You’ve Got to Remain on the Field to Win: A Reader’s Question
May 12th, 2010 by adminDear Paulette, So there is this guy who I have known for about 5 years. We were good friends at one point then kind of drifted but always remained acquaintances. When I was home for spring break from college he asked me if I’d like to go out for dinner and drinks with him. Although I thought it might be awkward because we were friends I went anyway and ended up having a really good time. I went back up to school but we kept in touch through texting and calling. He came up for a few days and we had an amazing time together and from there we started talking more seriously and telling each other how much we liked each other and how we both could see this going somewhere serious. The next weekend I went up to his brothers school with him and got to meet his family and I could see he had clearly told them all about me. He admitted to me that he had, and he also told me that he had shown my picture to his co-workers and friends and told them all about me. We were at the point where we were inviting each other to weddings and graduation parties that were taking place in the next few months. We continued talking a lot and a couple of weeks later I decided to come back home for a bit to visit him. He was really excited and the day before I came home he told me how everyday he liked me more and more and he felt lucky to be with someone like me. I came home and he invited me over and everything went really well and was fun. Then I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. Finally he called me and told me he couldn’t see us together, which really confused me. I asked him if I had done or said anything to freak him out and he said I hadn’t, it was just something he realized while at work. He seemed really freaked out, which was odd because of everything we had said and on top of that we had known each other for 5 years at this point. He went from being this great guy that I had always thought of as one of the most genuine guys I knew, to really cold towards me and told me he still wanted to be friends, which is a lie because he won’t speak to me. I asked him if he meant all the things he had said just 3 days prior and he said he did. So how does someone’s feelings change overnight? My parents think he might be gay and my being home made him realize that I would be home for good soon and he wouldn’t be able to pretend anymore. I’m not sure and would love your advice! Signed, Jilted
Dear Jilted,
I am sorry to hear that happened. It sounds disappointing. I am curious about a few things that were not clear in your letter: For how long a period were the you two dating? Also, on this last date, did you two sleep together or had you already had sex? I am not saying that these two factors definitely had something to do with what happened but they could be important pieces of the puzzle.
As for him being gay, I would have no way of knowing that. You could consider his history of relationships and whether he has had many relationships with women. But sometimes people are bi-sexual and sometimes even gay men may be confused or might experiment with the opposite sex. Still, this reason seems to be a long shot.
Leaving that possibility out, what we do know is that he had doubts about you and is now saying that he wants to move on. As disappointing as that is, I do not think it is in your best interest to spend a lot of time analyzing him and his potential reasons because you will probably never know. Neither of us are psychic and he may not even understand his own ambivalence. This is actually a very important point for other daters too. When someone does not want you, the best thing is to move on to someone who does. I am not saying that you should not examine your part in relationships but if something was wrong, he had the option of coming to you so that you could work on it together. To me, dating is like a tennis game. You can’t keep serving if your partner is not hitting back. If he will not tell you what is hanging him up then he has chosen to remove himself and to leave the playing field. At this point the best thing you can do is find someone more committed to playing the game with you, through all the attendant stops, starts, fouls and frustrations that will arise. His commitment and follow through is certainly not qualifying him as a long term boyfriend or husband for you so it should now be your call that he is not the right partner for you.
So keep your eye on the ball, know your strengths and your commitment to relationships and look for someone who is your true match. I know it is tough to keep moving on but you only want to invest in someone who will stick around and who won’t forfeit in the middle of the game. If you maintain the knowledge of who you are and what you have to offer, you will be able to view this ending as his loss. Just don’t let his actions make you become a quitter. The game of Love can be a tough one but you need to hang in there, show up in each moment and keep playing your heart out. Remember: the right guy will notice you and will stick around.
Lastly (and I hesitate in mentioning this because I don’t know you) you may want to see if you have a pattern of picking men who are really into you in the beginning and then suddenly change their minds and seem to betray you. By a pattern I mean that this has happened more than three times. Of course bad things happen to everyone in dating but I know that (although I disguised your name here) that you sent me a similar dating situation not long ago, so that makes two men like this who you have been attracted to. This does not mean that I am ‘blaming the victim’ for their actions. If you read my book, ‘Dating from the Inside out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart,’ the first section is about Unconscious Dating. It helps the reader see if they have an unconscious type that they keep picking as a mate and it allows you to understand why this might be the case. Once you are aware of your dating pattern you can do two things: 1) You can begin to notice when a date is like this sooner, and walk away immediately when he is 2) You can consider what an opposite guy would be like and start to look for them instead and give them a real chance. For example, if a guy was really consistent over time with you and was always honest, would you think of him as a friend or would you be bored? Before you answer too quickly, review the men who have liked you who were really like this over time in your past and think about whether you gave them a real shot. It is hard to change your dating psychology and patterns (if this is the case with you) but my book could be a starting point and if you still feel stuck there you might consider going to therapy around exploring how to pick a partner who will be healthy and consistent for you. If this last part does not apply to your love life patterns please disregard it. It may fit for someone else and could subsequently help them.
My Best in Love,
Paulettewww.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.


