by the phone for his call or you can continue living your life. Even if things are going great with a new guy, it is important to stay focused and centered in your own life so that you don’t obsess and you do keep your priorities going. This helps you to stay busy, structured and supported in the known while the relationship unfolds.
5- DON’T PUT ALL YOUR EGGS IN ONE BASKET: Often one of the reasons that a woman will over focus on a new date is because she builds him up in her mind without really knowing him. She may decide that she wants to be in a relationship with him early on, before he has even had a chance to demonstrate who he is over time. This phenomenon of ‘putting all her eggs in one basket’ makes it hard for that woman to not be reactive in the early stages of dating. This is why I recommend volume dating (or dating a few people for a few months without sleeping with them). You can see my article on that but this helps you to ‘see the forest for the trees’ to keep busy and to not put too much pressure on any one relationship early on.
Hopefully these 5 tips can help through the beginnings of a new relationship but if you are still having a lot of anxiety a year or two after you are already an item, there may be something else going on. It could be a self-esteem issue, fear of betrayal, unresolved baggage about men or a sign of something going on in your current relationship. This would be another article entirely but I’m just pointing out that today’s tips pertain to the initial unfolding of that courtship stage when two people decide whether or not to move things forward.
Hope this helps!
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com  
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

 I was riding the subway and I glanced up at a billboard that advertised a new book called ‘Living Oprah’ written by Robyn Okrant. It was about an ordinary woman who decides to follow all of Oprah’s advice for a year in order to see how it transforms her. I thought this was a clever hook so I ordered it on amazon.com and spent the last three days reading it, in transit. I have to say, it was a bit of a hoot. But before I describe the book to you I’d like to address the more general question of celebrity worship in our culture and in your life in particular.
Maybe it’s best if first I define my terms. According to Wikipedia a CELEBRITY is a person who is famously recognized in a society or culture. In contrast, a HERO refers to a character who in the face of danger, adversity or from a position of weakness, displays courage and the will for self-sacrifice for some greater good, originally of martial courage or excellence but extended to more general moral excellence. So although we might often flip these terms celebrity and hero, the first is just someone famous (well known) and the latter denotes someone of high character. Important I think, lest we automatically confuse the two.
Anyway, it is safe to say that people in the United States love their celebrities. According to Wikipedia US Magazine has a circulation of over 1.85 million, OK magazine reportedly has more than 30 million readers worldwide, People magazine has 3.75 million circulation and the National Enquirer has over a million. And that is only a few celebrity magazines, what about television shows, online sites and radio?
Even if we don’t follow celebrities closely, we seem to know things about them through osmosis, because their divorce, affair, new haircut etc. becomes part of the very fabric of our culture and we cannot help but overhear someone describing the latest celebrity gossip beside us on the subway. So somehow we are aware that Britney Spears just lost weight using acai berry and Halle Berry is now pregnant. I’m sure you can relate.
Not only do we know more about celebrities’ personal lives than our local grocery store checkout girls life but we also seem to mimic their choices. Advertising uses celebrity endorsements for products because they know that it will help sell them. In fact, you can even look up something called Q scores which measure the true audience appeal of an actor or entertainer-their familiarity, trust and believability. So it is important for us to recognize that many celebrities are automatically given power and influence (and connotations of character) just by general consensus and popularity although we do not truly know them. This in turn influences our choices from the products that we buy, to the lifestyle choices that we make, to even whom you might vote for and what social causes you might adopt.
Yes, I know that many of you feel that you are above this influence but writing this particular blog this morning caused me to think about which top three celebrities that I’d like to meet, living and dead. Here is my honest list, embarrassing though it might be:
Living Celebrities I’d Like to Meet:

1. Oprah-I admire her spirituality, generosity and her nature and scope of influence
2. Olivia Newton-John-I love her singing, her energy and her support of the environment plus she was my favorite childhood celebrity
3. Gloria Steinum-although I am not a staunch feminist I heard her speak once at a conference and I found her to be smart, inspiring, interesting, informed and a great speaker.
4. Dali Lama-why isn’t he at the top of my list? Perhaps because I feel his consciousness would be too above mine but it would be great to be in his presence and to learn from him.

Deceased Celebrities I’d Like to Meet:
1. Gandhi- He might be the person I admire most and I’d love to speak with him about life and humanity.
2. Mother Teresa- I think it was amazing what she accomplished and I’d like to discuuss her ideas about love.
3. I could not think of an immediate third deceased person (and I am rushing) so I’ll leave this blank. Perhaps Albert Einstein? I liked his imagination and creativity…
I feel like this is one of those facebook applications but before I move on, do consider which three celebrities you would like to meet and why.
I think that we love celebrities because they seem larger than life and they make valuable contributions in entertainment and the arts. But in my opinion it’s also important to remember that celebrities are just people who put on their pants one leg at a time, just like everyone else. They have their flaws, struggles and heart ships and it is not easy to live that type of life with all its attendant pressures. Although I’ve often thought that it would be nice to reach a wider audience through having a television show or radio show, I’m also fully aware that I would not hope to be extremely famous because I am aware of the possible costs. In my opinion you gain in your scope of influence, your ability to meet interesting people and to try new things (and of course in money and possessions) but you would pay a large cost in terms of your personal and private time, the scope of your anonymity and your ability to just be with your family and loved ones without the constant pressures of the outside world. And honestly, although I am someone who believes all of our voices should be counted in this life I don’t think I’d want the pressure of everyone buying white washed jeans just because I bought some on Sunday.
The book ‘Living Oprah’ is an experiment that a yoga teacher named Robyn undertook to live the life that Oprah suggests. Obviously Robyn chooses to concretize Oprah’s advice beyond what is normal. In my opinion Oprah shares what she likes and expects her fans to take or leave it. She is generous and wise and knows how to select experts where her own knowledge may be lacking. But I doubt she expects people to lack such discrimination that they hand their lives over to her and stop thinking for themselves. I don’t know her but the feeling I get from her is actually opposite this notion. I think she wants to make people question things and to raise their consciousness. It’s one of the things I admire about her.

Anyway, in the case of the book, ‘Living Oprah’ author Robyn commits to watching all Oprah Winfrey television shows for a year, reading the the Oprah (O magazines) for that year and consulting her website oprah.com. If Oprah gave a directive of any kind through these three outlets, Robyn would follow it. If one of Oprah’s expert guests gave some advice and Oprah backed it up she would heed it too. This would be her encyclopedia of living for the year and we see in detail how it affects her purchases, home, finances, relationships, image and style, nutrition, political and social choices. This author ends up spending $4,781.84 in money and 1202 hours and 1 minute of time completing all of Oprah’s advice that year. Unbelievably her marriage survives this experiment as her husband has in the process agreed to redecorate their apartment, try out new meals, dissect their relationship through quizzes and exercises. Both of them maintain their sense of humor throughout the process yet they also discuss the real pulls and pressures of trying to change and improve their lives and heeding outside expert advice. In the end, the jury is out on whether Robyn feels that all her hard work has made her happier. She reports being more emotionally frazzled and exhausted but she does feel that her physical health has improved. She also says that heeding Oprah has become such a habit that it is hard to return to thinking for herself.

This causes us to consider the topic of celebrity worship in general. I don’t think this book is a negative statement on Oprah because none of us would live up to such scrutiny if someone were to document and live our every utterance.

As the NY Love Examiner I am not suggesting that we stop loving our favorite celebrities, only that we stop to ask why we love them and that ulimately you become your own guiding star in this life! It is nice to have role models who blaze a path and inspire us to dream big but it is up to us to keep our feet on the ground in the process.
The book has a clever hook and it is an interesting social experiment that causes us to remember to think for ourselves, to take full responsibility for our own lives and to allow celebrities to do the same. I do not fault Oprah for trying to share what she believes and loves and for using her power for terrific change in this world. To me that takes guts. The wonderful side of celebrity is that in your abundance you can use your influence to help guide and influence the good of others and you can share your great resources where they are most needed. My guess is that Oprah would agree that she is not g-d and that people need to think for themselves and do what is right for them. This is what our education system is supposed to be about and my guess is that Oprah wants to encourage reading and education in this society for this very reason.

So take a moment and consider your own relationship with celebrity worship this morning. What is it all about for you and how prevalent is it? Consider reading Robyn’s book and if you do, let me know what you think. I’d also be interested to have you post the three celebrities you’d like to meet in this life below and why.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com  
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Related Links:
http://www.amazon.com/Living-Oprah-One-Year-Experiment-Queen/dp/1599952394/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1267020203&sr=8-1  (to order the book ‘Living Oprah’)
http://www.qscores.com/pages/Template1/site11/30/default.aspx  

Our high tea at the St. Regis

We went to high tea at the St. Regis in Manhattan this Sunday. It was a present from my mom to celebrate our anniversary. It was a beautiful elegant setting and I felt like I was in a time of gilded elegance. There was a harpist right beside us playing angelic music. The chandeliers and murals were gorgeous and the service was excellent.
Afternoon tea consisted of four basic things: assorted tea sandwiches, scones, assorted desserts and of course, your choice of tea. You get all of this plus the lovely ambiance for $48 a person. For us it was a special treat because we probably would not have taken ourselves and I had wanted to go.
My husband never tried a scone before and I was trying to describe how it was a cross between a croissant and a buttermilk biscuit so I was relieved when he finally tasted one and could describe it himself. Anyway, he liked it.
Neither of us loved the tea sandwiches but we did love the scones, dessert and tea.
I think this would definitely be a very romantic elegant impressive date spot if you can afford it. Reportedly Salvador Dali and Marlene Dietrich used to love drinking tea there as well.
Also, tea drinking has been associated with positive health and psychological benefits. I won’t get into that research here but I have posted a few links on this below. It might make for some interesting date conversation to discuss which teas have what properties and how they have been used for various ailments and moods.
Afternoon tea is popular in England. Reportedly it was originated by Anna, 7th Dutchess of Bedford in the 1800’s. She thought of having tea around 4 or 5Pm to ward off hunger between lunch and dinner. It caught on and people often continue the practice today. Personally, I love the idea for at least once a week but it can be very caloric to do this whole spread daily! Also, I have not researched whether there is a good traditional afternoon tea service in Manhattan for $15-$20 a person which would be more reasonable on a regular basis.
Anyway, you can make reservations for the St. Regis tea by ahead by calling the Astor Court. Afternoon tea is offered there Monday through Sunday between 3PM and 5PM.
On our way out of the hotel we inquired about the price for a room, just out of curiosity. We were told that the nightly room rate was between $600-$800! I heard that every floor has free butler service. So if you can’t afford to stay there, why not at least have some tea in style?

You can check out my slideshow of pictures at: http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m2d21-The-High-Tea-Date
If you do go, let me know what you think!
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

CONTACT INFO:

St. Regis-Two E. 55th St (at 5th Ave), NY, NY 10022, (212)753-4500
Related Links:
http://www.starwoodhotels.com/stregis/property/dining/attraction_detail.html?propertyID=81&attractionId=27613
http://www.yelp.com/biz/the-st-regis-new-york-new-york  
http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/338124  
http://nymag.com/nymetro/shopping/columns/testdrive/n_9532/  
http://elmwoodinn.com/books/NewYorktopten.html  
http://www.travelchannel.com/Places_Trips/Destinations/North_America/United_States/New_York/New_York/Restaurants/Astor_Court  
http://www.care2.com/greenliving/6-types-of-tea-for-6-different-moods.html  
http://blog.theteatable.com/popular-tea-and-health-questions  
http://blog.theteatable.com/drinking-green-tea-linked-to-less-psychological-distress  
http://whatscookingamerica.net/History/HighTeaHistory.htm  
 

Afternoon Tea at the St. Regis in NYC

Over the years in working with clients I often see seven cognitive patterns that interfere with happiness on all levels, including dating.  Today I will explore these seven cognitive patterns with you.  Please read them carefully and see if you can relate to doing this in any area of your life:

1.       PERFECTIONISTIC THINKING:  Perfectionist thinking often leads to misery.  There can be 8 things going very well and one minor thing that seems somewhat negative and a perfectionist will always over focus on that one negative thing.  Let’s use an example from dating: If a single woman is dating a man who is cute, sweet, funny, very affectionate, generous, honest and consistent but she finds his laugh annoying, she might obsess about that daily.  I am not saying that we should overlook negatives in a potential mate.  I am just saying that everyone has challenges, so it is just which difficult traits you will choose.  I have not met a perfect person yet, nor would I want to.  By the same token, perfectionist thinkers are often too hard on themselves and they minimize their strengths and obsess about any weaknesses.  Obviously this is detrimental when dating too.  When I work with these types of clients I try to make them aware of this thought pattern and to help them to actively search for the positives in each situation.  This allows them to be happier and more at peace in the present.

2.       COMPARISON:  Another common thought pattern that prevents happiness is comparison.  With comparison, a person is always concerned about what others have and how they compare to them.  An eye is always towards competition.  If we look at this pattern within a dating context, a single person is always concerned about how beautiful NY single women are or how successful they are.  Instead of focusing on their own particular strengths, they are always engaged in a self-dialogue about who is smarter, cuter or funnier.  This can only lead to depression because there will always be someone smarter, cuter or funnier than you in this world.  But, there will also never be another you.  No one will have that unique combination of gifts and challenges that comprise you and the right mate will know it!  So make sure that you do.  I help clients combat the pattern of comparison by helping them to catch themselves when they are doing this and to consciously focus on their own strengths instead.  This will ultimately lead to improved self-esteem.

3.       CATASTROPHIZING:  the cognitive pattern of catastrophizing involves making something out to be worse than it really is.  So, maybe your boss is in a bad mood and he snaps at you that day and then you catastrophize and you decide this means that you will be fired!  Do you see how you probably jumped a few steps here?   Let me give an example of this thought pattern within the context of dating.  Perhaps a date has taken you out steadily for a month, called you every other day and he has always treated you well.  Then, one week he does not call you for three days and you immediately think that he is breaking up with you.  This is an example of catastrophizing and assuming the worst instead of remaining present and patiently waiting to see what has happened.

4.       BLACK & WHITE OR POLARIZED THINKING: This pattern of thinking often places people in ‘either/or’ categories where there is little middle ground.  So for example, by two dates you either you decide that a potential date is perfect for you, or he is decidedly ‘not the one.’  Either someone has everything that you want or you will immediately rule them out.  Life is not like this and in relationships there are often shades of grey.  So I am not suggesting that ‘you settle’ or forget the essential things you most want in a mate (that is black and white thinking to the other extreme), I am just saying that it takes some flexibility to make any relationship work.  So sometimes I need to help clients develop a little flexibility in their thinking about dating and relationships to help them move forward.

5.       LIMITING BELIEFS:  A belief is a psychological state in which an individual holds a premise to be true.  A limiting belief keeps us stuck in a certain idea so that we cannot experience anything to the contrary.  So in the context of dating, if a single woman believes that there are no men in NY’ then she will not flirt back with the attractive man in the elevator in Manhattan.  She shuts down the possibility of meeting someone great in NY before she even begins.  Limiting beliefs are a huge obstacle in dating and common limiting beliefs are formed around age, geography, love, the opposite sex etc.  I often help clients to recognize the limiting beliefs that keep them stuck from moving forward in their love lives and I have a whole section on this in my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart.’

6.       PERSONALIZATION:  Personalization is a cognitive pattern where we think everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to us.  This one can be very toxic.  For example in dating, if someone is rude to you or late, it is because it is who they are.  It is not because of anything you did.  Likewise, if someone does not ask you out again, sometimes it might just be because they prefer brunettes to blondes or they started dating someone else.  A person who personalizes everything will immediately find a way to blame themselves for anything negative that happens.  When working with these types of clients, a try to teach them to take a step back and consider the other person or situation as separate from them.  This can save them a lot of unnecessary self-inflicted pain.

7.       OVERGENERALIZATION:  This cognitive pattern is when we come to a general conclusion based on a single piece of evidence or a single incident.  By forecasting the future based on minimal evidence, you run the risk of being very wrong.  An example from the dating world would be a single woman who decides that a perfectly nice, attractive date is ‘not the one’ based upon one date.  I have known a few examples of couples who had okay first dates but then went on to get to know each other, fall in love and marry.  So try not to ‘assume’ things too quickly and give things a chance so you can let the evidence unfold overtime. 

If any of you have noticed yourself engaging in these aforementioned cognitive patterns in dating or otherwise, please feel free to share your examples below.  It would also be helpful to know if you have made progress on combating these negative thought patterns and how you have done so in attempt to move forward in a specific life area.  Thanks!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com  

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Today I saw the movie, ‘Valentine’s Day’ (a little after the holiday) but I wanted to see what all the hype was about. I did not love the movie but it was enjoyable.
The things I liked about it were the varied types of love relationships shown-a gay relationship, an older couple, a mother and child, two best friends turned lovers, child-like love, lustful teen love, a couple who wanted differing levels of commitment, a newly dating couple, a cheater simultaneously engaged in two relationships and a single successful woman who was lonely and looking for love. It showed a variety of situations that could happen on the road to love.
I also think that singles would appreciate the Anti-Valentine’s day party scene where singles were batting open the heart piñata and burning papers with the names of love interests who had hurt them.
We also saw examples of how a person (in this case the character played by Ashton Kutcher) could be wonderful yet still get dumped by a mate due to their emotional issues. This is important to remember in dating because it takes two people to make a relationship work. Likewise, the character played by Jennifer Gardner was attractive and wonderful yet she got duped by a married man. These examples show us that sometimes your relationships won’t t work out if your mate is not honest, emotionally available or ready for the same level of commitment that you are. But in the film, both the aforementioned characters move on and find someone better suited for them.
There weren’t that many deep lessons in this film that I could see. The most obvious one was that when you love someone you need to accept the good and the challenging parts of them and you need to forgive them for their mistakes if they have a great overall track record. We see this in the case of the long married older couple and the newly dating lovers.
The thing that I did not like much was the ending. It was a very Hollywood ending where everyone ends up taken and happy. While of course this is a good thing, it might have been more realistic to leave one person single on Valentine’s day enjoying the anti-valentine’s day bash and loving their life anyway. Also, the act of two best friends suddenly becoming an item at the last moment did not feel believable either. In life sometimes you get the happy ending, sometimes you don’t and sometimes it’s a timing thing and it can happen later. I would have preferred if they had some examples of these different endings so that the audience members felt represented.
Most of us want a romantic partner and this desire sometimes gets exacerbated on Valentine’s day, the day of Love. This movie definitely brings that out and it probably reminds us of our own search to find love, what brought us to this place and what we might still do (if we are single) to find that right person.
So, I guess I’d give this movie 2 or 3 out of 5 stars. It might be a Blockbuster or Netflix pick on a date night in your future.
My Best in Love,

Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
Related Reviews:
http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/445572/Valentine-s-Day-New-Line-/overview  
http://movies.nytimes.com/2010/02/12/movies/12valentine.html  
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/15/movies/15arts-VALENTINESDA_BRF.html  
http://www.iesb.net/extensions/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=8377:movie-review-valentines-day-comes-whether-you-like-it-or-not&catid=41:news&Itemid=71  
http://www.valentinesdaymovie.com/  
 

Today I saw a recent article in the NY Times about The Museum of Broken Relationships. It is centered in Croatia and has been on tour. It originated when two artists split up and they were sorting through their common assets. It was difficult to split up their most beloved things. They started similar possessions from friends to create an exhibition that has now travelled to 12 countries. It has been in San Francisco and will come to the USA again. The love objects tell a story of broken love and they also reflect the cultures they came from. Some examples include a container filled with tears, a cell phone given to a woman from a man so that she could not call him anymore and a woman’s hair that she cut in a moment of intensity. It has romantic and touching letters and photographs and every item has a description related to the relationship from which it derived. All items are anonymous. You can even try to send in your own donation item by downloading a form here: http://www.brokenships.com/sendex.php  and check out their exhibitions at: www.brokenships.com  . I love their context that this museum offers people the chance to overcome emotional collapse through creation.

In NYC there is also The Museum of Sex that I have not been to as yet. Their website is www.museumofsex.com  . They have exhibitions including Rubbers, The Sex Life of Robots, The sex Lives of Animals, Naked Ambition, Sex Machines and many more and admission is around $15 per person. This museum explores the vicissitudes of sex.

When I googled ‘Museum of Love,’ guess what came up? The Museum of Fat Love, an online gallery of overweight people in love. It is described as ‘an incomplete collection of evidence proving the existence of those not-so-rare creatures: fat people in love.’ When you click on the thumb nail of the couples’ photo you can read their story. You can see the website at: http://love.twowholecakes.org/  

Then I did find something called ‘Museum of Love’ a virtual online museum featuring love stories, love products, free tarot readings and paintings of historic lovers. The website is: http://museumoflove.org/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1  . You can even send a free love postcard from the website. Kris Waldherr was the creator and she also has a gallery at 1501 Newkirk Avenue in Brooklyn, NY that has an exhibit called ‘Art and Words’ from February 6th to April 4th and most events are free. Call 347-406-5811 for information. Although this seems fun and worth checking out it sounds like it’s mostly centered around this particular author’s tarot and love products.

I also came across something called ‘The Global Love Museum’ at http://www.globallovemuseum.net/love.aspx?id=13  which seems to be an emerging online website that will display your stories of love and that intends to have an online love museum of photography, art and music. I did not look that long so maybe other love museums exist.

But I still think that a physical Love Museum in NYC could house collective art from artists who want to express their stories of romantic love including many mediums like photography, embroidery, sculpture, collage, painting etc. There could be divisions including dating, long-term relationships, co-habitation, marriage, divorce etc. Maybe it could even be called ‘The Developmental Love Museum.’

As the ‘NY Love Examiner’ and a psychologist and teacher who constantly hears about stories of love, I think love is ripe with creative expression and god knows there are artists worldwide looking for opportunities to create and exhibit meaningful work. Anyway… just a thought.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

 Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is the author of ‘Dating from the Inside out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria books.

Related Links:

http://www.brokenships.com/about.php

 http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/15/arts/design/15broken.html

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=89785613

 http://www.bing.com/videos/watch/video/broken-heart-museum/6crkf37

 http://www.nbcbayarea.com/around-town/events/Museum_Of_Broken_Relationships_Bay_Area.html

 http://www.museumofsex.com/

 http://love.twowholecakes.org/

 http://www.globallovemuseum.net/love.aspx?id=13  

Our Valentine’s Day in 2010

This year so many prix fixed dinners in NYC on Valentine’s Day ran from $65 per person to $150. We didn’t want to spend that so we came up with an alternate plan. Our friend Leah who is an actress, artist and singer handed us a flier for a singing gig that she had on Sunday. It was $20 and it included brunch and beautiful music for up to three hours.
So we went to a place called ‘Tea & Things of that Kind’ in Harlem to see Lady Leah & The Blues Masters. Lady Leah was really our friend Leah Finney and the band that she was singing with yesterday was great. Her three sets consisted of love songs and her sunny passionate energy came shining through as usual. We had a great time. The food there was good. Brunch consisted of a small sandwich (you had a choice of a few kinds), a small soup and coffee or tea, plus the wonderful performance. For that price, it was well worth it. Having said that, if you normally associate bunch with eggs Benedict this is not that. It is more like a light bite than a full brunch meal so do not come there really hungry.

Nonetheless, my husband and I would go there again. I believe that Lady Leah will be singing there regularly. Both she and ‘Tea & Things of that Kind’ are working on finishing their websites now. So for the time being, I will post the contact information for them both that I do have. Lady Leah is also available as a singer for private and corporate events. So, go check her out! We had a romantic, low-key, lovely and inexpensive Valentine’s Day treat. I will post the slideshow and video below.
We decided to make fondue for our Valentine’s dinner at home. We finally broke in our fondue pot. I will paste the links to the recipes we used here in case you want to try it too. Cheese Fondue:  http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Cheese-Fondue/Detail.aspx and a Totally Groovy Chocolate Fondue: http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Totally-Groovy-Chocolate-Fondue/Detail.aspx.   It makes for an easy, quick romantic and cozy dinner.
I hope you had wonderful Valentine’s Day and that you’ll check out a jazz brunch place or make fondue with your next date. Enjoy!
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com  
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
CONTACT INFO:
Tea& Things of That Kind
2340 Adam Clayton Powell Blvd. (Corner of 137th St)
NY, NY 10030
(917)829-5891

Singer: Leah Finney aka ‘Lady Leah’ 646-319-0409; PEARSONART7@GMAIL.COM

Band: The Blues Masters
 

Our Jazz & Gospel Brunch