Unconscious Mating

Whenever I hear something three times, I normally pay attention. In the course of the past month, three people mentioned a new book called, ‘The Five Love Languages’ by Gary Chapman, so I ordered it. Chapman is a family therapist that developed this model to help married couples. He has found that that there are five love languages :
1. Quality Time
2. Acts of Service
3. Words of Affirmation
4. Gifts
5. Physical Touch

His book explores each love language in depth, giving examples of how to love your partner in these ways. Chapman’s premise is that trouble can arise when partners speak different love languages and thereby stop meeting each others’ important needs. For example, a wife might need Quality time but her husband needs Acts of Service. So she might try to surprise him with theater tickets to show that she loves him but what he really needs is for her to prepare his dinner and do the laundry. Conversely, he may show he loves her by mowing the yard and doing the dishes but what she really wants is for him to close the television and talk to her for 20 minutes at the end of the day. This is important to understand because it is common for one partner to think the other one wants to be loved in the exact way that they do, but this is a fallacy. So this book helps you to identify your own primary love language, as well as the primary love language of your partner. This realization helps you to connect more. Chapman encourages both partners to fill each others’ love tank by doing something in your partner’s love language that he/she wants three times a week (and vice versa). Like when you were dating, the two of you then recreate an environment where you are consistently giving to each other to make the other happy. This increases the surprises, joy and mutual care in your relationship.

I enjoyed the book and think that it is a clever tool to help couples identify their own primary love needs and to begin to communicate about them and address them together. It is simple to do (as it comes with a quiz at the end to help you identify your love language) and it is something couples can then apply on their own, after reading the book. This is what I liked about it.

The downside is that this simple tool does not contend with the myriad of other issues that challenge married couples including unconscious patterns, their parental blueprint, their need to compromise and communicate about heated issues and their ability to problem-solve as a team. So it is important not to approach this book as THE SOLUTION to marital happiness ever after. It is presented in this way in the book, with the many stories of married couples who make this simple change and are then seemingly happy ever more. While I think identifying each other’s love needs is a good start, there may be other things that couples need to practice and learn in order to work well together in the long run.

Despite this limitation, many married couples get caught up in their routines and responsibilities and what how they treat each other is largely unconscious and automatic. Over the years it’s easy for partners to feel invisible and for their relationship to grow stale. This book can help you to quickly identify what makes you and your partner feel most loved so you can immediately apply it to your relationship. So I encourage couples to get the book, try it and let me know what you think. I’ve posted the link to the book on amazon.com below.

Also feel free to post any revelations about your own love language below.

My Best in Love,

Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com  

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Related Links:

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1269112678&sr=1-1
 

Dining at Gargiulios

This Friday we went to dinner to celebrate my birthday (a bit early) taking advantage of ‘Dine In Brooklyn’ week. Gargiulos is a well known Italian restaurant in Coney Island in Brooklyn and this week prices there were half off. My husband and I courted in Coney Island so it was nice to visit.
Gargiulos is a landmark. It opened in 1907 and just celebrated its 100th anniversary in 2007. It has elegant décor, great service, terrific food and valet parking. We had a three course meal for two for a total of $60. I had the stuffed mushrooms, penne and a cannoli. My husband had the clams, chicken and spumoni. It was all delicious.
If you want to make a night of it you can walk the Coney Island boardwalk after dinner, go down onto the beach and look up at the moon and stars together, for a very romantic date. You can see my other blogs for more information on what to do in Coney Island here: http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2009m2d1-City-Secrets-Coney-Islanda-romantic-undiscovered-treasure .
We really enjoyed our dinner there so if you go check out Gargiulos or Coney Island on a date, let me know what you think.
You can view my slideshow at: http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m3d20-A-Dinner-Date-at-Gargulios.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the law of attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
CONTACT INFO:
Gargulios
2911 w. 15TH St.
Brooklyn, NY
718-266-4891

Related Links:
http://gargiulos.com/
http://www.tripadvisor.com/ShowUserReviews-g60827-d509391-r47197581-Gargiulo_s_Restaurant-Brooklyn_New_York.html  
http://www.yelp.com/biz/gargiulos-brooklyn  
 

Dinner at Gargiulos

I’ve been keeping track of the new speed dating events-literary speed dating, speed dating on roller coasters, speed dating for artists etc but here’s a new one: speed dating for pet owners!

On March 21^st in Detroit, Canine Resolution will host its first ‘Must Love Dogs’ speed dating event for dog owners.  This allows single dog lovers to meet up for 5 minutes with other pet owners.  Some of these pet owners even say that ‘responsible pet ownership’ is one of the top things they look for and they think it’s a sign that  person can make a commitment to care for someone else. Another single reported that if their dog smiles at a prospective date that is a good sign.

So all you pet lovers should talk to your vets and try to arrange your own single pet owner’s speed dating event near you.  God knows that Manhattan could always use one more good unique way for awesome singles to meet!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

I just wanted to give all you Brooklynites (and Brooklyn lovers) a heads up that it’s Dine In Brooklyn Week  from March 15-March 25^th and it started this Monday!  This is a great way to take your date to an upscale restaurant for half the price while experiencing a three course meal for lunch (for $20.10) or dinner (for $25).

To check out the 175 participating restaurants check out this website: http://brooklyn.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=brooklyn&cdn=citiestowns&tm=148&gps=288_185_1579_694&f=20&su=p284.9.336.ip_p554.12.336.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//www.visitbrooklyn.org/pdf/DIB2010.pdf  and print out all your options.  It’s bound to fill up quick so don’t forget to make reservations ahead of time and to specify that you will be eating from the ‘Dine In Brooklyn menu.’

And while you are in beautiful Brooklyn maybe you can check out some of its other attractions like the Brooklyn museum, Coney Island, Prospect Park or so many more.

Happy Dating!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Related Links:

http://brooklyn.about.com/gi/o.htm?zi=1/XJ&zTi=1&sdn=brooklyn&cdn=citiestowns&tm=148&gps=288_185_1579_694&f=20&su=p284.9.336.ip_p554.12.336.ip_&tt=2&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//www.visitbrooklyn.org/pdf/DIB2010.pdf

http://brooklyn.about.com/od/fooddrink/a/restaurantwk.htm

Us brunching at Yaffa Cafe

We decided to meet up with my high school friend for brunch on Sunday and we picked this original kitchy spot in Greenwich village called Yaffa Café. The tables were shiny and there were lanterns, cool statues, electronic waterfalls and unusual objects everywhere you looked. I always think locales like this can jump start the conversation on a first date because you can always begin by discussing the décor.
Each of us ordered a delicious brunch and the total came to only $11 per person including fresh squeezed juice and tip. The food was good and the service was terrific. The place had a nice vibe and was pretty full. It seemed like they had a bunch of regulars there. They even had a nice outdoor garden in the back, for when it gets warmer. Another nice feature for dates is that they seem to be open all night-24 hours! So no matter how late your date goes you can stop by for a late night snack, drink or coffee. They also have free wifi.
So let me know if you do check out this reasonably priced, original café in NYC. Happy Dating! Enjoy!
I’ve posted a slideshow of our outing at: http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m3d15-The-Open-All-Night-Cafe-Date.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
CONTACT INFO:
Yaffa Café
97 St. Marks Place (Bt. 1st Ave & Ave A)
NY, NY 10009
(212) 677-9001
www.yaffacafe.com  

Related Links:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/yaffa-cafe-new-york  
http://nymag.com/listings/restaurant/yaffa-cafe/  
http://www.menupages.com/restaurants/yaffa-cafe/  
http://events.nytimes.com/gst/nycguide.html?detail=restaurants&id=1002207999953  
http://newyork.citysearch.com/profile/7098653/new_york_ny/yaffa_cafe.html
 

I looked up the term, ‘success’ in Wikipedia today and it said it was, ‘a level of social status, an objective goal.’ On Dictionary.com success was defined as, ‘the attainment of wealth, position, honors and the like.’ Success often seems oriented around achievement and status but to me success means living a life that you love, from the inside out.
Common depictions of success in film and media often include wealth, fame and power. So often in attempt to achieve the ‘American dream,’ we strive to measure our success by our income, houses, cars, clothes and all kinds of outside things. If you achieve all this and it makes you happy then by my definition here, you are successful. I am probably broaching this topic today because many people achieve all these things and then they end up exhausted, irritable and unhappy and they are not enjoying their lives, although it may look terrific from the outside.
There are probably examples of this in every profession. I have known lawyers who work till 10:30 at night plus weekends. This does not occur just in the beginning, it can get worst the more you climb the ladder so there can be no end in sight. I’ve known bankers who work very long hours including weekends where this was so much a part of that culture that their work even had beds there! We all know that doctors have grueling residencies and hours but sometimes even once they become fledgling physicians these career conditions can continue. I am no stranger to hard work and I also realize that in any profession you have to pay your dues and work hard to succeed. I think outside conditions like exorbitant school loans that need to be paid back and living costs in Manhattan exacerbate the pressure to succeed and compete. With the current economy people also feel if they set boundaries in a work environment where everyone is doing the same, they will be out of a job. So there may not be easy solutions but I think it is important to examine the problem and the dichotomy between inner and outer success.
One thing that might prove inspirational is to think about people in your profession who have a great life balance and to find out how they did it. For example, I once saw an OBGYN who worked three days a week from 9-noon and did not accept insurance. Of course she may have circumstances that allowed her to do this, but she found a way in which to make this happen. I have also known of lawyers who created their own practices so they could work a certain of hours per week and control their schedules and others who took a pay cut to take a lawyer role at a 9-5Pm job Monday through Friday. I am not suggesting that everyone could or should do this, but I think it is important to know that there are choices and possibilities.
In order to make changes towards a different life balance we first need to know our financial bottom line or what we need to survive, pay our bills, support the family etc. Sometimes school loans can be adjusted in accordance with income and we can lower our cost by moving somewhere cheaper etc. or making some sacrifices in eating out less etc. Once that bottom line figure is known it is then possible to play with the overall picture a bit and to explore your own values as they relate to your success. Once you know that your basic needs are covered, you can ask yourself: Is it more important for you to purchase outside things and amass a savings or do you covet other things more like alone time, relaxation, travel, time with friends and family? It may be worthwhile to sit down and journal about what you most need and desire in order to love your life from the inside out.
Once you have explored this and you begin to hear your inner voice you can start to see how to honor it. I would not recommend jumping to switch jobs right away. Perhaps you can begin to meet your needs by taking baby steps. For example, if you are making $150,000 but have no time for anything but work, maybe you can hire someone one day a week to do your grocery shopping and laundry and prepare your meals? If you have a lot of personal busy work to delegate, maybe you can hire a virtual assistant a few hours a week. If you have been neglecting yourself, maybe you can begin taking a 45 minute lunch break to get out of the office and you can commit to giving one weekend day to yourself solely for fun and relaxation. Obviously each situation is different so there is no universal prescription but engaging in this process is important. Otherwise you can spend your whole life running after a carrot that somewhere along the way you stopped wanting. It is like that maxim that says, ‘Be careful what you wish for because you might get it!’

To begin this process of enjoying your life by aligning it with your inside values, I will suggest a few resources. You can read my article on using The Life Wheel and use this as an ongoing tool to address the other life areas that you have lost sight of and neglected. I also suggest journaling and reading the book ‘Type Z Guide to Success‘ by Marc Allen that I wrote about here: http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m1d7-5-5-5–5-20-Ways-to-Accomplish-Your-Dreams-in-2010-Part-2 . Sometimes it also helps to get a life coach if you feel you need support in taking risks and seeing the larger picture.
I also want to mention that conversely, many people live extraordinarily quiet and successful lives but they may not always feel that way. Perhaps a woman always wanted marriage and a family and she found a husband that she loves and is now raising two kids whom she loves. According to my definition this is success (and hopefully she feels this way within) but at times society might cause her to question if she is successful due to her seeming lack of status and outside goals and the fact that no one may know all the amazing things she does all day. But should this make her any less successful if she knows? Hopefully this provides an example of how we are the arbiters and saboteurs of our own success and happiness because it is really not about how our lives look to anyone else, it is about how we feel about it. So after you have a life you love, it is up to you to appreciate it!
Just like the best education teaches us to think for ourselves (not just to mimic what everyone else thinks and does), real success is individual because it reflects the values and lifestyle that makes each person happiest.
I hope this causes you to think about where you are in this process of creating a life that you love from the inside out. Please share your thoughts and baby steps on this matter so we can all benefit from your experience and questions. Thanks!
My Best in Love,
Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Us on a dinner date at Cowgirl

Last night we had a dinner date at ‘The Cowgirl’s Hall of Fame.’ It was a cute restaurant with a western flair. The staff there wore cowboy hats and sang ‘Happy Birthday’ with a cowbell. Supposedly the female gang from ‘Sex and the City’ had brunch there in one of the episodes. It is a fun place with unique décor and good food.
For dinner we shared nachos (which were really good for $10.50). My husband ordered the chicken sandwich with fries ($10.95) and I had the cowgirl burger with fries ($13.25). He had a soda ($2) and I got the strawberry lemonade ($3.50) for a grand slam total of $42.70 for two. For a great spot in Manhattan $20 each is not bad.
It was not too noisy so I think this would be a fun spot for a casual date. The only thing is that they are very popular! Definitely make a reservation! We made a reservation for 7:30 but got there at 7 thinking they’d let us in early. There was a long list of people waiting but to their credit they did seat us at our reserved time of 7:30.
This would be a fun place for a group and it is also kid friendly.
The restaurant is also in a cool neighborhood so afterwards you could take your date to get a Magnolia Bakery cupcake (also a few blocks away) or pick a cool spot to grab a drink.
You can check out my slideshow at: http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m3d7-The-Cowgirl-Hall-of-Fame-Date . Let us know if you check it out.

Happy Dating!

My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

CONTACT INFO:
Cowgirl
519 Hudson Street (at West 10th St)
NY, NY 10014
212-633-1133
www.cowgirlnyc.com

Related Links:
http://www.yelp.com/biz/cowgirl-hall-of-fame-new-york  
http://travel.yahoo.com/p-travelguide-11071413R-cowgirl_hall_of_fame-i  
http://citymitten.com/2010/03/02/cowgirl-hall-of-fame/  
http://nymag.com/listings/restaurant/cowgirl/  
http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g60763-d481117-Reviews-Cowgirl-New_York_City_New_York.html  
http://newyork.timeout.com/restaurants/west-village/2016/cowgirl  
 

a dinner date at The Cow Girl Hall of Fame in NYC

I was stumped for a blog idea today (this now being blog #189) so my friend suggested this topic. It was a good one that I had not considered. We cannot order up love from the universe and we often need to spend time waiting for what we want in life. So the best thing that we can do is to make ourselves and our lives as happy as we can in the interim while we continue to take action on our as not yet realized goals, even if there are stretches where we don’t seeing results. Of course this blog idea just applies to those of you who really want to meet someone and are frustrated. For those of you who relish being single, keep on doing what you are doing! So here are 5 ideas about what you can do in the meantime while your dream of manifesting a mate is incubating:
1. TREAT YOURSELF REALLY WELL: There is a whole section in my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ about giving yourself the love you want to attract. This means looking at how you speak to yourself, taking time to honor your needs and interests and passions and doing things you like for yourself. You can take the quiz in my book to see if you have been neglecting your relationship with yourself. The great news is: it’s never too late to start addressing it and this is your most definite life long relationship!

2. IMPROVE YOUR LIFE SATISFACTION IN ALL OTHER LIFE AREAS: I once wrote a blog about how to create a Life Wheel (see the link here: http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2009m3d18-Is-There-a-Correlation-Between-Life-Satisfaction–Success-in-Love ) so that you can assess how happy you are in 8 life areas and make a concrete plan (with baby steps) to improve satisfaction in these areas. This is a win-win because you are using this time to make your life even better so that it brings you greater happiness AND it makes you that much more attractive to a mate when the right person comes along. So check out this assessment tool and see if you are inspired to improve your health, interpersonal relationships, finances etc.

3. DEVELOP A STRONG COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU: We all want to be loved and appreciated and it’s easy to feel lonely during dry spells in our love lives. During this time it is important to remember that we are loveable and that we are important to many people. So look around at the love you do have in your life and celebrate those relationships. Metaphysicians say that what you focus on expands!

4. DO THINGS THAT YOU LOVE & RELISH YOUR INDEPENDENCE: I remember a fellow coach once told me to travel before I had kids. She recalled the difference between having a trip to Paris alone versus going to Paris with her kids when they were in the hotel by 7PM each night. The point is that ‘the grass is always greener’ to some extent. So imagining that you will one day have a partner and family if you want it, you can use this time to travel or take all the risks that you might be less likely to do easily once you have settled down. When you are single you have fewer responsibilities and limitations and your life is very much your own, so in this in-between time, figure out what adventures you can create for yourself and make the most of it!

5. KEEP TAKING ACTION ON WHAT YOU WANT EVEN IN THE DRY TIMES: This is one point that I stress in my book. I know that it gets exhausting and irritating to date at times but I don’t believe in sitting home in your pajamas and waiting for the bell to ring. You would not do that if you wanted a great job, you wanted to lose weight or score a book contract, so why do people do that when it comes to finding a mate? We are human and sometimes you may need to take a short break from focusing on dating but do not give up or just leave it up to the universe if it is something you really want. The key is to take continuous manageable steps to meet other singles, even when results are not popping up for a period of time. Keep your eye on the ball and do your part while you are living and enjoying your life. Sure, I wish that it would ‘just happen to you too’ and maybe it will but I would not want you to count on that if this is something you really want to manifest. So have compassion for yourself and take the results lightly but do continue to take action. There is a section in my book in how to do this.
Spring is a time of new beginnings and rebirth and single or not we are all always in a process of creation. One thing we do not notice about creation is that sometimes it happens beneath the surface first, like roots growing or bears in their hibernation period. So welcome this time of incubation to go inwards, reflect and grow new parts of yourself and your life. You will have more to share when you do meet that special someone!
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. Link is here: http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Inside-Out-Attraction-Matters/dp/1582701946/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233428205&sr=8-1