After the Affair:
Lately I’ve seen two movies that had similar themes, ‘Did You Hear About the Morgans?’ and ‘It’s Complicated.’ They were both about what happens after one spouse has an affair. It seemed timely that they both came out around all the recent hype about Tiger Woods affair and all his mistresses. I don’t follow that stuff and I would not comment (when asked) on someone that I do not know. I believe the couple deserves their privacy but having said this that reported affair seems to have affected a lot of people because it is constantly brought up in conversation and in the news.
So, it seems better to me to discuss this topic in terms of fictional characters from a movie. In ‘Did You Hear About the Morgans?’ a wife’s husband has a one night stand which he later regrets. He says that his marriage was very stressed when his wife was undergoing fertility treatments. He apologizes to her, regrets his actions and wants to win her back. Through a series of bizarre circumstances we see his wife become able to forgive him and both spouses rekindle their mutual passion and appreciation for each other, and even their trust. It happens with laughter (and some great acting) in Hollywood fashion without (in my opinion) a lot of understanding about what has changed.
In the film, ‘It’s Complicated’ a husband had an affair and later marries his mistress. He then begins to have an affair with his ex wife and the question is raised about whether they are ‘older and wiser’ and they can successfully reunite. In this case, her answer was no. While the good things were still there between them, the wife finds her ex to largely have the same character as before and this is a deal breaker for her.
So these movie characters ultimately handle the aftermath of infidelity in opposite ways: one couple chooses to reunite and to work it through, while another chooses to go their separate ways and to start fresh. In both cases there was some evidence of rage, betrayal, hurt and glimpses of unfinished business and guilt, usually from both parties.
One might wonder why the non-cheating spouse could feel guilty when it was their partner that cheated. Some say that nothing happens in a vacuum and that both people share some responsibility of letting the relationship get to the point where this type of rupture would happen. Others say this is ridiculous because the person who had the affair needs to take full responsibility and had other constructive choices about how to address problems within the marriage.
By the same token, some people advocate working through the marriage commitment no matter what and others say, ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’ and feel that infidelity is a deal breaker because you can’t trust the person again.
As a therapist who sometimes works with couples, I think it depends upon the situation whether a couple can successfully make it through infidelity. When both people really want to make it work and commit to be fully being honest going forward, it may be possible to become strong as a couple again. And, as in the case of the characters in ‘It’s Complicated’ sometimes the same issues that broke up a couple in the first place remain there and will resurface, unless a lot of consistent work is done.
So, I do not come to this table with ready answers to apply as a blanket prescription to infidelity but I will say that if it’s true one third of spouses have cheated at some point, it is a question worth exploring because it can leave great devastation in its wake.
The two aforementioned movies explore this serious issue with a lot of humor and even some romance and fun, perhaps in attempt to make it easier to grapple with. The reality might be oftentimes be more grim and un sexy. Both movies also bring up the question of whether affairs happen when fun leaves the marriage. When the Morgans recapture the fun and romance they happily reunite. In ‘It’s Complicated’ when the exes rekindle their romance and fun the wife discovers it is not enough and it’s her partner’s character, thoughtfulness and stability that win out in the end because ultimately marriage is work and commitment no matter whom it is with.
So, if you see either of these movies, let me know what you think. And feel free to comment on which side of the fence you reside.
I wish you the Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com
Author of ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ published by Atria Books.
Related Links & Reviews:
http://movies.nytimes.com/2009/12/25/movies/25complicated.html?scp=1&sq=It’s%20Complicated&st=cse (reviews for ‘It’s Complicated’)
http://movies.nytimes.com/2009/12/18/movies/18morgans.html (review for ‘Did You Hear About the Morgans?’)
http://www.examiner.com/x-/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2009m3d15-Why-Married-People-Act-Single