Unconscious Mating

It was Restaurant week and we arranged to have dinner at ’21,’ one of the most elegant and acclaimed restaurants in the NYC. I’m embarrassed to admit that one of my first sources of name recognition derived from a Danielle Steele novel that I read on the beach many years ago. In it this gorgeous rich young heroine dines at ‘21’ in the city, with her new love. So when scrolling through the names of the top restaurants participating in Restaurant Week, this one jumped out at me.
Anyway, I was happy to easily get reservations for a Saturday night there with the Restaurant Week prix fixed menu. I was shocked when they took my credit card number to hold my reservation, asked for my home address and then quizzed me about any upcoming anniversaries or birthdays. You could tell this was a high caliber place where you had to pass muster to even think about eating there and I wondered if I’d have to put up my toddler to keep my reservation. But all was well.
Also, there is a dress code: Jeans and sneakers are not permitted. Jackets are necessary for gentleman, with ties preferred at dinner. So my husband was wearing a suit.
Part of having dinner at ‘21’ is that you get 6 hours of free parking, even with the Restaurant Week prices. So instead of circling around for 30 minutes and trying to park on the street, we pulled right into the Central garage and walked a few paces into the restaurant. This must be how the rich do it. Nice.
We arrived early and waited in these red leather wing chairs and people-watched. There was a fireplace just behind us and the whole place exuded wealth and elegance. As I watched people go to into the ladies room I was amazed at the beauty, class and taste of this clientele. Many looked dressed for a wedding. This is probably a great venue for single women to meet a rich man or single men to meet a gorgeous classy woman. Just a dating tip.
Anyway, we were seated in the famous ‘Bar Room’ and we chose our 3-course picks from the Restaurant Week menu. I had the white asparagus soup, the salmon and the crème brulee. My husband had the soup, pork tenderloin and chocolate mousse cake. Our only non-included items were a diet soda and coffee. It was excellent, as was the service. Our waiter remembered that it was our three year anniversary next weekend and he brought us two complimentary tall flutes of champagne. He put candles in our desserts so that we could each make a wish.
The décor was really interesting and unique. There were toys hanging from the ceiling. In my up-close slideshow pictures, the ceiling might look like a garage but when juxtaposed with the linen table cloths, dark wood and old world library feeling, it all looked like eccentric elegance to me. I later read that the Bar Room is the only place where a guest can enjoy fine dining while contemplating 75 years of American history. Among the things hanging from that ceiling were helmets of famous football legends, rackets of tennis stars and bats from baseball heroes.
I knew my husband liked this place but I could feel him anxiously anticipating the check. He guessed that they would tack on unforeseen charges, but when the bill came, it was only $40 per person, including tax. And when we picked up our car, it was free so we had saved $40 on the parking too! So we were very happy with the food, service, atmosphere, convenience and even the cost. By glancing at their regular menu, a similar meal would easily have run us $150 per person, so their Restaurant Week menu was at least a third of the normal price for a very memorable evening!
I would highly suggest dinner at ‘21’ taking advantage of Restaurant Week which usually extends from January 26-February 7th but I think that their participation might extend until July 31st so you are in luck! And if you have a birthday or anniversary during that time, definitely let them know. They will treat you very well!
‘21’ has earned many awards including the Wine Spectator Grand Award (2003-2009), the Forbes 2009 All Star eateries in NY, the Visitors Choice Award for best fine dining restaurant and best bar and it was Esquire’s Ten Favorite bars in June 2008.
You may also spot some celebrities there. Recent sightings include Whoopi Goldberg, Robert DeNiro, Clive Owen, Michael Jordan, Kate Winslet, Candice Bergen, Mickey Rourke, Sean Penn, Hilary Rodham Clinton, George Clooney, Bruce Willis, Jon Bon Jovi, Ellie Weisel, David Letterman, Renee Zellweiger, Cybill Shepherd and many more.
Every president since FDR has been a guest of ‘21’ with the exception of George W. Bush. JFK dined at ‘21’ on the eve of his inauguration. Alfred Hitchcock was a regular patron. Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall had their first date at ‘21’ at table 30. Once Groucho Marx ordered one bean and sent it back to the kitchen saying that it was undercooked. This probably speaks to their attention to detail, service (and celebrities).
There were also many movies and television shows filmed at ‘21’, including All About Eve (1950’s), Sweet Smell of Success, Written on the Wind, The Opposite Sex, Wall Street, One Fine Day, Manhattan Murder Mystery, The Associate, Metropolitan and of course my favorite, Sex and the City.
Before leaving we wondered upstairs to take a few more pictures. There were some rooms with beautiful paintings of women representing the spirit of ’21.’ There is a second restaurant called ‘Upstairs at 21’ which is supposed to be very romantic but we could not peek in because there was a party going on. You can sense the history and it definitely feels like an estate. It turns out that ‘21’ opened in 1930 as a speakeasy and on December 31st 2009 it has celebrated its 80th birthday! Man, it is old!
So grab a date and give her a great meal while regaling her about the history and celebrity of this fine established venue. She will be impressed and it won’t cost you a fortune.

Check out my slideshow below for the full experience at: http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m1d31-Dinner-at-21-in-NY-A-Step-Up-For-Us.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
CONTACT INFO:
21 Club
21 W. 52nd St (bt. 5th & 6th Ave)
212-582-7200
http://www.21club.com/web/onyc/21_club.jsp  

Related Links:
http://www.21club.com/web/onyc/restwk_wnt10.jsp  (Restaurant Week menu)
http://www.yelp.com/biz/21-club-new-york#hrid:EPwrrNnO4fCWl5UE–K0OQ/src:search/query:21%20restaurant  
http://www.zagat.com/Verticals/PropertyDetails.aspx?VID=8&R=51979  
http://nymag.com/listings/restaurant/21-club02/  

If you were to imagine that you are now dating yourself, how would your relationship be going? I know this is a bizarre analogy (but humor me) and ask yourself these 5 questions about your relationship this morning:
1-How do you speak to yourself?
2-When is the last time that you gave yourself something just as a surprise or to delight yourself?
3-How happy do you make yourself on a consistent basis? Do you prioritize your needs and desires?
4-Do you spend fun quality time getting to know yourself ?
5-Do you find yourself interesting and do you like how you feel, think and look?

Follow my logic …you can’t expect someone else to dig you if you don’t even love yourself.  If you do not treat yourself well nor know who you are, how can you expect another person to? So, let’s look at the above questions in more depth:
1-SELF-TALK: Do you criticize yourself a lot and focus on self-improvement to the exclusion of your strengths? Do you have compassion and enthusiasm for yourself in moments when it is needed? Are you your own biggest cheerleader and one of your best friends? Would you allow a boyfriend to speak to you the way you talk to yourself?  Put your inner dialogue under some scrutiny this week and try to add more kindness to it.
2-SELF-CARE: Do you ever surprise yourself with flowers or a CD that you love? Are you far more generous with others than you are with yourself? Do you ever take yourself to a movie just to make you laugh? Do you get yourself a massage after a particularly stressful month? Think about little ways to take good care of yourself throughout this week and see if you can raise your tolerance threshold for how much love you feel that you deserve.
3-SELF-CONTENTMENT & JOY: Do you stop doing chores and obligations long enough to do the things that you love? Do you run yourself ragged instead of enjoying  your life? Is the only time you eat out or see a play when you are with others? Are you putting our life on hold because otherwise you would have to do some of these things alone? Do you love spending fun and relaxing time alone or do you associate spending time by yourself as being lonely or worse, being ‘a loser?’  Begin to practice being present and in a state of appreciation when you do spend time alone.  If you are comfortable and happy in your own skin then you can be on a date with anyone else.
4- ALONE-TIME: Do you run around seeing everyone else important in your life and never set aside any alone time? Do you take time to journal, scrapbook, write, read, think, walk, explore places and do things that you love, alone? This will make you more independant and will give you a whole world to eventually share with a date or mate.  Also, the relationship that you have with yourself is the only one that you can bet will always be there, like it or not. So you might as well try to like it, right? Don’t run away from your thoughts and feelings. If you feel bored or uncomfortable when you are alone, try to figure out whyand improve on this.
5-SELF-IMAGE: Do you feel that you are attractive, confident and interesting? What you feel about yourself inside efinitely shines through to others. If you do not like how your clothes fit or how the fabrics feel, consider revamping your closet. Get rid of things that do not reflect you on the inside and shop for a few new outfits that do. Consider getting a haircut and some new makeup that makes you feel you look your best. If there are ways that you want to do to develop yourself on the inside, explore them. If you want to read more, join a book club. If you want to cook, take a ooking classr try out some new recipes with a friend. You can grow into the best image of yourself, just don’t do it for someone else.
In my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ I have a middle section on self-esteem and marrying yourself. So if you feel that your life has become a series of shoulds and pleasing others and that you have little connection with your true self anymore, you may want to read this section.
Often radiance comes from loving yourself and treating yourself well.  This is often that very thing that attracts the right person to you. So, start noticing these five aforementioned areas above and begin to be the date you’d like to attract!
This concept is especially important for singles who don’t currently have that other person to regularly compliment them, take them to the movies, buy them flowers, rub their back and make them feel like a priority. And what can happen sometimes, is that those people start defining their worth based upon male attention (or the lack thereof). This is way too precarious.
But this concept is important for us all (whether we are dating seriously or married) because our mates might be busy or grouchy and even when they are great, we still need to create space to develop our relationship with our n feelings, dreams, desires, needs, thoughts, interests etc. in this life.
So I suggest picking a few hours a week (to start) to date yourself. This means that if someone asks you to do something at that time, you ust say, ‘I can’t. I have plans.’ This will be your first act of prioritizing yourself and although it seems small it will be a marked shift in your life and psyche that will flourish in time.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. 

Author Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s also the Director of My Dating School in NYC (http://www.mydatingschool.com ) which offers coaching and classes in transforming dating issues to attract love. She was a monthly speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and writes a blog as the NY Love Examiner at http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2009m11d18-Is-there-a-magic-number-for-love . Dr. Sherman is an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and was a guest on radio shows such as the Curtis Sliwa show on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, True Story, Seventeen and Complete Woman’ magazines, and the NY Times.

Our heart-shaped pizza

We had a really fun date night. I decided to get us a cooking lesson together and I wanted to make our favorite food: pizza. I looked into cooking lessons a bit online and everything I found was at least $100 a person for just one cooking lesson. I‘m sure this is worth it but we are on a budget. So I actually called a pizza place and asked if they could teach us how to make a pizza pie, if I paid them a bit to participate. They were sweet and said that I could watch them make a pie for free but they were not licensed to let us into their kitchen for lessons. Then I found a recommendation for a Chef Robo on yelp and chowhound. He comes to your house and only charges $50 an hour (per couple) to give you a cooking lesson. He was very responsible and fair with us, although I had no recommendations of him and it was the first time that we met him. He does not charge for his travel time and he will even go to your local grocery store to shop with you and he will not charge you for that time either, which seemed great. He said that making pizza would just take an hour and that he’d get the groceries and would bring them with him (my preference due to our baby) and all the groceries were just $12. So I originally picked him based upon price point but his resume said that he attended the NY Restaurant School and he had worked in some top restaurants and done these cooking classes before.
Chef Robo makes all kinds of food so I wonder if he felt uninspired when I told him that I wanted to learn to make pizza. To the contrary, he borrowed a pizza stone to bring with him (so I did not need to buy one yet) and he came with all the ingredients. He left us a whole bunch of leftover dough to freeze, cheese etc so we can make at least 4 more pizza pies later.
To prepare I finally donned the ‘Domestic Diva’ apron that I was given at my bridal shower (and had never yet worn) and my husband put on a gag apron that I had given him as a gift (with a muscle torso on it). We were quite the sight and were ready to cook.
Chef Robo arrived with his girlfriend. We invited her to stay and she took pictures of us while we all cooked. They had actually met each other in a restaurant but she says that now he is so tired from cooking at work that he rarely cooks for her when he comes home. Aww.  I felt bad about that so we had a double date and all four of us shared the pizza afterwards. We had a really great time!
Here is the recipe in case you want to try it at home:
CHEF ROBO’S PIZZA RECIPE:
Ingredients:
8 cups lukewarm water
1 teaspoon dry yeast (buy this in a pizza place from them, it’s different than powdered yeast)
8 cups all purpose flour
Pinch of salt
Fresh mozzarella
Vine ripe tomatoes
Fresh parsley

Also good to have: A pizza stone- which absorbs moisture out of the stone so the crust is crispier. You can buy this online for $20.

Directions:

Preheat your oven to the highest it goes, than drop it down to 350 degrees.
Dissolve the yeast into a bowl of the lukewarm water. Make sure there are no bumps.
Put in 2 cups of flour and a pinch of salt and mix with your hand.
Slowly add the yeast and water mixture so it’s not too sticky. Add flour slowly until it doesn’t really stick to your fingers. Keep your hands covered in flour. Pour some flour on the counter and then flatten dough out into a circle, the size of your pizza stone. Put sauce onto the dough. You can use any store bought sauce or make your own.
Then slice up the tomatoes and mozzarella cheese to place onto the dough. Put a drizzle of olive oil on the pizza stone and place your pizza on it, into the oven at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes.

We made the first pizza thin without crust. If you want crust, you can take egg yolk and water and brush the crust with this mixture to make it shiny.

***

It is delish! I took the initiative to make my pizza pie heart-shaped (a good idea in case you make this for Valentine’s day). We had two pizza pies for dinner and we still have the ingredients for at least 4 more left. Not bad for $65, a great original date night and the ability to make gourmet pizza whenever we want, going forward! So who is coming to dinner at our house?

Chef Robo is available to teach individuals, couples or classes. He teaches a wide variety of cuisine and says that he especially loves doing stir fry’s. He once taught a single guy (who was spending $300 on dates at fancy restaurants  for dinner) to cook fancy gourmet meals for his dates instead. I’m sure the ladies were swooning.

I also think it’s a fun thing for a newly dating couple to do together because it gets you out of your heads and participating in an act of co-creation.

It’s a great date for married folk like us because we could stay home and we did not need a babysitter.

Plus, I’ve been noticing the prixed fixe restaurant charges for valentine’s day.  They are steep.  Maybe you can take a cooking class before then and surprise your date with a home cooked meal.  You will save money in the end, you have learned something and will earn lots of romance points. 

* If you want to hire a chef but are wary about a stranger coming into your house then you can ask for references with education, past customers etc, and check them well or just attend a class at a cooking school or an established location.  I am posting Chef Robo’s link below, as well as some other cooking schools I found.  I’m sure there are many more.  Feel free to post your suggestions under comments.

Check out our slideshow at: http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m1d27-The-Pizza-Making-Date-Thats-Amore below to witness our very yummy fun.
Happy Cooking!

My Best in Love,

Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com  

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Related Links:

http://chefrobo.com/  
http://chefrobo.com/?page_id=3  
http://www.yelp.com/topic/new-york-private-chef-or-cooking-classes-in-nyc  
www.thebrooklynkitchen.com 
www.iceculinary.com
www.thesocialtable.com
www.scrumptiousstreet.com
www.wholefoodsmarket.com/stores/boweryculinary/

The pizza-making date

Restaurant week begins today in Manhattan!  A great way to go to some of the best NYC restaurants for less is to schedule a date night on restaurant week in NYC which is from January 25th to February 7th 2010. There are 260 participating restaurants and you can check them out at: http://www.nycgo.com/restaurantweek  and can really take advantage of some good deals.
Dinners are usually $35 a person for a three-course prix fixed menu and restaurants that offer lunch prix fixed menus can be $25 per person. So check out each restaurant individually to make sure, and make your reservations soon! This is an opportunity to take your date out somewhere extra special for more than half the regular price!
Another fun really cheap date idea for restaurant week is to meet the NY Restaurant Week truck at various locations around the city together. It has soup from 24 of NY city’s BEST restaurants! The soup costs just $6 and it comes with bread. Coke will be handing out free drink samples too. You will also be doing good because $1 of every $6 spent on the food truck will go to the Haiti Relief Fund to aid disaster relief efforts in Haiti. You can check out the truck’s menu at: http://www.nycgo.com/?event=view.article&id=217227&pid=wrw_truck_right_rail#1  and follow it’s whereabouts on twitter at: http://twitter.com/nycgo  . Soup is the perfect warm date food for a winter day, before going ice skating or doing some other fun winter date activity.
So enjoy fine dining for a fraction of the price while you romance your sweetie in the next two weeks. Let us know how it goes and give us feedback on what was great, under comments below. Thanks!
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

Here is a really inexpensive last minute romantic date idea for you if you are in a long-term relationship or married: take a relaxing bubble bath together. You can make it extra special by lighting candles and incense, playing music or making your own bath salts etc. Here are 5 benefits to a bubble bath date:
1. It’s free
2. It’s romantic & relaxing
3. You don’t need a babysitter if you have kids
4. You don’t need a lot of time or planning
5. There aren’t a lot of distractions so you can just focus on being together
I’ve listed some ideas for your bubble bath date below:
I) Some Bubble Bath Accessories to Get:
Candles
Incense
Wine or champagne
Relaxing music-classical or love songs

II)   Homemade Bubble Bath Recipe Ideas: or you can just buy this stuff

1) Milk Bath:
Ingredients:
• 3 cups powdered milk
• 1/4 cup oatmeal
• 1/3 cup almond meal*
• 1 capsule vitamin E (break open into dry ingredients)
• 1/3 cup cornstarch

Directions:
Makes enough for a few baths. Combine ingredients make sure its completely mixed. Store in a container. When you are ready to add it to your bath, scoop the desired amount of the mixture and tie securely in a muslin bag or even a facecloth will do. Tie to the faucet allowing the warm water to run over the bag.
* To make almond meal:
Using a blender, grind up blanched or slivered almonds to a powdered consistency.

2) Make Scented Bath Salts:
Ingredients:
2 Cups Sea Salt, Kosher Salt or Rock Salt
20 Drops Essential Oil
Add the essential oil to the salt. Spread it out on a cookie sheet covered with tin foil or parchment paper. (Don’t use paper towels, because they’ll absorb the scented oil.) When it’s dry, which may take as long as 24 hours or as little as 3, pour it into a pretty glass jar with a cover. If you like colored bath salts add non-toxic food coloring to the salts with the essential oil. Use a half-cup and add to running water.
3) Foaming Vanilla Honey Bath
By National Honey Board

Ingredients:
• 1 cup sweet almond oil, light olive or sesame oil may be substituted
• 1/2 cup honey
• 1/2 cup liquid soap
• 1 Tablespoon vanilla extract
http://www.pioneerthinking.com/nhb_vanillahoneybath.html

Movies with romantic bath scenes:

-About Last Night
-The English Patient
-The Reader
-Sweet November

Related Links:
http://www.pioneerthinking.com/milk.html
If you are currently single and want to pamper yourself, have your own bubble bath date! It will help you relax, wash away your worries and get present.
You can visit your local drugstore and pick up some foot or body lotion too and choose your favorite scent.

In these busy times, relaxation is a must.  So what not make it a date night?
My Best in Love,
Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

My 99 year old grandmother

I am going to my grandmother’s funeral tomorrow and I can’t seem to think about much else. I realize that this topic is a bit self indulgent but I guess I’ve written 168 blogs here in attempt to help others, so maybe I can write this one in an attempt to help myself. Heh- I still have my sense of humor.
I’m not going to go too deeply into who my grandmother was and what she meant to me. I don’t even know that it could be put into words. I will say that she was a 99 year old remarkable woman who knew me and loved me my entire life. She died in her own bed and even cooked for herself until 97 years old. To say that she will be missed daily would be obvious. We visited her every Sunday for at least the past year so when this Sunday is her funeral instead, it will seem particularly weird and final. It seems to me that saying goodbye to someone you love is a process. I also think that we can keep them alive through our memories, stories and through the ways in which we inhabit their values, advice, example and spirit.
I am posting a slideshow here to honor my grandmother’s memory, along with a poem that I just wrote for her.

In attempt to make this relevant, here are 10 ways that we can honor our loved ones who have passed:
1. Write a poem or honor them in a creative work
2. Light a candle at home, synagogue of church
3. Write an article about them
4. Make a collage of their pictures and put it in a place of honor
5. Make a recipe they loved and talk about them while eating it
6. Visit their grave site at least annually and bring flowers or memorabilia
7. Watch a video of them with loved ones
8. Write letters to them in your journal
9. Read old letters and cards from them
10. Dedicate a plaque, tree or bench for them somewhere meaningful

I don’t have any real answers and of course none of these things are as good as having that person here, so be compassionate with yourself. Take the time you need to rest, cry and mourn your loss. Take time alone if you need it. Find places to connect with the person who has passed, or with those memories. Remember that it will probably get easier with time but it will take as long as it takes. There’s a line from a movie I love called, ‘Hideous Kinky’ that says, ‘Tears are for memorial.’ So do not be afraid to show and express your love. It is a connection point and it makes you human.

The Evergreen Root of My Tree

You watered me
Washed and brushed my hair
When I was just a sapling
Helped me straighten and grow

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com
 

My 99 year old Grandmother Riva (1910-2010)

Here are some pictures of our memories. She will be greatly missed.

I started to read Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, ‘Committed’ and the first part explores some of the historical reasons and ways that people marry. It was fascinating to me because she revealed the changes that occurred for women who married, according to different religions and cultures over time.
Anyway, this started me thinking about the reasons people marry now, in our culture. I think we automatically assume that people marry for love only but sometimes it is for other reasons too, or a combination of different needs and desires. So I’ve created a list of 30 reasons that people marry (some better than others for sure). They are in no particular order:

1-THEY LOVE THEIR PARTNER & WANT TO SPEND THEIR LIVES TOGETHER:
2-SAFETY/PROTECTION:
3-FINANCIAL REASONS:
4-TO HAVE CHILDREN:
5-STATUS:
6- TO CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY BY PLAYING THAT ROLE:
7-HEALTH INSURANCE:
8-‘IT WAS TIME’ OR IT WAS THE NEXT STEP IN THAT RELATIONSHIP:
9-LEGAL RECOGNITION:
10-DO NOT WANT TO BE ALONE:
11-FAMILIAL PRESSURE:
12- SOCIAL PRESSURE:
13-TO FIT IN:
14-TO FEEL GROWN UP/SEPARATE FROM THEIR FAMILIES OF ORIGIN:
15-TO HAVE SOMEONE FOR WHOM THEY ARE TOP PRIORITY:
16-TO MAKE EACH OTHER HAPPY:
17-TO HELP EACH OTHER REACH MUTUAL DREAMS & GOALS:
18- SEX:
19-RELIGIOUS REASONS:
20-IMMIGRATION CONCERNS:
21-THE 1000 RIGHTS YOU GET WHEN MARRIED:
22-GIFTS & ATTENTION:
23-TO HAVE A NURSEMAID WHEN YOU’RE SICK:
24-TO BE A BRIDE & HAVE A WEDDING:
25-WITH THE HOPE OF LIVING ‘HAPPILY EVER AFTER’:
26-AS A MEANS OF SELF-GROWTH AND SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT:
27-AS A COMMITMENT OF LOYALTY AND LONGEVITY:
28-AS AN OUTWARD SIGN THAT YOU ARE A SERIOUS COUPLE:
29-FOR TAX REASONS:
30-TO FOLLOW TRADITIONS:

I bet there are other reasons people marry as well but these are one I have heard or found in related articles (see some links below). This list is just intended as a spring board to make you think. Although I am sure that many of you have married (or would only marry) for love, do any of these others reasons play a part in your choice to marry, instead of to cohabitate? This is a good way to check your intentions and weigh your values where marriage is concerned.
At one point in her novel, ‘Committed’ the author considers her own reasons to marry. She says that she doesn’t need a man’s money, status, protection, nor did she want children. So, the only reason she would marry him was for companionship and love. She also takes a few of the above reasons that people marry and explores them in further depth than I did.
When giving it a cursory look, I did not find a lot of good surveys to reveal the realities of why people marry-ie how many marry for love versus money percentage-wise. This would be a good survey or poll for someone to conduct. If any of my readers wish to post some relevant research links here, please do. I did read that 7% of people marry for health insurance and two-thirds would marry for money (specifically 1.5 million dollars). Sometimes marriage is a combination of reasons therein.
Author Elizabeth Gilbert makes the point that marriages based upon love can be more fragile and are statistically more likely to end in divorce. She surmises that the initial feelings of love can shift in time, leaving us vulnerable for divorce and heart break if that is the only foundation upon which a marriage is based. But at this early point in the book, it still seems like she is going to go through with it.
I needed to stop reading her book last week due to a death in our family so I thought I’d just write about this specific topic today. When I do finish her entire book, I will write another blog about her overall message concerning marriage and commitment and I will include my reflections.
In the meantime, I am posting the link to her book below if you’d like to read it. Also, please add any other reasons that you feel people marry these days below, under comments and how you feel about them. I’ve posted some links to relevant articles below too.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com  
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
The link to Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, ‘Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage’ is here: http://www.amazon.com/Committed-Skeptic-Makes-Peace-Marriage/dp/0670021652/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264186990&sr=8-1  

Other Relevant Links:
http://ask.metafilter.com/39884/Why-do-people-get-married  
http://www.unmarried.org/common-law-marriage-fact-sheet.html  
http://www.aolhealth.com/healthy-living/relationships/marry-for-money  
http://www.cbc.ca/news/background/marriage/cbc-inquiry.html  
http://www.yourtango.com/20072778/survey-most-people-would-marry-for-money.html  
http://forums.onewed.com/showthread.php?t=15066  
http://collegecandy.com/2009/07/06/why-you-should-get-married-right-now/  
http://www.yourtango.com/200914936/why-do-men-get-married
 

We all make so much fuss about finding that special someone to spend Valentine’s Day with that when this holiday finally rolls around, we feel disappointed, lonely and gypped if we are still single.  So why don’t we set it up differently this year?  Why don’t you decide to be your own Valentine and to treat yourself with love? 

This may look different to each one of you.  Maybe it means buying yourself that special necklace you’ve been eyeing or cooking yourself an amazing meal while watching your favorite movie.  Or, you might prefer to spend the day with loved ones like your friends or family.  Maybe you even want to throw a party for all your single friends with truffles and champagne or, if you really want to be over the top, take yourself for a weekend get-away to the Florida Keys.  Valentine’s Day can be whatever you make it.  It is your day of love so please, celebrate it!

My book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ talks about creating things on the inside first.  So begin by focusing on self-love and all the beloved people that you already have around you and you will radiate abundance and will probably draw even more love to you.

Here are 7 ideas to get you brainstorming:

1-Create a Spa Day where you sleep in, have a bubble bath and then go get a mani/pedi and a massage.

2- Make homemade Valentines with doilies and construction paper for all the people that you love.

3-Get a makeover, buy yourself a new outfit and go out to your favorite restaurant with a friend.

4-Make a new signature cocktail and share it with your girlfriends

5-Invite a few good friends over to watch three romantic comedies and have cheese& chocolate fondue

6- Buy yourself two dozen roses (in all different colors) and a bottle of your favorite perfume.

7- Make martinis or cosmos and watch the whole ‘Sex in the City’ series with your girlfriends

The point is the love yourself (single or not).  If you know that you deserve the best, why not just give it to yourself?

I wish you the Best in Love and I hope you have a great Valentine’s Day this year!

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.

The entrance to Vatan restaurant in NYC

We wanted to pick a restaurant for dinner that was near the movie that we were seeing on Saturday, so I chose Vatan, an Indian place that got good reviews and seemed like it had a beautiful atmosphere. I failed to notice that it was a Vegetarian restaurant so when we sat down and I was oohing and ahing about the décor there, my husband opened the menu and said, ‘What! They only have vegetables?’ He did not look pleased. The truth is, I’m not a huge vegetable fan myself and I missed the fact that it was a vegetarian restaurant but since we were there, we decided to enjoy it. I am telling you this because we probably weren’t the easiest audience to impress and we did both end up really liking this place.
First of all, the décor there was magnificent. To give you a feel of the place I took a lot of pictures and I am posting them in the slideshow below. There are murals on the walls, intimate little booths, painted tables, spacious ceilings painted with clouds and a pink neon elephant statue above. Everywhere you look there is art and it looks like a lot of care went into creating the place. Even the bathroom door was unique (I’ve included a picture in the slideshow).
The service was excellent and that was an education in itself. An adorable man in a native costume explained the menu to us in detail and told us how to mix each food option and what it was. He was ever helpful and we were made to feel very welcome. We came early so it was not that crowded yet but we had made a reservation and I would recommend doing this, if possible.
The dinner menu was a prix fixed menu for $25 each (which at first sounded like a lot to my husband) but even he acknowledged how much food was included! This is what each of us were served: 8 appetizers, 9 entrees, 3 entrée complements and 2 desert items! You can imagine my surprise when my husband said he was so full that he did not think that he could eat desert. My husband can eat a lot! The prix fixed meal is all you can eat so our sweet waiter kept asking us if we wanted to have more of any item on the menu. My favorite was the mango puree so I had two of those. The food was very interesting and it was like a tasting feast consisting of many little dishes of different foods.
My husband ended up giving it 8 out of 10 stars. I probably would have rated it a 9 out of 10. It is definitely a beautiful original date place and I think it’s a great recession value at $25 a person for so much healthy food!
So, check it out. I am posting some of the many positive reviews on this place below, as well as the picture slideshow at http://www.examiner.com/examiner/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2010m1d19-The-Vegetarian-Date-A-Feast-for-the-Senses. If you do go, just let your date know before (unlike me) that it is vegetarian.
CONTACT INFO:
Vatan Restaurant
409 Third Avenue (bt. 28th & 29th st)
NY, NY 10016
212-689-5666
http://www.vatanny.com/  

My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com  
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books.
Related Links & Reviews:
http://events.nytimes.com/gst/nycguide.html?detail=restaurants&id=1002207995324  
http://www.10best.com/New_York,NY/Restaurants/Indian/44286/Vatan_New_York_NY/  
http://www.yelp.com/biz/vatan-indian-vegetarian-new-york  
http://nymag.com/listings/restaurant/vatan/  
http://www.tripadvisor.co.uk/Restaurant_Review-g60763-d425353-Reviews-Vatan-New_York_City_New_York.html  

Vatan Restaurant in NYC

The other day we saw a movie on Netflix called ‘The Break up Artist.’  It wasn’t the best movie but the main character in it made her living breaking up with people.  When a date could not face their partner directly, they would pay her to do it for them. So out of curiosity, for today’s blog I googled ‘breakup services’ and found a lot of crazy things that people are paying for in order to avoid breaking up face to face.  It reminded me of how in a ‘Sex in the City’ episode a guy broke up with Carrie by post it note and she flipped out.  That is a step more direct than some of these approaches.  Here are a few for you:

PEOPLE WHO BREAK UP FOR YOU:

1-      Au Revoir The Official Breakup Service at http://aurevoirthebreakupservice.com/

2-      Dump Monkey at http://dumpmonkey.com/services.htm

3-      Let’s Breakup at http://letsbreakup.net/service.htm

OR PRODUCTS THAT SEND THE MESSAGE FOR YOU: 

4-      A break up handkerchief at http://thirddrawerdown.com/shop/product/RATBREAK/

5-      Break up cards: http://www.zazzle.com/break_up_in_card-137579854192650151 or http://www.zazzle.com/the_end_card-137606028892785552

THERE ARE EVEN BREAKUP PARTING GIFTS:

http://www.girlfriendgrams.com/ProductInfo.aspx?productid=GRAM104

Are there other A TINY BIT LESS PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WAYS TO BREAKUP?

-1 out of 7 people breakup by text

-4 out of 100 just cut off communication entirely

-1 out of 100 break up via a social networking site

Have you done any of these things?  How would you want to be broken up with?

Some of you might say that it depends on the amount of time that you’ve spent together and the situation.  While this is true, it is also a matter of politeness and closure.  I know that it is hard to face someone and hurt them but sometimes honesty is the best policy.  I have heard from endless singles how bewildering it is for everything to be going seemingly swimmingly for a month and then to just have the guy disappear completely.  Okay, so this could happen with a woman too.  Why not break up yourself and just face the music?

DIRECT BREAK UPS 

So this year you might resolve to have ‘break up dignity’ and to be a class act when it comes to completing your relationships, however long they are.  This could be a step in your own growth and maturity and it might leave your fellow daters feeling better about dating.  After all, 99% of relationships end up in a break up of some kind, since you only marry the one person.  So, we all need to accept that break ups will happen.  The only question now is, how?

Here are my 5 breakup tips: 

1.       Lead with kindness: try to honestly say something positive about the other person and the time that you spent together.  For example, ‘You really are a wonderful person.  You make me laugh and I like talking to you a lot.’ Things are not black and white and there are good things about everyone, so soften the blow and point some out.

2.       Get to the point quickly:  You want to get the bad news over with and so do they.  So say something like, ‘I just don’t feel this is the right long-term fit’ or ‘I don’t think we are going to work out and I am sorry to have to tell you this.’

3.       Remain in place for any questions: I know this part is hard.  Most of the time people will just be sad and say okay to your generalized reason for breaking up.  They probably won’t even feel equipped to hear more and may not want details.  But once in a while they will want to know more about why.  Your job is to be honest without necessarily going into all the details.  For example, you might say, ‘I think the vibe was more friends’ instead of ‘I did not like the way that you kiss.’  Try to be kind but give some opportunity for the other person to understand your side and to have closure.

4.       Thank the other person for the time that you spent together and wish them well.  Even though it did not work out long-term does not mean that you can’t maintain good will and mutual respect for one another, that is, if both people are mature about it.

5.       If this has been a long relationship, make a time to pick up any stuff you may need back and let the other person know that they can contact you if they have further questions or things they need to tell you.

I know this takes courage but if you want to be treated well, it’s good karma to leave others well.  You cannot control their reaction, but you can just do your best to leave them with dignity (pun intended).

Having said this, some dates will just be mad that you’ve rejected them or that you did not tell them what they wanted to hear.  Do not feel guilty about being true to yourself and your needs.  You have every right to move on if it is not right to you.  This is a normal part of the dating process.  As long as you do this honestly, respectfully and with a chance for you to both have closure, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Author Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s also the Director of My Dating School in NYC (http://www.mydatingschool.com) which offers coaching and classes in transforming dating issues to attract love. She was a monthly speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and writes a blog as the NY Love Examiner at http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2009m11d18-Is-there-a-magic-number-for-love.  Dr. Sherman is an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and was a guest on radio shows such as the Curtis Sliwa show on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, True Story, Seventeen and Complete Woman’ magazines, and the NY Times.