‘More to Love’: Is there more to love than appearances?
Thursday, July 30th, 2009I missed the premiere of ‘More to Love’ on Tuesday night but I was able to play catch up and I watched it on the Fox site so if you missed it you can catch it there too!
I can’t say that I loved the first episode probably because the format was the same as ‘The Bachelor’ where 20 women are pitted against each other in order to vie for one man! To me that is a gross format that creates competition, pressure and an abnormal desperation to catch the attention of the one man. It was particularly upsetting in a context where some of the women seemed particularly vulnerable. One woman had never been on a date and she was hoping to be noticed. For others, they felt that for the first time they would be judged on who they were, not just on their appearance. This meant that if they were rejected, they felt that it was based upon who they were as a person. I did not feel that this premise was true because we were not shown Luke (the Bachelor) having time to really speak with each of these women. We basically saw him chatting them up, while flirting and trying to get a kiss. Sure, chemistry is important but if the whole point is that he is choosing based upon ‘their inside qualities’ it might have been nice to hear some questions about who these women were and what they wanted in life. I suppose it’s possible that Luke had untelevised time to get to know them but for the purpose of the show’s message, the focus on kissing and the women showing off their dresses while flirting seems the very same premise as the other Bachelor shows, except this time with overweight women. Is this a dating show or a seduction show? For me this was disappointing and a missed opportunity.
Currently with new shows like Ruby and More to Love, there was an opportunity to bring consciousness to different forms of beauty and to gain insight into the lives, gifts and desires of overweight women. These shows could present a chance to understand their wish to be loved, accepted and valued for who they are. I’ve only seen one episode of Ruby to date but we are given a chance to know her–her gifts, struggles, dreams etc. I’d like to get to know some of the women on ‘More to Love,’ not just in relation to their seduction skills and the attention grabbing ways that they can attract this Luke. I’d like for the audience and Luke to get to know them from the inside out so we can all see the type of partner they can be and why they have more to love. I know it’s true and yet we aren’t granted that chance.
I doubt that this will happen but I plan to watch at least a few more episodes to see if the show’s original premise can be delivered.
I have had the opportunity to work with some overweight women who wanted to date, find love and be seen as more than just their appearance. These woman are often talented, radiant, kind, funny, smart etc and (just like the women on the show) attractive. Part of what needs to happen is that they need to recognize that they are more than their appearance. Sometimes it is hard to know that if they constantly feel judged by society, particularly in love. They need to know that they are many spokes on one wheel: a daughter, worker, singer, writer, friend, volunteer, have long hair, are tall, overweight etc. The fact that they are overweight might be a fact that they need to contend with but it is not the total definition of who they are! So the first step is knowing that and loving themselves while they look for a partner who will do the same.
I’m not saying that it’s not tough. Sure, men are visual and sometimes in this society they will not give an overweight woman a chance. But, some will and it only takes one person you love to create a match. If we look around, many overweight women are happily married and coupled off so it is possible, right? Perhaps as a society we are slowly learning how to “Date from the Inside Out’ and fall in love with who a person is so we can spend our lives around those soul qualities. Sure, attraction is important too but so is intelligence, humor, kindness, honesty etc. and maybe we are realizing that we look to a certain outer package to the exclusion of a potential partner’s character and it may be time to tip the balance a bit.
Anyway, for the women on the show who expressed sadness that they may never find love, here is my message to them: I would encourage them not to give up. If they have not begun the process to find love, they can start by loving, appreciating and valuing themselves. This inner radiance is very attractive and it can be felt, often without words or seduction techniques.
I would also suggest taking action and putting yourself out there, which I know is hard, particularly if you do experience even more rejection from being overweight. I have a chapter in my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ about how to handle rejection in dating. Having said this, it only takes one person you like and who likes you, so you need to keep putting yourself out there. Luke will only have one match and there may be someone even better for you so get online or go to singles events or ask everyone you know for fix-ups. I applaud you for taking a risk for love and for knowing you are worth it and I hope that being eliminated on this show won’t be reason enough to retreat into your shell for another 10 years. Think of this as a first step on a journey that many of us take to find love. Remember to love yourself above all else and to keep at it until you attract someone who will do the same.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
Bio:
Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times.
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