Unconscious Mating

I recently got a very interesting question from a male reader and I’ve attempted to answer it here. His question represents an interesting dating scenario that might be more common than I think. I would also be interested to see if any male of female readers resonate with his dating context of ‘friends with parenting.’ Here is his question:

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Paulette,

I read your article: Tick-tock goes your biological clock: For whom the bell tolls
http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2009m1d25-Ticktock-goes-your-biological-clock-For-whom-the-bell-tolls 

I am a highly educated, very intelligent and well traveled professional man, almost 40 years old, and I have decided that I would like to have (more) children, before the quality and effectiveness of my sperm declines. I have a little boy, and because I telecommute from a home-office I changed most of his diapers. He is cute and very smart, and I travel with him a lot. I have taught him to count. His mother is an attractive older woman (7 years older than me) that I met at church and that I had dated, but decided not to marry. But, I did not want her to become like so many other good women in that church who aged into their 40s without having children. I could not have that on my conscience. So, I stepped up and decided to have children with her, and she agreed. We planned on having at least two children. Getting her pregnant after 40 without fertility medicine was quite easy for me, and I did my part on the 14th day when needed. But, she had difficulty carrying a baby to term due to her age and physical condition. After 3 miscarriages, she gave birth to our son when she was 44. She is now 48. I have been bitten by the baby bug, and I want to have more smart cute children while I am able to. But, she is unable to, but she understands that I will be having other children.

Deciding to get serious about finding a woman who is ready to have a smart cute child or children, I just subscribed to Match.com but I am having surprising difficulty connecting with those intelligent educated women whom you described as “desperate” and who “are thinking about having kids from that first phone call and the need for things to happen quickly gets conveyed” and who “cares more about having children [than] falling in love”. Actually, the difficulty I have may be due in part to the fact that I have decided it is not necessary to delay conception by “falling in love”, “courtship, engagement, and marriage” before reproduction and parenting. My intention is a variation on the traditional concept of “arranged marriages”, but delays or omits the marriage part entirely.

I have calculated that many people my age have already been married, had children, and gotten divorced but still HAVE CHILDREN, and most have working relationship raising kids as CO-PARENTS and active dating/love lives with each other or with others, SO, I figure I could accept that CO-PARENTING lifestyle, and that that is the stage of life where I can happily BEGIN a relationship with a fertile woman: “Friends with Children” (instead of “Friends with Benefits”). If we happen to be compatible enough that I can happily live intimately with the mother of my children, then that is a bonus, but at my age that is not my first priority. Instead of perky breasts and a shapely figure (the dating criteria of my 20s and 30s), I am more interested in finding an educated intelligent and independent woman who likes children and who is at least pleasant and is Fertile and ready to go, and who will love (our) children. But, even if I find a woman I can raise children with, and fall in love with, and live with, I know how hard it is for many good women to find a father for their unborn children, and I have a lot of empathy for them, and I think that Western Civilization needs them to reproduce, so I would still be open to being a Known Sperm Donor for a good educated woman and letting her have custody. I have already met some of these women looking for “only a sperm donor” on Yahoo Groups, but I really want to find one good woman that wants to let me be a father to my children.

A few on Match.com have written back that I “scared” them “off” because I appear to be more interested in having children soon than in getting to know them and falling in love with them. I guess 40 year old women have big egos too, even the plump short ones who live with cats and have no physical activities. One 40 year old professional woman that I dated last year said she would not try to conceive children until after I married her, and so I wished her well in her future endeavors and congratulated her in advance for her winning her Darwin Award. It is not that I will never marry, it is just that I will definitely not marry a woman BEFORE she proves that she can deliver what I want most at this time, children.

I have never been the kind of man who will deceptively tell a woman what she wants to hear just get “into her pants”. Unlike many men, I have never had to lie to get a woman into bed with me. I just prefer to be honest even though I find that many women really can’t handle honest answers. I have found in conversations with women on Match.com that the idea of a healthy intelligent man being interested in providing sperm first and asking “are we compatible to LIVE TOGETHER happily ever after” questions later freaks them out, “scares”, or offends them. I tend to sour-grapes scoff at these relatively OLD WOMEN as standing with a long line of other educated women in line to win their Darwin Award by repeating the same biologically faulty analysis that caused them to approach 40 without children in the first place. (In college dated and had relationships with many women in their 20s who were always ready (and a few actively trying) to get pregnant by me. Naturally, they already have all the children they need.) Perhaps most of the near-40 and 40+ year old women who subscribe to Match.com are unrealistically looking only for Mr. Right and are deluding themselves that the technology is going to help them compete with 20 and 30 something year old women for the available marriage-minded younger men, or they expect to meet men their age who prefer the whole package: elderly sex goddess, old wife, and old mother of children. Is there somewhere else than Match.com that I should be looking for those women you wrote about, especially those who will love their future smart cute children above all, regardless of whether they are “in love” with the father of their children?

Sincerely,
A Smart Man————————————————————————–

Dear Smart Man,
Wow, this is one I haven’t heard before. I have to say that I needed to read your email twice because the usual dating context that I get is ‘first comes love, then comes marriage, than comes baby in a baby carriage!’ Having said that, I realize that life sometimes throws us curve balls and as individuals we can also choose many types of relationships and lifestyles and I believe that there is a lid for most every pot.
Okay, so in regrouping, I hear some positives in your letter. You are clear and honest and you adore being a father. It sounds like you have been dating to find a mother and then to see if more develops. Just so that you know, that is not in the purview of what I usually do. I normally help singles who want to find an appropriate romantic partner and life mate.
Having said this, I wanted to honor your question with a response and I appreciate you reading my column and writing to me. I also think that loosely defined, ‘dating’ is a process of getting to know someone and seeing if you there is a good match on a variety of levels. I guess this could be applied to ‘dating to find a co-parent’ as well.
So here are my thoughts:
1. SEE IF YOU ARE A MATCH ON THE IMPORTANT LEVELS FIRST:
In dating in general I urge people to really get to know each other and to see if they are compatible on many levels. It is no different in my opinion, if you are co-parenting. Although you may not have to physically live together, you are making a lifetime commitment to that person and whether you are divorced, married or single parents, you need to be on the same page about important things like values, education, emotional support, discipline, finances, spirituality, lifestyle issues etc. You will need to work together, to present a ‘united front’ and to speak to one another for close to a lifetime, as it pertains to your child. So in my opinion, it is not just about meeting an educated, intelligent woman who wants to be a mom. This is an auspicious start but it may require that you undergo a longer process of getting to know her to identify if you have enough in common to successfully undertake this ‘parenting partnership’ with the commitment it deserves.
2. A “FRIENDS WITH PARENTING” WEBSITE COULD BE INVENTED:
You asked me where to meet single women looking to co-parent, besides match.com. I think you raise an important and interesting issue that might even have a larger scope than you intended. I have heard many gay men report that they would love to father a child but they did not currently have the right to adopt by themselves or with a romantic partner. So how would these men also meet single women and get to know them in the hopes of co-parenting? Likewise, there are probably other singles (like yourself) who want to co-parent, without romantic attachment. Where there is necessity, there is invention. Maybe someone should come up with a website to make these introductions to prospective parents so that they could begin a platonic courtship process.

I am sure that many people would disagree this notion, saying that marriage without love is not good for children and that such an idea is degrading the value of the nuclear family that is important to uphold for kids. Irrespective of my personal opinion or any opinion that I would hold as a psychologist, you have come with me with a desire to have more children in this context and my feeling is that there could be a woman or person somewhere whose exact heart’s desire is a perfect match. So by speaking out, the universe might respond by setting up a forum or website to encourage mutual communication and partnerships of this kind in the future.

3- THIS IS ALSO A POLITICAL ISSUE ABOUT WHICH YOU COULD RAISE AWARENESS & ATTRACT LIKE-MINDED PEOPLE : In a follow-up email to me you wrote me that www.match.com just terminated your membership because your correspondence to members violated their terms of use. You reported that you paid for six months and they refused to refund you the five unused months of your membership fee, yet they terminated you as a member completely. You told me that you felt frustrated that men who were looking for a ‘pretty women’ were welcomed but ‘a man looking for the mother of his children was deemed socially unacceptable.’ I think it would be worthwhile to have a conversation with them about this. After all, once confronted eharmony welcomed gays into its membership. It is worth starting a discussion about what is possible on dating websites or where likeminded singles could congregate and be heard. Perhaps you can begin a singles forum about your frustrations and brainstorm with others about your rights, needs and how to gain community support for them.

For now, my immediate thoughts on existing resources are limited in scope (since this is not an area of specialty for me) but perhaps you could try to post on ‘Single Mothers by Choice’ or the many sites for single moms and maybe even some sites for sperm donors (in case a prospective single mom would prefer a known, involved sperm donor as an option). I tend to think that when there is a will there is a way. Perhaps you could even create your own website where you describe who you are, what you are looking for and why and encourage like-minded women to contact you and engage in a dialogue.

It is possible that the right woman would be excited to have a kind, attractive, responsible, loving father to co-parent with, to help out financially and emotionally with their child while she retains custody. Anything else that could evolve romantically in your relationship afterwards would need to be mutually consensual, clearly communicated and could potentially sweeten the pot.

If any readers know of a similar situation or have relevant comments, advice or resources, please share them under comments below.

Meanwhile Smart Man, thanks for sharing and I hope that you find the most appropriate partner to give the love that you most want to you.

My Best in Love,

Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.