Loss: Love that Lasts Forever
My 99 year old grandmother
I am going to my grandmother’s funeral tomorrow and I can’t seem to think about much else. I realize that this topic is a bit self indulgent but I guess I’ve written 168 blogs here in attempt to help others, so maybe I can write this one in an attempt to help myself. Heh- I still have my sense of humor.
I’m not going to go too deeply into who my grandmother was and what she meant to me. I don’t even know that it could be put into words. I will say that she was a 99 year old remarkable woman who knew me and loved me my entire life. She died in her own bed and even cooked for herself until 97 years old. To say that she will be missed daily would be obvious. We visited her every Sunday for at least the past year so when this Sunday is her funeral instead, it will seem particularly weird and final. It seems to me that saying goodbye to someone you love is a process. I also think that we can keep them alive through our memories, stories and through the ways in which we inhabit their values, advice, example and spirit.
I am posting a slideshow here to honor my grandmother’s memory, along with a poem that I just wrote for her.
In attempt to make this relevant, here are 10 ways that we can honor our loved ones who have passed:
1. Write a poem or honor them in a creative work
2. Light a candle at home, synagogue of church
3. Write an article about them
4. Make a collage of their pictures and put it in a place of honor
5. Make a recipe they loved and talk about them while eating it
6. Visit their grave site at least annually and bring flowers or memorabilia
7. Watch a video of them with loved ones
8. Write letters to them in your journal
9. Read old letters and cards from them
10. Dedicate a plaque, tree or bench for them somewhere meaningful
I don’t have any real answers and of course none of these things are as good as having that person here, so be compassionate with yourself. Take the time you need to rest, cry and mourn your loss. Take time alone if you need it. Find places to connect with the person who has passed, or with those memories. Remember that it will probably get easier with time but it will take as long as it takes. There’s a line from a movie I love called, ‘Hideous Kinky’ that says, ‘Tears are for memorial.’ So do not be afraid to show and express your love. It is a connection point and it makes you human.
The Evergreen Root of My Tree
You watered me
Washed and brushed my hair
When I was just a sapling
Helped me straighten and grow
The plants by your picture windows
Always thrived
You’d bathe them in the shower and wash every leaf
You would talk to them
You always bragged that you bought the two dollar ones
Yet they grew into trees
Never the easy way for you
You’d till their soil on your 98 year old knees
The familiarity
Of your soup and cookies
Your big soft chair and stewed peaches and prunes
Calms me now
In the face of your death
You reach out and lift me up somehow
With the memory of your touch
So I don’t dissemble
You are my soil, my roots
My grandmother tree
Without you
I wouldn’t know how to be
Every Sunday was filled with your love
How can I spend time with you now?
When you are above, your energy fills the air
Nowhere and everywhere
Like an acorn
That is flung far from its tree
I struggle to re-root
Without losing my history
I know that you are watching me now
And I want you to like what you see
Maybe your leaves are gone
But you are evergreen to me
****
To see my slideshows of memories of her, go to: http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m1d23-Loss-How-to-Deal-When-Someone-You-Love-Has-Passed
My Best in Love,
Paulette
My 99 year old Grandmother Riva (1910-2010)
Here are some pictures of our memories. She will be greatly missed.