Unconscious Mating

Today I saw the remake of the movie, ’Fame’ and I loved it! I attended the High school of the Performing arts in NYC as a vocal major so the film brought back lots of memories for me, as well as a feeling of appreciation for that formative experience. I remembered singing, ‘Shy’ from Once Upon a Mattress for my audition there and having to sing back random melodies and patterns of notes and rhythms. Upon being accepted, a journey began where I learned to know and express myself, to take risks, to learn from my mistakes and to fully share who I am in the world. Channel One recently interviewed me and some other arts students as a preview to this film. To see those interviews, click here.

Our high school was a place where it was cool to be yourself and to share your unique gifts. Most high school students learn to live under the radar in order to survive and they strive to fit in at all costs. I see how as adults, this context carries through into a continued need to please, to do what is expected, to avoid failure and vulnerability and to succeed in life without really being known.

The psychoanalyst Winnicott said that we are most alive when we play. It is in that space that we exercise the freedom of our true selves and this occurs during our acts of creativity. I wish that all young adults were given the confidence, self-esteem and conviction that who they are makes a difference in the world, so it is imperative that they share it.   Our high school also taught us that you need to work hard and to stand by your dreams even in the face of constructive criticism and failure. 

I remember watching the last scene of the movie, Sister Act, where Whoopi Goldberg (who is playing a music teacher) teaches her students to sing, dance and to embody their joy. That scene brings tears to my eyes because in that moment you know that those kids are celebrating their worth.

So, I hope that today’s blog makes you pause to think about who you are, what you love and why you gave it up. Maybe you decided that you weren’t good enough at it, you’re too old, you have no time etc. I have seen the magical transformation of banker who finally makes time to compose songs and play his guitar or a working mom who makes a weekly time slot to paint again. We all need time to reconnect with that deeper part of ourselves and to listen to what we are ready to create and share.

This film reminded me of how it helps to have a creative community who supports and applauds you, rather than tells you that your dreams are unrealistic or juvenile.

So, if you begin to do something you love again, just for the sake of it, feel free to share it with us here. It is never too late!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com  

         Related Links:

http://www.channelone.com/fun/gal_fame-students/7/

http://www.channelone.com/music/fame

http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/450217/Fame-Remake-/overview

http://generationfame.com/

http://jezebel.com/5295704/fame-remake-yay-or-nay

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/wireStory?id=8671192

Remember the movie,‘ Bridget Jones’ when Bridget goes away on a mini break with the wind in her hair and the car top down? Well, that can be you… perhaps even for FREE? Still reading…?

I know that in this recession we are all watching our pennies, so I am always happy to share some thoughts about romantic inexpensive dating ideas. This economy has brought longer hours and more stress to many people so whether you are single and dating someone new, whether you are in a great long-term relationship or whether you are married and want to romance your spouse, this might be an idea for you. Oh-and if you are single and want a weekend away with yourself or a friend, you could partake in this too!

We came across a new opportunity when my husband and I were walking through a fair and entered our names in some sweepstakes. It turned out it that it was for a timeshare and they offered us 2 mini break vouchers if we agreed to hear their 90 minute timeshare presentation. The vouchers included 2 nights in the Berkshires and 3 nights in Orlando, FL. We were also given a $200 gift card (that could cover our gas/food). Although I was a bit skeptical, we felt that we had little to lose and we really wanted a weekend away, so we agreed to try it.

There are two ways to go about this, once you are chosen:  First, you can drive up to the Berkshires for your presentation (for us it was a 3 hour drive) and listen to their presentation and then drive back home. If you do this, you can then schedule your stay ahead of time so you can have a whole uninterrupted weekend some other time (and you do not need to drag your date to the presentation). Secondly, you can just make one trip up there, go to the presentation and then have your time there before coming back, all in one trip. We opted to do the first.

There was a bit of organization and jumping through hoops involved. When you schedule your time share talk appointment, you have to give them a $75 deposit.   They later give this back to you. After the talk, when you then book your weekend, you give them a deposit again, which they also give back to you. They let you know in a letter when you should arrive and when you can pick up your deposits. It is good to read the fine print and keep track of the details or conditions. We were able to do this, no problem, so pretty much once we got there this weekend, we could relax and enjoy!

Here is another tip: Be open to listening to their time share presentation but if you are not interested in buying now, just say NO afterwards. Let’s practice now. “Thank you but NO.” “I appreciate your time, but no. Now is not a good time for this.” Got the idea? Obviously these people are good sales so you may feel some pressure to buy but you only agreed to hear them out so the choice is yours. We know some people who have time shares and they love them. We heard some good points during the presentation but we decided not to make a purchase like that now. So maybe you will go and get BOTH a time share AND a mini break out of it, but if you go, be clear that it is your choice to buy one or not and stand by what is best for you.

For the purposes of this blog I will describe our mini break experience below but I am sure that there are other time share opportunities in other locations. You can try to google them for reports before going in attempt to make sure that they are not scams.

Anyway, we drove up to the Berkshires early this Saturday and it was a gorgeous drive. The leaves were just changing color and the sun was out. Even with a few stops, it took us around 3 hours to arrive. Our voucher was for the Patriot Suites hotel in Pittsfield, MA.   I was a bit concerned because it was a two star hotel and I had read mixed reviews on trip advisor but my husband and I were pleasantly surprised. Our rooms were large and clean. The suite had had a nice bedroom, a large living room with a sofa bed, two televisions, a DVD player and a kitchen with a fridge and microwave. The bathrooms were large and clean. A free breakfast was offered every morning which included danish, bagels, juice, coffee, tea and cereal. The lobby was beautiful and they had a nice indoor pool and a few common rooms with fireplaces (that are put on seasonally) and would be cozy spots to read and relax. It was quiet while we were there.  Right across the hotel was a large supermarket and Blockbuster so if you wanted to save money on going out to eat or on going to the movies you can rent videos and watch them in your room and eat a few meals in too. If you want to see a real movie, the Berkshire Mall is close by and it shows a number of films.  If you really want to be thrifty, bring some DVDs that you already own! Anyway, the hotel manager told me that in season (including now) the nightly room rate for our room was $295. So it made us happy to know we saved $590 in accommodations alone!

The Berkshires seemed like a relaxing place to be (for us) because there was only so much to do. So we alternated resting with sightseeing a bit. We visited to town of Lee, MA and explored the main street there. We also went to Great Barrington, MA and Stockbridge, MA. We visited the Norman Rockwell Museum (my husband’s favorite painter), the Berkshire Botanical garden, the Guthrie Center (a church founded by Arlo Guthrie that holds weekly hootenanies). We had dinner out for the two nights that we were there at nice restaurants and had Subway for lunch the other two days (there was a Subway in all 3 towns and we love it!) We also bought some groceries/snacks for our room. One night we watched some videos and the other night we went out to hear a fiddler at The Red Lion Inn, which has free entertainment with no cover charge. So we each had a drink and we sang for a bit with the locals.

I think that was mainly it—some great scenery, music, art, good fare, beautiful lodging, history and fall foliage. We only spent the $200 free gift card and part of the $75 deposit gift card that they returned to us. This included our gas, food and everything mentioned! So, for us, it was worth it.

This is not a marketing ploy (they don’t know that I am writing this) and I am well aware that someone else could have the same experience that I did and might hate it. So, choose for yourself if you try something like this and decide if it is worth it, even if it does not go as smoothly. I am just the type of person that if I do something fun and I think that it might benefit others, I like to share it.

Well, we just got home now and it’s already back to work for me! But before I go, I want to thank grammy Kathy for taking such wonderful care of our son this weekend so we could have this little get away. We love you!

And if any of you do take a romantic ‘mini-break get way,’ feel free to share your thoughts and suggestions below on romantic inexpensive ideas.  If you want to try the same place we did, call the # below.  They may connect you with their marketing department and they may need to qualify you by income for you to participate.  Who knows–with these places maybe the deals change too? I do not know their process but it’s worth a try. 

We still have our Orlando, FL voucher so hopefully we’ll have as good a time there!

Whatever you do, do it with love.

Bon voyage.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

 www.mydatingschool.com

                                 Contact info for Vacation Village in the Berkshires:

Marketing #:  1-800-285-4015 (Grafton marketing?)

Reservations: 413-236-5885

                                Related Links:

Normal Rockwell Museum: www.nrm.org

The Guthrie Center: www.guthriecenter.org

Patriot Suites Hotel:  1-800-434-2521 or 413-997-3300

The Red Lion Inn: www.redlioninn.com

Lee, MA: http://www.leechamber.org/index.php?nav_id=2

Stockbridge, MA: http://www.stockbridgechamber.org/what_to_do.html

Great Barrington, MA: http://www.discoverourtown.com/MA/Great%20Barrington/Attractions-2914.html

Berkshires Mall:  http://www.theberkshiremall.com/content.asp?ContentId=523&inside_mall=Yes

Berkshire Botanical Garden:  http://www.berkshirebotanical.org/

                         Author Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times.

Today I got out from my regular work day two hours early so I raced across town to see a movie. Only a mother with a toddler knows what a rare event it is to see an entire movie in the theater …but I digress. I thought that ‘Julia & Julia’ would be a light, fun pick. It was, but it also led me to consider a few relationship questions.

Although my title is a joke, the two main characters in this film (Julia Child and young Julia) do learn to love themselves through the process of cooking. The original saying goes, ‘the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,’ yet this film highlights how both Julia(s) gain self esteem and a sense of direction, identity, peace and commitment from taking on their love of cooking. 

So one of the relationship questions that this film raised for me was: Is it true that your relationship will thrive if you do? Of course we have all heard this said and we’d like to believe that it is true. What is it that many people suggest? ‘Don’t work on your relationship. Make yourself happy and your relationship will automatically improve.’ What do you think about this idea–yeah or nay?

For the ‘Yays’: I tend to think that there is some truth to this notion because when you are fulfilled and happy you feel less needy and can bring more positive energy to the relationship that you’re in. We see this towards the end of the film when both women succeed and make their partners proud. Their bounty and victories are shared as a couple. One would think that in a healthy relationship you’d want your partner (man or woman) to be successful and achieve their dreams.

For the Nay sayers: The film also shows glimpses of the dark side of this—how each woman’s success temporarily rocks their relationships, even though both have supportive husbands who recognize their talents. Julia Child seems to always make her husband feel special and he in turn, seems supportive of her cooking. With them, we get a glimpse of turbulence when Julia falls in love with Paris and begins to partner with some women to write a cookbook there. This is her dream and her ideal place to create it. Her husband asks if she is going to be willing to leave Paris and follow him wherever and whenever his job may take him. She does not put up any objection, yet you can see her sadness as she is packing up to move. 

Her parallel character of young Julia is married and she decides to write a blog for a year and cook Julia Child’s dishes. At first her husband is supportive of this idea but after awhile he calls her self-absorbed, he feels neglected and he even leaves the house!   We see this Julia wonder whether she has neglected her marriage in order to finally make herself happy. Her mother even calls her to put this bug in her ear.   She begins to weigh whether her personal success could come at the cost of a successful marriage and whether it’s worth that risk. Luckily, couples seem to pull through with love, compromise, mutual support and acknowledgement so both our Julia(s) can enjoy their maximum success. We see these couples practicing the art of having enough attention to self and each other. 

At the end, both women share their own culinary version of the American dream. Julia Child (who in the film learned to cook on a whim to keep from being bored) becomes the author of a fantastic cook book that launches her culinary career and brings in income for them as a couple. Our young Julia is interviewed about her cooking blog in the NY Times which then leads to a book contract and a movie deal.

I know that these things can happen when you leap to follow your dream. Sometimes just by taking an action in the right direction, bigger things find you and you need to adapt to some turbulence in the process. 

These women did not settle into their comfortable lives with their good marriages nor did they choose to place all their passion upon their relationship. They found something of their own to fulfill them from within and as a result, generations of women have benefitted from their example (and women and men are eating better too).

This feminist question, about whether a successful happy woman has a better relationship, seems as pertinent now, as it did in Julia Child’s time.

So perhaps the way to a man’s heart is actually through first connecting to your own. The love that these women gained for themselves and their passion was more bounty to share with others. In the end, we see both Julia(s) sharing their creations with friends and thanking their mates without whom they could not have had their success. We might wonder if men make a point of doing this same thing after completing a huge career goal and whether their success would rock the relationship boat or would automatically stabilize it.

With old sayings like, ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach’ and ‘a woman should be pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen,’  the Julia(s) of this world rock that boat, reminding us of the incredible nurturance, power, independence and strength that comes from following your inner voice in the kitchen. They are models who dare to fully share themselves in the world, in the name of love.

                               Related Links:

http://movies.nytimes.com/2009/08/07/movies/07julie.html

http://movies.nytimes.com/movie/446756/Julie-Julia/overview

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/movies/02barn.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

http://www.fandango.com/julie26julia_118015/movieoverview

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/JuliaChild/

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/food/three-things-julie-powell-taught-me-506003/

            Author Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times.