Unconscious Mating

So, it’s beautiful out now and you can appreciate this great weather and have a whole day of romance very inexpensively (most often even free).  This morning I was thinking of 10 sun date ideas for you to take someone special out and get to know them better in a relaxed setting.  They are:

1.       Sun bathe on the Great Lawn in Central Park.  Bring a football or Frisbee to play together.  Grab some sandwiches and a few beers and relax and talk.

2.       Walk the High Line together and then go get ice cream:  Check out my blog on the High Line for more info: http://www.thehighline.org/

3.       Secure a rooftop to sunbathe on and play board games together while snacking and sharing some wine.

4.       Go to a free outdoor concert in one of the many NY parks:  Check out this link for more free outdoor concert info:  http://gonyc.about.com/cs/music/a/summermusic.htm

5.       Have a beach date: Sunbathe, make sandcastles and swim in the ocean together.

6.       Take a rowboat out in Central Park:  It’s only $12 for an hour! See their website for more info:  http://www.thecentralparkboathouse.com/sections/boats.htm

7.       Fly a kite together: My husband and I did this when we were dating many years ago and it was fun and relaxing.

8.       Ride the water taxi or the Staten Island Ferry together and catch some rays in the process:  Check out their websites:  http://www.nywatertaxi.com/  or  http://www.siferry.com/

9.       Visit the public pool or a city YMCA pool as a guest.  Check out some websites:  http://www.citidex.com/891.htm

10.   Go to the Botanical Gardens and have a picnic.  See their website:  http://www.nybg.org/

If you have any other great sun bathing dates to add to this list, please share your ideas under comments!

Thanks!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of, ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Yesterday I saw the movie, ‘The Back-up Plan’ which just opened in NY.  Jennifer Lopez was luminous in it.  Ironically she looked great after having her own kids in real life.  The movie itself wasn’t great but it was enjoyable and it covered some important issues.  In it, the main character Zoe decides that she has not met the man of her dreams and she wants to have a baby, so she embarks on her back up plan and decides to become inseminated and become a single mom.  She goes through with the insemination process and through an ironic twist of fate, on that same day she meets the guy that she wants to spend her life with.  After one date with him she discovers that the insemination worked and that she is pregnant!  Of course she then has to break the news to him and she expects him to run but he says that wants to keep dating her.  I don’t want to give the whole movie away but let’s just say that the film then covers their journey together throughout Zoe’s pregnancy!

The film was funny and cute and it highlighted that a wonderful, successful woman could approach motherhood alone.  In the start of the film Zoe joins a ‘single mother and proud’ group where she gets the support of other single moms.  We see one mom give birth within a circle of support of her women friends.  So this does briefly illustrate that option.  And although the romantic Hollywood element of Zoe unexpectedly finding love is positive, I wish that there was finally a movie where the heroine ends up alone and happy.  I say this because similarly in the movie ‘Baby Mama’ the heroine changes direction from single motherhood and ends up in love and embracing partnership at the last minute.  This almost seems to say to the public that this is the only way to be happy and to start a family.  While that is one sort of happy ending, it is not the only one.  I think it would be great if there was a movie that represented single moms and their journey; one that did not end up with the requisite Hollywood ending.

Having said this, this film showed some funny details about pregnancy, it demonstrated how men often panic when becoming dads and it showed how life is often unexpected and things happen out of order and in their own time.  Although Zoe was a planner, she could not plan when she would meet her dream man or how and when she would marry.  This is a point to which many of us can relate in different ways in our lives.

In one of my other blogs I discussed the issue of the biological clock for some single women and how challenging it can be.  Today I see many more women who are considering freezing their eggs or becoming single moms and this can be pricey and scary.  I also see more women settling down in a relationship later and having to go through various medical interventions including IUI and invitro.  It is great that as women we have more options to become mothers these days but it is still something we are figuring out so it would be great if it was represented in our culture more through various art forms and media.  I think it is important for people traveling this journey to feel recognition and belonging within the community.

Although this film only got 2.5 stars in the NY Times, I appreciated seeing it because it approached a somewhat new topic that affects single women today.  If you do go and see it or you would like to comment on single motherhood or the many medical interventions used to become a mom today, please do so below.  We’d love to know what you think!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’

Related Links:

http://insidemovies.moviefone.com/2010/04/22/the-back-up-plan-movie-reviews/

Hi all, 

Two cable shows that I recently taped about dating will be airing on Manhattan cable.  The show is called ‘Something to Offer’ and the host Anne Marie decided to explore parts of my book, ‘Dating From  the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters in Matters of the Heart’ in further depth.   She invited on some single women that I had not met and we had an impromptu discussion about unconscious dating and the process of becoming the partner you want to attract.  It was fun. 

The first part of this series will air this Saturday 7:30PM on channel TW 56 or RCN 83.  The first show will be on Saturday 4/24 at 7:30 PM (this weekend) and the second show will air next month on Saturday 5/22 at 7:30PM.   If you live in another borough besides Manhattan or in another state entirely you can watch it on those same dates and times on your computer.  It will be video streamed at that time only at www.mnn.org. This won’t be posted on utube so try and catch it live if you can. 

And if you do see the shows and any of the dating topics provoke further thought, please write any questions or reflections under comments.  I would be happy to explore the topics that resonate with you further. 

Thanks! 

My Best in Love, 

Paulettewww.mydatingschool.com  

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters in Matters of the Heart’

So this past Saturday it was supposed to rain but we got lucky.  I had wanted to see the cherry blossoms at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden so we opted for a date in Brooklyn.  It was $8 per person which was reasonable.  We were able to find street parking so that should not be a problem.  First we walked around the Brooklyn Botanical Garden and saw the beautiful cherry blossoms and the Japanese pond.  This is a terrific date spot and the Sakura Matsuri 2010 Festival begins there on Sat May 1^st and Sun May 2^nd.  This includes Japanese music and dance, tea ceremonies, flower arranging, drumming and over 60 events.  Admission to the festival is $15 per person, so check it out.  I am posting the link to their website below.

Right around the corner from the Brooklyn Botanical garden is the Brooklyn Museum.  We walked over and wandered into the lobby area and could peruse a lot of free art there in a short time.  We saw Rodin sculptures and took a brochure for target First Saturdays at the museum (which is free after 5PM).  If you wanted a fuller date and had more energy than us, you could visit the whole museum.  Suggested contribution is $10 a person and you can check out their website (I’ve posted it below).

Then we went to dinner at a small place nearby called The Jakewalk.  I had read that they had great reasonably priced fondue.  We ordered the Cheese Fondue for two for just $16.  It was delicious.  In the picture it just looks like cheese and hunks of bread but they also gave us salami and green apples to dunk.  It was plenty for two people.  We each got sodas too and the total bill came out to $10 per person.  The place is a bar with tables lined up around the sides but it has a nice cozy ambiance.  One wall is exposed brick and it is nicely decorated.  They also had Chocolate Fondue for two but we decided to skip it this time and get dessert elsewhere.

We went two blocks to this place called Sweet Melissa’s for dessert.  The place is adorable and it is very yummy.  I got the apple pie and my husband got the pumpkin bread pudding (see photos).   Each dessert was around $7 and well worth it.

I would highly recommend all the aforementioned date spots.  After seeing four new places that day, the total tab was $25 per person—not bad!  So consider following our route or creating your own date day in Brooklyn.  And when the sun comes out, definitely check out the cherry blossoms.

I hope you enjoy our slideshow.  You can see it at: http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m4d18-The-Brooklyn-Date.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Related Links:

http://www.bbg.org/

http://www.bbg.org/sakura2010/

http://www.brooklynmuseum.org/

http://www.thejakewalk.com/index2.php

http://www.sweetmelissapatisserie.com/main.html  

My husband and I rented a DVD from Netflix this weekend called, ‘Fireproof.’  It was about a marriage that was failing where both people felt frustrated, neglected and alone.  The husband was a fire chief and a hero in every aspect of his life but he felt like a villain at home with his wife.  Similarly, his wife received love and support from friends and at work but failed to feel important to her husband at home.   The movie shows two good-looking, smart, competent, kind people who end up bringing out the worst in each other at home.  Both partners forget to see the positives in their partner that they first fell in love with, even though every else in the community can experience them that way.  Most of their communication after seven years of marriage included bickering, making the other person wrong and distancing.  They slept in separate bedrooms so their sex life became non-existent and they did not have children.  Although she does not start an affair, she begins to get kindness, interest and attention from a doctor at the hospital where she works.  We see how appreciated she feels by him.  The couple is miserable and they begin to feel that they should divorce and many people would agree with this assessment.

They were about to get divorced when the husband’s father asked him to do a ‘Love Dare’ which included his committing to a 40 day challenge to save his marriage.  The father gave him a ‘Love Dare’ journal that prescribed certain actions for each of the forty days.  Some examples included doing a random act of kindness for his wife, really listening to her, trying to learn about her all over again and fixing her a candlelit dinner.  The husband agreed to this, and in the process, he had to keep acting lovingly to his wife, no matter how horribly she reacted to him.  A few times he felt so hurt that he almost gave up completely and let his ego get in the way of his commitment but he was able to remain on course. 

The movie shows moments where he makes his wife a candlelit dinner and tells her that he wants to spend time with her and she says something like, ‘I don’t want to have dinner with you and I don’t love you.’  This could have been ample justification for him to walk away but he chose to continue being loving to her.  At one point he is in the hospital, burnt from a fire where he saved a little girl and his wife just walks away from him.  Nevertheless, he continues to love her and to keep committed to their marriage.  Somewhere towards the end, his wife recognizes that there has been a real change in her husband and although he wants to save their marriage, he has undergone a deeper shift.  He is loving her because that is his commitment, no matter what she decides.  This is unconditional love.  It is hard for anyone to be around unconditional love for a length of time and not to respond to it.  In the end, his wife decides to give him and their marriage another chance and they renew their vows.

There were definitely things about this film that I did not like.  The acting was not great, the writing was pretty schmaltzy and there was a lot of religiousness (mention of Jesus Christ) as a central theme that I could have done without.  I think it could be off-putting to people of a different religion or people who are more agnostic.

What I did like was this seemed to be a film that wanted to help people, make them think and propose a way to take responsibility in your marriage, no matter what your partner is doing.  The concept of committing to love unconditionally in a relationship (regardless of how committed your partner is) was intriguing and I wondered if this idea would work, and how often it is successful.  When I went to the movie’s website there were some interesting resources offered and I’ve posted those links for you below.  They actually created a book called ‘Love Dares’ just like the book that the husband’s father gave him to save his marriage in the movie.  And they also have a blog where couples can do ‘Love Dares’ and write about their 40 day journey and how it has transformed their relationship.  I think this is a good idea and may help some people.

I am tempted to get the book on amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/0805448853/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_1 ) just to see the actions that are suggested over a 40 day period.  Obviously loving kindness is good in any relationship but I do wonder if there are cases where one partner committing to show unconditional love would work to transform a marriage and times that it would not.  The example of the couple in the movie showed partners who had years of hurt, taking each other for granted, lack of passion and distancing.  They were both healthy functioning individuals so what needed to shift in their dynamic was communication, appreciation, forgiveness and making the other a priority.  For these reasons, when one partner infused the relationship with these qualities, the other one chose to respond.  But what happens if one partner is an addict, abuser, philanderer, is violent or a liar?  The spouse can still commit to loving them unconditionally but a character issue might not change no matter how much love there is.  I wonder what the minister who wrote this book would say about that.  So, if couples try this approach they should keep in mind that it may not improve every situation and every relationship and situation is unique.

So, if you see this film, check out the website or try reading the book, ‘Love Dares’ please share your experience with us. 

Sometimes when your relationship is really rocky, both people can come together and work to make it better.  Other times one partner checks out and the only choice is to check out too or to take full responsibility and continue to love them and keep your commitment.  This film provides a glimpse at this approach that may be worth some consideration.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Related Links:

http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/

http://www.lovedarestories.com/

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Dare-Stephen-Kendrick/dp/0805448853/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_1

Our carousel ride

Now that the weather has turned, we spent the day out on the Coney Island boardwalk and ended up at the Coney Island Amusement Park. My husband and I had our first date there where we rode the Cyclone together. This time we went with our now 20 month old son and he rode on his first two rides with us. How the time has passed!
Entrance to the amusement park is free and rides are about $3 each which isn’t bad. We saw a sign that said they were rebuilding Luna Park (a new section of amusements) with 19 new rides come May 29th! We found that very exciting and we tried to peek into the lot where they are doing construction but all we saw was dirt. It seems like they have a lot of work to do if the grand opening is really going to be on May 29th, 2010, so we’ll see.
The boardwalk has benches to sit and view the beach and ocean, an outdoor beer garden and some nice restaurants. So take your date to the beach, go for dinner and drinks (or a picnic) and then go on the Cyclone or the Wonder Wheel together. You will have a terrific time. You can play the games and win her a teddy bear. Then go into one of those photo booths and get a row of pictures together to remind you of your great date. I highly recommend it!
You can see our brief photo slideshow of our family amusement park date at: http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m4d12-The-Coney-Island-Amusement-Park-Date. Enjoy! And take advantage of the great weather to get out and do something new on your date.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com  
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
Related Links:
http://cityroom.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/16/coney-island-rides-again/  
http://www.ny1.com/7-brooklyn-news-content/top_stories/113736/new-rides-set-for-coney-island-this-spring  
http://lunaparknyc.blogspot.com/  
http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/brooklyn/coney_island_to_add_new_amusement_adaMIcxNnBNxwyPlE5RjBN  
http://themeparks.about.com/b/2010/02/16/luna-park-coney-island.htm  
http://www.thecidc.org/News/CIDCUpdates/021610.html  
http://www.lunaparknyc.com/  
http://www.brownstoner.com/brownstoner/archives/coney_island_area/  
http://coneyislandfunguide.com/Attraction/Luna-Park.htm  
http://www.coaster101.com/2010/02/17/new-luna-park-at-coney-island/  
 

The Amusement Park Date

Dear Paulette,
So I was dating this guy who I met online for 2 months. In the beginning we definitely knew we liked each other a lot, and would talk on the phone and text but there was no talk on where anything was going so I continued to see other people and I assume he did as well. However, after a few weeks he asked me what I wanted out of our relationship and I told him that I was looking for something serious. He said he wanted something serious as well and was glad we were on the same page. I then asked him if he was seeing other girls and he reassured me that I was the only girl he was interested in. I immediately stopped seeing other people and focused on him. We began talking on the phone every night and he would always tell me how much he cared about me, how he hoped I wasn’t seeing other guys, how he liked how I didn’t go out that much, how he was upset I was travelling this summer and hoped I wouldn’t hook up with other guys, etc… At the time it sounded to me like he really cared about me and wanted me for himself. I told him about guys I had dated in the past who had lead me to believe I was special to them but had ultimately been with other girls and he promised me he was not one of those guys. We also decided to wait to have sex so that it would be special. When we talked and when we were together he always acted really interested in what I had to say and would even call me when out with friends. He always made me feel important and special. One weekend I was at his apartment and noticed a paper that his passwords written on it. I didn’t really think much of it at the time but the password was a common everyday word that kind of stuck. A few days after I came back from his apartment I decided that after our amazing weekend together where he told me how he was falling for me that I would delete my dating profile. While we both kept them up, I never went on mine except to check for funny messages which I would forward to him (I told him I didn’t use it for dating) and he did the same. However, I did notice that he still went on his regularly and updated it. I had asked him about what he did on it and he said he just liked to look at what kind of messages he got. So right before I was going to delete mine his password came to my mind. I have never done anything like this before, and I am not proud of what I did, but something told me to check it since it would be the last time I would be able to. I figured I would check it once and if I found nothing I would delete my profile and never think about it again. However, what I found were tons of sent messages, some of them dated the day after I left his apartment after taking a bus 3 hours to visit him where he went to college, asking girls out on dates and also telling them that he was “having trouble finding Christian girls”. I confronted him, apologizing for checking his profile but wanted to know why he lied. He basically said “we aren’t official I can do what I want”. And when I responded “So even though you tell me I can’t date other guys I really could have?” he responded “Well, as long as you didn’t tell me about it because it would have hurt me”. I know what I did was an invasion of privacy and a crazy thing to do, but my question is, did I lose a potentially really good guy or do you think he would have ended up being a cheater in the end? I know we weren’t official, but at the same time we had said we wouldn’t see other people. Is this behavior I should have to put up with or am I better off without him?

Confused

—————————-

Dear Confused,

Wow.  I’m sorry that happened.  Dating can be confusing and sometimes people are not what they seem.  Let me start with what you did right.  You were honest with him early about your intentions and told him that you wanted a serious relationship.  You also decided to refrain from sleeping together until you knew each other better.  I think a few things to question or think about for the future:

1.     Although he said he did not want you to see other people, you could have clarified if you both are ‘officially a couple’ and therefore neither of you will be seeing other people.  This does not mean that he would not cheat but it means things are crystal clear.  This way you do not close down your options unnecessarily while he continues to entertain possibilities.  Always ask that uncomfortable question for the sake of clarity.

2.     When you decided to take down your dating profile you could have asked him to do the same.  If there was resistance on his part, you could then explore why.

3.     You can observe a person’s behavior and learn a lot in a short time but remember that 2 months is not a long time to know someone.  Give dates time to reveal themselves over a variety of situations before fully emotionally committing to them and feeling that you really know them or what you are getting into.

4.     As you said, it was not great that you checked his profile account as it compromises trust, privacy and boundaries in your relationship.  It turns out that your suspicions were justified but it is a tendency that you should monitor in yourself going forward because it could be cause for someone to break up with you, should nothing be going on.

5.     Trust is built in a relationship by each person doing what they say they will do (ie: their actions match their words).  I am not psychic and I do not know this man but it seems to me that he did not do what he said.  He said you were the only woman he was interested in and that he wanted to focus on you and then he actively searched for Christian girls.  I can’t say that he would cheat in the future (although it is certainly probable) but it does seem that he is currently dishonest and was leading a sort of double life.  His defense was that you were not official but it leads you to wonder if you had clarified this completely, would his actions be any different?  Personally, I have my doubts.

So if I were you, I would move on.  Trust is very important in a relationship and after this you would probably always be questioning what this man says.  I hope you will consider the above points going forward because with every ended relationship there are lessons and possible growth.  There is no way to prevent betrayal and hurt while dating, no matter how wonderful you are.  Sometimes you will come across dishonest people.  All you can do is try to make things clear, honor your words and watch to see if the other person does the same.  If they do, you can move forward together and build your relationship.  If there is no trust or clear communication you will eventually end up apart.My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com 

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
 

Our Picnic Date

For my birthday this year my husband got me a picnic basket. The weather is finally turning nice and we love to go to the beach for inexpensive dates. We used it to take out some grilled cheese sandwiches and drinks and we stopped by the beach in Coney Island at sunset. It was lovely. Our son had a great time running on the beach and when he saw the ocean foam he screamed, ‘bubbles!’
So if you are looking for a romantic, easy and super cheap date idea now that the weather is finally cooperating, buy a picnic basket and you can have a picnic date. You can be a lot more impressive than us and actually cook something or buy some French bread, grapes, cheese and wine. You can bring your ipod with speakers and have music in the background and bring a camera to capture the memory so you can give her a picture of you two later.
 

5 great picnic spots around NYC:
1-The beach
2-Bethesda fountain in Central Park
3-The High Line
4-The Botanical Garden or zoo
5-Battery Park
So romance your date in nature with the help of this beautiful sunny weather. I know you will have a great time!

To see our slideshow go to: http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m4d5-The-Picnic-Date.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
Related Links:
http://www.amazon.com/Maxam-28pc-Picnic-Set-Basket/dp/B0013TR4SI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1270381448&sr=8-1  (here is the picnic basket we have)
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=picnic+basket&x=13&y=16  (a list of some other picnic basket choices)

Our Picnic Date

Last Friday we went on a concert date.  Then our whole family got really sick and I have not felt like dating since—yes me!  This is why I have not been writing for awhile. ..just resting. 

Anyway, last Friday I took my husband to the Norah Jones concert in Madison Square Garden as a surprise.  When we were dating he made me copies of two of her albums and said that they reminded him of me, so we often listen to her music together in the car.  We are not big concert goers but we noticed that she has not done many concerts in NYC so I was excited when I saw that she was performing in NYC on March 27^th.   It turns out that my husband remembered that March 27^th was our first date (I forgot) and he brought home a rose and a card saying that he hoped our date that night would be as great as our first one.  So I was lucky that I had accidentally planned something extra special.

We grabbed some dinner at a Chinese restaurant right near Madison Square Garden at a place called Chef Yu NYC.  We had not made reservations and we just wandered in to eat.  We were late so we were lucky that they were speedy and they took us right away.  It was synchronicity! The place was classy, the space was beautiful, the food was really good, the service was excellent and the price was inexpensive for that area and for such a nice looking place.  Our total bill for two sodas and two yummy dishes came to $20 a person.  So I would recommend this as a good inexpensive dinner date spot near that concert venue.  I’ll post the contact info for the restaurant and related links below.

Anyway, Norah Jones was excellent in concert.  She has such a range and she did a good mixture of old and new songs.  We loved it.

So if you want a romantic date night take your date to a concert to see a concert with a singer they really love.  You can pick ‘your song’ from their list so it’ll always bring back romantic memories.  Who knows…maybe one day it could even be your wedding song.

Music has a way of going straight to the heart.  So place an alert for certain artists that remind you of each other so you’ll know when they are coming into town and then surprise your date!  It does get expensive to go to concerts a lot but our tickets were $40 each and it was a rare romantic treat.

Find out what type of music your date loves and make her/him as mixed CD.  They will hear it and think of you.

If you have any especially romantic concert date suggestions please post your comments below.  Thanks!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

CONTACT INFO:Chef Yu NYC520 8^th AvenueNY, NY 10018

212-736-6150

www.chefyu-nyc.com

Related Links:

http://www.coasttocoasttickets.com/concerts/norahjones_tickets.shtml

http://www.norahjones.com/index.php

http://www.norahjones.com/discography/come-away-with-me.php

http://www.yelp.com/biz/chef-yu-new-york#hrid:bGMvBruQ-uVEanYcGnpGeA/src:search/query:chef%20yu%20nyc