Unconscious Mating

 Dear Paulette,  So there is this guy who I have known for about 5 years. We were good friends at one point then kind of drifted but always remained acquaintances. When I was home for spring break from college he asked me if I’d like to go out for dinner and drinks with him. Although I thought it might be awkward because we were friends I went anyway and ended up having a really good time. I went back up to school but we kept in touch through texting and calling. He came up for a few days and we had an amazing time together and from there we started talking more seriously and telling each other how much we liked each other and how we both could see this going somewhere serious. The next weekend I went up to his brothers school with him and got to meet his family and I could see he had clearly told them all about me. He admitted to me that he had, and he also told me that he had shown my picture to his co-workers and friends and told them all about me. We were at the point where we were inviting each other to weddings and graduation parties that were taking place in the next few months. We continued talking a lot and a couple of weeks later I decided to come back home for a bit to visit him. He was really excited and the day before I came home he told me how everyday he liked me more and more and he felt lucky to be with someone like me. I came home and he invited me over and everything went really well and was fun. Then I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. Finally he called me and told me he couldn’t see us together, which really confused me. I asked him if I had done or said anything to freak him out and he said I hadn’t, it was just something he realized while at work. He seemed really freaked out, which was odd because of everything we had said and on top of that we had known each other for 5 years at this point. He went from being this great guy that I had always thought of as one of the most genuine guys I knew, to really cold towards me and told me he still wanted to be friends, which is a lie because he won’t speak to me. I asked him if he meant all the things he had said just 3 days prior and he said he did. So how does someone’s feelings change overnight? My parents think he might be gay and my being home made him realize that I would be home for good soon and he wouldn’t be able to pretend anymore. I’m not sure and would love your advice! Signed, Jilted

Dear Jilted, 

I am sorry to hear that happened.  It sounds disappointing.  I am curious about a few things that were not clear in your letter:  For how long a period were the you two dating?  Also, on this last date, did you two sleep together or had you already had sex?  I am not saying that these two factors definitely had something to do with what happened but they could be important pieces of the puzzle. 

As for him being gay, I would have no way of knowing that.  You could consider his history of relationships and whether he has had many relationships with women.  But sometimes people are bi-sexual and sometimes even gay men may be confused or might experiment with the opposite sex.  Still, this reason seems to be a long shot. 

Leaving that possibility out, what we do know is that he had doubts about you and is now saying that he wants to move on.  As disappointing as that is, I do not think it is in your best interest to spend a lot of time analyzing him and his potential reasons because you will probably never know.  Neither of us are psychic and he may not even understand his own ambivalence.  This is actually a very important point for other daters too.  When someone does not want you, the best thing is to move on to someone who does.  I am not saying that you should not examine your part in relationships but if something was wrong, he had the option of coming to you so that you could work on it together.  To me, dating is like a tennis game.  You can’t keep serving if your partner is not hitting back.  If he will not tell you what is hanging him up then he has chosen to remove himself and to leave the playing field.  At this point the best thing you can do is find someone more committed to playing the game with you, through all the attendant stops, starts, fouls and frustrations that will arise.  His commitment and follow through is certainly not qualifying him as a long term boyfriend or husband for you so it should now be your call that he is not the right partner for you. 

So keep your eye on the ball, know your strengths and your commitment to relationships and look for someone who is your true match.  I know it is tough to keep moving on but you only want to invest in someone who will stick around and who won’t forfeit in the middle of the game.  If you maintain the knowledge of who you are and what you have to offer, you will be able to view this ending as his loss.  Just don’t let his actions make you become a quitter.  The game of Love can be a tough one but you need to hang in there, show up in each moment and keep playing your heart out.  Remember: the right guy will notice you and will stick around. 

Lastly (and I hesitate in mentioning this because I don’t know you) you may want to see if you have a pattern of picking men who are really into you in the beginning and then suddenly change their minds and seem to betray you.  By a pattern I mean that this has happened more than three times. Of course bad things happen to everyone in dating but I know that (although I disguised your name here) that you sent me a similar dating situation not long ago, so that makes two men like this who you have been attracted to.  This does not mean that I am ‘blaming the victim’ for their actions.  If you read my book, ‘Dating from the Inside out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart,’ the first section is about Unconscious Dating.  It helps the reader see if they have an unconscious type that they keep picking as a mate and it allows you to understand why this might be the case.  Once you are aware of your dating pattern you can do two things: 1) You can begin to notice when a date is like this sooner, and walk away immediately when he is  2) You can consider what an opposite guy would be like and start to look for them instead and give them a real chance.  For example, if a guy was really consistent over time with you and was always honest, would you think of him as a friend or would you be bored?  Before you answer too quickly, review the men who have liked you who were really like this over time in your past and think about whether you gave them a real shot.  It is hard to change your dating psychology and patterns (if this is the case with you) but my book could be a starting point and if you still feel stuck there you might consider going to therapy around exploring how to pick a partner who will be healthy and consistent for you.  If this last part does not apply to your love life patterns please disregard it.  It may fit for someone else and could subsequently help them. 

My Best in Love, 

Paulettewww.mydatingschool.com 

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. 

Happy Mother’s day!

pks

Coming back to our source for today we thank the woman who made us, without whom we would not be here.
We thank other women who have nurtured and mothered us without the title and those we have lost through distance, circumstance and death. We carry them with us.
We thank the mother we now are and the mother that we are becoming—to ourselves, our loved ones, our children and to the world at large.
We thank Mother Earth for supporting us and sustaining us through air, sun, vegetation, water, oxygen and for being the very earth upon which we walk.
We thank the Great Mother, who was silent before time began, the great void who is everything-receptive, kind, where all is possible and present, full of peace, love and oneness.
I hope that everyone has a fabulous Mother’s Day today and that you pause to appreciate the nurturers (on so many levels) all around you who have made you who you are. Let’s celebrate the love, femininity and continuity that empowers us on this important day.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
 

How 7 Themes from ‘Sex and the City’ are reflected in New York Dating:

This week I was asked to be on a radio show about the upcoming film, ‘Sex and the City 2’ (coming out on May 27^th) and how themes from this show and movie are reflected in New York dating.  I have seen most of the television episodes and the movie, so I took a moment today to consider what dating truths these characters might reveal.  Here are the 5 dating and relationship themes from ‘Sex in the City’ that I have resonated with:

1.       People Date Unconsciously: 

In my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ I discuss how singles often pick the same type of partners over and over again.  They may look different on the outside but often their psychology is similar.  This unconscious blueprint causes us to pick mates who may not objectively be the best for us, and yet this is who we find ourselves most attracted to.  My book goes into this in much more depth, helping you to identify your own unconscious dating patterns but for the purposes of this blog, let me give a few examples from our ‘Sex and the City’ characters:

CARRIE:  Carrie tends to pick interesting men who have problems committing.  Mr. Big (early on) was the prime examples but there were many others along the way.  When she is confronted with a ready and committed man Aidan, she chooses to cheat and then bolt.  From the outside, many fans wonder why she would not choose trusty sweet Aidan over moody mercurial Mr. Big.  Perhaps Carrie was also afraid of marriage and commitment and psychologically she was more ready for adventure and independence.  Her penchant for Mr. Big was reflected in this but it ended up causing her a lot of dating misery along the way.

2.       When you learn to Look Beyond ‘Your Type’ in Dating, You Can Love More:

Often we are stuck on a certain description when it comes to finding a mate.  Women tend to be concerned with height, career, financial status etc.  Ironically, we are often less concerned and clear with the inside qualities and character of our life mate and how to discern them.  It is okay to have outside preferences but it is important to be open to different types of people and to experience those relationships a bit before we judge.  Here are a few examples of this from our ‘Sex and the City’ characters:

MIRANDA:  Miranda is a high powered Harvard lawyer who initially seems to be looking for a powerfully ambitious and successful man.  She goes through a few of these but she does not seem to fully trust them.  It is only when she chooses Steve (a man way beyond her type) that she experiences feeling cherished and she realizes that she loves and trusts him.  Steve is a bartender who is simple, mellow and laid back and is turns out that he balances out Miranda’s drive, her verbal acuity and her intensity. 

CHARLOTTE:  Charlotte has always dreamed of marrying a rich doctor from a great family who is gorgeous and from her religion.  She is a planner and she feels like g-d has answered her prayers when she meets Trey, her first husband.  With Trey, everything looks perfect from the outside.  He has the status, breeding, looks and accomplishments of which everyone would approve.  The problem was that although Trey was ‘a nice guy’ Charlotte realizes that psychologically Trey is overly attached to his mother, he has sexual issues and he is not able to voice his feelings and to make his own choices.  As a result, Charlotte is miserably unhappy and chooses to divorce him.  It is only when Charlotte meets Harry (her divorce lawyer) that her love paradigm is flipped on its ear.  She feels afraid to embrace a man who has a different religion, who is balding and overweight.  She fears that she will be judged but she is able to push past this and listen to her heart.  She finds that not only is she attracted to harry but on an emotional level he provides her with all that she wants and needs and he is a much better fit than Trey.

3.       Forgiveness is Important in Relationships:

We are all human and if we are going to have a lifelong relationship then we need to make some room for mistakes.  I always say that everyone is going to have challenging qualities it is just which ones you choose.  There is always a continuum of which mistakes you can forgive and grow from and which ones are deal breakers.  Here are some examples from ‘Sex and the City’:

CARRIE:  In the film, Carrie is finally set to marry Mr. Big and he freaks out and leaves her at the altar.  Now many say that Carrie should never have forgiven him for this.  But in Carrie’s mind (after she calmed down for awhile) she knew that Mr. Big loved her and this was one of the issues that she knew that he came with.  She had not checked in with him about the wedding and his fears and after they reunited, they were married in a smaller ceremony that worked for them both.

MIRANDA:  In the film Miranda learns that Steve has been unfaithful to her and she is livid and hurt.  After going to couples therapy, she weighs the pros and cons of their relationship and she decides to forgive him and to move forward.  Although many women would not agree with her choice, ‘Sex and the City’ seems to make the case that for Miranda it was worth it.

4.       It’s Important to Choose a Mate for Authentic Inside Reasons, not Just Outside Ones:  

In relationships it is easy to get taken in by the romance, courting, drama and the newness.  Certain mates or parts of the package might be impressive to our friends and society but in the end, it is just the two of you who are really living the truth of your relationship, and that is what matters.  Here are some examples of this:

CHARLOTTE:  We already discussed the dichotomy of Trey versus Harry and how Charlotte learns to listen to her heart instead of her head.

CARRIE:  Carrie opts for a big dramatic society wedding but later she realizes that all she really wanted was to spend her life with Mr. Big.  They end up having a small ceremony and eating in a diner with their best friends.

SAMANTHA:  Samantha seems like she found the greatest catch in her boyfriend Smith.  He is rich, sweet, loyal, gorgeous and honest.  Despite the fact that no one would understand her choice, Samantha follows her heart or nature and chooses to be on her own again, despite outside appearances.

MIRANDA:  Miranda gave up her idea of a rich ambitious man in order to love Steve, a bar tender who made a great husband and father for her.

5.       It’s Important for You to Be Ready for Commitment for You To Attract a Committed Mate:

It is my opinion that in the beginning of ‘Sex and the City’ most of the characters (other than Charlotte) were looking for love but they were a bit commitment phobic.  So although they were taking the actions for finding love, their psychology put up barriers to men, marriage and to losing their independence.  It also caused them to choose men who would not commit or to run from ones who would commit.  This is why my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ helps singles to get ready for the right mate psychologically so that they can then manifest what they want externally.  Here are some examples of how our characters were commitment phobic initially and how they created that in their dating journey:

 MIRANDA:  Miranda often picked unavailable men and she would run from the ones who were ready to commit to her, like Skippy.  It was only over time that Miranda stopped pushing Steve away and she finally admitted that she wanted to be with him.

               CARRIE:  Carrie also chose a lot of unavailable men.  Although she and Mr. Big finally marry at the end of the film, it is questionable whether she or Mr. Big’s ambivalence towards commitment will completely disappear.

               SAMANTHA:  Samantha is consciously ambivalent about commitment and this is why at the end she ends things with smith.  She prefers to be on her own and she remains happy with just having short term romantic adventures.  This is her preference.

6.        You need to ‘get out there’ and have persistence when it comes to finding love:

No matter how many times they have their hearts broken these women go out of their comfort zone and continue to go out and look for new prospects.  In my book I say that it is unrealistic to stay home in your pajamas and hope that your Prince Charming will come and ring your bell.  These characters are representative of the work it takes to meet many dating prospects.  They are always going out and they have tried a lot of different things to meet their mate.  Here are some examples:

MIRANDA:  In one episode Miranda tries speed dating to meet someone.

CHARLOTTE: Charlotte attends a workshop to help her attract the mate of her dreams.

CARRIE: Carrie constantly attends events, goes to bars and parties dressed to the hilt in the hopes of meeting someone.

7.       It helps to have a great support network to brave the rejection of dating & relationships:

One of the things that viewers love most about ‘Sex and the City’ is the incredible friendship these women have. Knowing that no matter what happens or where they go, that they have each other helps them withstand much heart ache and rejection.  In dating and in life, it is important to have that support team who stands by you and helps you through things no matter what.  Here are some examples of this:

MIRANDA:  When her mom dies, all the girls come to the funeral to support her and they are there for her during her break with Steve.

CHARLOTTE:  Her friends help her through her first divorce and her depression over not getting pregnant with Harry.

CARRIE:  Her friends help her through many breakups, financial problems and they even go on her honeymoon with her when she is left at the altar.

SAMANTHA:  Her friends help her through cancer and through periods of depression.

If you have enjoyed the fun and glamour of ‘Sex and the City’ perhaps today you have now also considered the psychological lessons that we can learn from these characters.  I don’t know about you but I am excited to see the sequel.  Maybe now we will learn something about marriage since most of our characters have now moved on from dating.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Related Links:http://www.sexandthecitymovie.com/ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_and_the_City  

This past Friday night we went out to dinner and then decided to visit the area of Brooklyn where we first met: Ditmas.  We had both been therapists at a clinic there 5 years ago so it was fun to revisit our old stomping grounds.  Anyway, I had read in Time Out magazine that there was an art gallery featuring goddess art that had salons every so often.  These salons featured free admission, free refreshments, tarot readings, massages at $1 a minute and the chance to view the goddess art of Kris Waldherr.  Waldherr was a fellow author of my own publishing house Beyond Words, she had illustrated the beautiful tarot deck called the Goddess Tarot and had published many other beautifully illustrated books. 

So we dropped by and said hello.  It was fun meeting Kris and speaking to her about publishing.  I loved the art and bought a beautiful picture of the goddess Yemaya on the beach that was framed for just $25!  This might be a great place to drop by for your Mother’s Day gifts!  I also had a tarot reading done there by Golda for $20.  She was really sweet and I will post her information below too in case you want to get a reading or check out her website.  My husband and I skipped the massages this time but he had wine and refreshments and we enjoyed ourselves and our time out a lot.

If you would like to check out this gallery of goddess art and the salons that Kris hosts, it is called Art and Words.  I will post that contact information below.  Kris also hosts publishing workshops for authors and creativity workshops there. 

To see a picture of her work and a snapshot of the gallery wall go to: http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m5d1-The-Goddess-Art-Date

CONTACT INFORMATION:

Kris Waldherr

Art & Words Studio and Gallery

1501 Newkirk Avenue (at Marlborough Rd)

Brooklyn, NY 11226

346-406-5811

www.artandwords.com

kris@artandwords.com

Golda’s Golden Tarot

www.goldenintuition.com 

goldentarot@yahoo.com

917-270-6341 

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

So, it’s beautiful out now and you can appreciate this great weather and have a whole day of romance very inexpensively (most often even free).  This morning I was thinking of 10 sun date ideas for you to take someone special out and get to know them better in a relaxed setting.  They are:

1.       Sun bathe on the Great Lawn in Central Park.  Bring a football or Frisbee to play together.  Grab some sandwiches and a few beers and relax and talk.

2.       Walk the High Line together and then go get ice cream:  Check out my blog on the High Line for more info: http://www.thehighline.org/

3.       Secure a rooftop to sunbathe on and play board games together while snacking and sharing some wine.

4.       Go to a free outdoor concert in one of the many NY parks:  Check out this link for more free outdoor concert info:  http://gonyc.about.com/cs/music/a/summermusic.htm

5.       Have a beach date: Sunbathe, make sandcastles and swim in the ocean together.

6.       Take a rowboat out in Central Park:  It’s only $12 for an hour! See their website for more info:  http://www.thecentralparkboathouse.com/sections/boats.htm

7.       Fly a kite together: My husband and I did this when we were dating many years ago and it was fun and relaxing.

8.       Ride the water taxi or the Staten Island Ferry together and catch some rays in the process:  Check out their websites:  http://www.nywatertaxi.com/  or  http://www.siferry.com/

9.       Visit the public pool or a city YMCA pool as a guest.  Check out some websites:  http://www.citidex.com/891.htm

10.   Go to the Botanical Gardens and have a picnic.  See their website:  http://www.nybg.org/

If you have any other great sun bathing dates to add to this list, please share your ideas under comments!

Thanks!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of, ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Yesterday I saw the movie, ‘The Back-up Plan’ which just opened in NY.  Jennifer Lopez was luminous in it.  Ironically she looked great after having her own kids in real life.  The movie itself wasn’t great but it was enjoyable and it covered some important issues.  In it, the main character Zoe decides that she has not met the man of her dreams and she wants to have a baby, so she embarks on her back up plan and decides to become inseminated and become a single mom.  She goes through with the insemination process and through an ironic twist of fate, on that same day she meets the guy that she wants to spend her life with.  After one date with him she discovers that the insemination worked and that she is pregnant!  Of course she then has to break the news to him and she expects him to run but he says that wants to keep dating her.  I don’t want to give the whole movie away but let’s just say that the film then covers their journey together throughout Zoe’s pregnancy!

The film was funny and cute and it highlighted that a wonderful, successful woman could approach motherhood alone.  In the start of the film Zoe joins a ‘single mother and proud’ group where she gets the support of other single moms.  We see one mom give birth within a circle of support of her women friends.  So this does briefly illustrate that option.  And although the romantic Hollywood element of Zoe unexpectedly finding love is positive, I wish that there was finally a movie where the heroine ends up alone and happy.  I say this because similarly in the movie ‘Baby Mama’ the heroine changes direction from single motherhood and ends up in love and embracing partnership at the last minute.  This almost seems to say to the public that this is the only way to be happy and to start a family.  While that is one sort of happy ending, it is not the only one.  I think it would be great if there was a movie that represented single moms and their journey; one that did not end up with the requisite Hollywood ending.

Having said this, this film showed some funny details about pregnancy, it demonstrated how men often panic when becoming dads and it showed how life is often unexpected and things happen out of order and in their own time.  Although Zoe was a planner, she could not plan when she would meet her dream man or how and when she would marry.  This is a point to which many of us can relate in different ways in our lives.

In one of my other blogs I discussed the issue of the biological clock for some single women and how challenging it can be.  Today I see many more women who are considering freezing their eggs or becoming single moms and this can be pricey and scary.  I also see more women settling down in a relationship later and having to go through various medical interventions including IUI and invitro.  It is great that as women we have more options to become mothers these days but it is still something we are figuring out so it would be great if it was represented in our culture more through various art forms and media.  I think it is important for people traveling this journey to feel recognition and belonging within the community.

Although this film only got 2.5 stars in the NY Times, I appreciated seeing it because it approached a somewhat new topic that affects single women today.  If you do go and see it or you would like to comment on single motherhood or the many medical interventions used to become a mom today, please do so below.  We’d love to know what you think!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’

Related Links:

http://insidemovies.moviefone.com/2010/04/22/the-back-up-plan-movie-reviews/

Hi all, 

Two cable shows that I recently taped about dating will be airing on Manhattan cable.  The show is called ‘Something to Offer’ and the host Anne Marie decided to explore parts of my book, ‘Dating From  the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters in Matters of the Heart’ in further depth.   She invited on some single women that I had not met and we had an impromptu discussion about unconscious dating and the process of becoming the partner you want to attract.  It was fun. 

The first part of this series will air this Saturday 7:30PM on channel TW 56 or RCN 83.  The first show will be on Saturday 4/24 at 7:30 PM (this weekend) and the second show will air next month on Saturday 5/22 at 7:30PM.   If you live in another borough besides Manhattan or in another state entirely you can watch it on those same dates and times on your computer.  It will be video streamed at that time only at www.mnn.org. This won’t be posted on utube so try and catch it live if you can. 

And if you do see the shows and any of the dating topics provoke further thought, please write any questions or reflections under comments.  I would be happy to explore the topics that resonate with you further. 

Thanks! 

My Best in Love, 

Paulettewww.mydatingschool.com  

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters in Matters of the Heart’

So this past Saturday it was supposed to rain but we got lucky.  I had wanted to see the cherry blossoms at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden so we opted for a date in Brooklyn.  It was $8 per person which was reasonable.  We were able to find street parking so that should not be a problem.  First we walked around the Brooklyn Botanical Garden and saw the beautiful cherry blossoms and the Japanese pond.  This is a terrific date spot and the Sakura Matsuri 2010 Festival begins there on Sat May 1^st and Sun May 2^nd.  This includes Japanese music and dance, tea ceremonies, flower arranging, drumming and over 60 events.  Admission to the festival is $15 per person, so check it out.  I am posting the link to their website below.

Right around the corner from the Brooklyn Botanical garden is the Brooklyn Museum.  We walked over and wandered into the lobby area and could peruse a lot of free art there in a short time.  We saw Rodin sculptures and took a brochure for target First Saturdays at the museum (which is free after 5PM).  If you wanted a fuller date and had more energy than us, you could visit the whole museum.  Suggested contribution is $10 a person and you can check out their website (I’ve posted it below).

Then we went to dinner at a small place nearby called The Jakewalk.  I had read that they had great reasonably priced fondue.  We ordered the Cheese Fondue for two for just $16.  It was delicious.  In the picture it just looks like cheese and hunks of bread but they also gave us salami and green apples to dunk.  It was plenty for two people.  We each got sodas too and the total bill came out to $10 per person.  The place is a bar with tables lined up around the sides but it has a nice cozy ambiance.  One wall is exposed brick and it is nicely decorated.  They also had Chocolate Fondue for two but we decided to skip it this time and get dessert elsewhere.

We went two blocks to this place called Sweet Melissa’s for dessert.  The place is adorable and it is very yummy.  I got the apple pie and my husband got the pumpkin bread pudding (see photos).   Each dessert was around $7 and well worth it.

I would highly recommend all the aforementioned date spots.  After seeing four new places that day, the total tab was $25 per person—not bad!  So consider following our route or creating your own date day in Brooklyn.  And when the sun comes out, definitely check out the cherry blossoms.

I hope you enjoy our slideshow.  You can see it at: http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m4d18-The-Brooklyn-Date.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Related Links:

http://www.bbg.org/

http://www.bbg.org/sakura2010/

http://www.brooklynmuseum.org/

http://www.thejakewalk.com/index2.php

http://www.sweetmelissapatisserie.com/main.html  

My husband and I rented a DVD from Netflix this weekend called, ‘Fireproof.’  It was about a marriage that was failing where both people felt frustrated, neglected and alone.  The husband was a fire chief and a hero in every aspect of his life but he felt like a villain at home with his wife.  Similarly, his wife received love and support from friends and at work but failed to feel important to her husband at home.   The movie shows two good-looking, smart, competent, kind people who end up bringing out the worst in each other at home.  Both partners forget to see the positives in their partner that they first fell in love with, even though every else in the community can experience them that way.  Most of their communication after seven years of marriage included bickering, making the other person wrong and distancing.  They slept in separate bedrooms so their sex life became non-existent and they did not have children.  Although she does not start an affair, she begins to get kindness, interest and attention from a doctor at the hospital where she works.  We see how appreciated she feels by him.  The couple is miserable and they begin to feel that they should divorce and many people would agree with this assessment.

They were about to get divorced when the husband’s father asked him to do a ‘Love Dare’ which included his committing to a 40 day challenge to save his marriage.  The father gave him a ‘Love Dare’ journal that prescribed certain actions for each of the forty days.  Some examples included doing a random act of kindness for his wife, really listening to her, trying to learn about her all over again and fixing her a candlelit dinner.  The husband agreed to this, and in the process, he had to keep acting lovingly to his wife, no matter how horribly she reacted to him.  A few times he felt so hurt that he almost gave up completely and let his ego get in the way of his commitment but he was able to remain on course. 

The movie shows moments where he makes his wife a candlelit dinner and tells her that he wants to spend time with her and she says something like, ‘I don’t want to have dinner with you and I don’t love you.’  This could have been ample justification for him to walk away but he chose to continue being loving to her.  At one point he is in the hospital, burnt from a fire where he saved a little girl and his wife just walks away from him.  Nevertheless, he continues to love her and to keep committed to their marriage.  Somewhere towards the end, his wife recognizes that there has been a real change in her husband and although he wants to save their marriage, he has undergone a deeper shift.  He is loving her because that is his commitment, no matter what she decides.  This is unconditional love.  It is hard for anyone to be around unconditional love for a length of time and not to respond to it.  In the end, his wife decides to give him and their marriage another chance and they renew their vows.

There were definitely things about this film that I did not like.  The acting was not great, the writing was pretty schmaltzy and there was a lot of religiousness (mention of Jesus Christ) as a central theme that I could have done without.  I think it could be off-putting to people of a different religion or people who are more agnostic.

What I did like was this seemed to be a film that wanted to help people, make them think and propose a way to take responsibility in your marriage, no matter what your partner is doing.  The concept of committing to love unconditionally in a relationship (regardless of how committed your partner is) was intriguing and I wondered if this idea would work, and how often it is successful.  When I went to the movie’s website there were some interesting resources offered and I’ve posted those links for you below.  They actually created a book called ‘Love Dares’ just like the book that the husband’s father gave him to save his marriage in the movie.  And they also have a blog where couples can do ‘Love Dares’ and write about their 40 day journey and how it has transformed their relationship.  I think this is a good idea and may help some people.

I am tempted to get the book on amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/0805448853/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_1 ) just to see the actions that are suggested over a 40 day period.  Obviously loving kindness is good in any relationship but I do wonder if there are cases where one partner committing to show unconditional love would work to transform a marriage and times that it would not.  The example of the couple in the movie showed partners who had years of hurt, taking each other for granted, lack of passion and distancing.  They were both healthy functioning individuals so what needed to shift in their dynamic was communication, appreciation, forgiveness and making the other a priority.  For these reasons, when one partner infused the relationship with these qualities, the other one chose to respond.  But what happens if one partner is an addict, abuser, philanderer, is violent or a liar?  The spouse can still commit to loving them unconditionally but a character issue might not change no matter how much love there is.  I wonder what the minister who wrote this book would say about that.  So, if couples try this approach they should keep in mind that it may not improve every situation and every relationship and situation is unique.

So, if you see this film, check out the website or try reading the book, ‘Love Dares’ please share your experience with us. 

Sometimes when your relationship is really rocky, both people can come together and work to make it better.  Other times one partner checks out and the only choice is to check out too or to take full responsibility and continue to love them and keep your commitment.  This film provides a glimpse at this approach that may be worth some consideration.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Related Links:

http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/

http://www.lovedarestories.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/0805448853/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_1

Our carousel ride

Now that the weather has turned, we spent the day out on the Coney Island boardwalk and ended up at the Coney Island Amusement Park. My husband and I had our first date there where we rode the Cyclone together. This time we went with our now 20 month old son and he rode on his first two rides with us. How the time has passed!
Entrance to the amusement park is free and rides are about $3 each which isn’t bad. We saw a sign that said they were rebuilding Luna Park (a new section of amusements) with 19 new rides come May 29th! We found that very exciting and we tried to peek into the lot where they are doing construction but all we saw was dirt. It seems like they have a lot of work to do if the grand opening is really going to be on May 29th, 2010, so we’ll see.
The boardwalk has benches to sit and view the beach and ocean, an outdoor beer garden and some nice restaurants. So take your date to the beach, go for dinner and drinks (or a picnic) and then go on the Cyclone or the Wonder Wheel together. You will have a terrific time. You can play the games and win her a teddy bear. Then go into one of those photo booths and get a row of pictures together to remind you of your great date. I highly recommend it!
You can see our brief photo slideshow of our family amusement park date at: http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m4d12-The-Coney-Island-Amusement-Park-Date. Enjoy! And take advantage of the great weather to get out and do something new on your date.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com  
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
Related Links:
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/16/coney-island-rides-again/  
http://www.ny1.com/7-brooklyn-news-content/top_stories/113736/new-rides-set-for-coney-island-this-spring  
http://lunaparknyc.blogspot.com/  
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/coney_island_to_add_new_amusement_adaMIcxNnBNxwyPlE5RjBN  
http://themeparks.about.com/b/2010/02/16/luna-park-coney-island.htm  
http://www.thecidc.org/News/CIDCUpdates/021610.html  
http://www.lunaparknyc.com/  
http://www.brownstoner.com/brownstoner/archives/coney_island_area/  
http://coneyislandfunguide.com/Attraction/Luna-Park.htm  
http://www.coaster101.com/2010/02/17/new-luna-park-at-coney-island/  
 

The Amusement Park Date