I missed the premiere of ‘More to Love’ on Tuesday night but I was able to play catch up and I watched it on the Fox site so if you missed it you can catch it there too!

I can’t say that I loved the first episode probably because the format was the same as ‘The Bachelor’ where 20 women are pitted against each other in order to vie for one man! To me that is a gross format that creates competition, pressure and an abnormal desperation to catch the attention of the one man.   It was particularly upsetting in a context where some of the women seemed particularly vulnerable. One woman had never been on a date and she was hoping to be noticed. For others, they felt that for the first time they would be judged on who they were, not just on their appearance. This meant that if they were rejected, they felt that it was based upon who they were as a person. I did not feel that this premise was true because we were not shown Luke (the Bachelor) having time to really speak with each of these women. We basically saw him chatting them up, while flirting and trying to get a kiss. Sure, chemistry is important but if the whole point is that he is choosing based upon ‘their inside qualities’ it might have been nice to hear some questions about who these women were and what they wanted in life. I suppose it’s possible that Luke had untelevised time to get to know them but for the purpose of the show’s message, the focus on kissing and the women showing off their dresses while flirting seems the very same premise as the other Bachelor shows, except this time with overweight women. Is this a dating show or a seduction show?  For me this was disappointing and a missed opportunity.

Currently with new shows like Ruby and More to Love, there was an opportunity to bring consciousness to different forms of beauty and to gain insight into the lives, gifts and desires of overweight women. These shows could present a chance to understand their wish to be loved, accepted and valued for who they are. I’ve only seen one episode of Ruby to date but we are given a chance to know her–her gifts, struggles, dreams etc. I’d like to get to know some of the women on ‘More to Love,’ not just in relation to their seduction skills and the attention grabbing ways that they can attract this Luke. I’d like for the audience and Luke to get to know them from the inside out so we can all see the type of partner they can be and why they have more to love. I know it’s true and yet we aren’t granted that chance.

I doubt that this will happen but I plan to watch at least a few more episodes to see if the show’s original premise can be delivered.

I have had the opportunity to work with some overweight women who wanted to date, find love and be seen as more than just their appearance. These woman are often talented, radiant, kind, funny, smart etc and (just like the women on the show) attractive. Part of what needs to happen is that they need to recognize that they are more than their appearance. Sometimes it is hard to know that if they constantly feel judged by society, particularly in love. They need to know that they are many spokes on one wheel: a daughter, worker, singer, writer, friend, volunteer, have long hair, are tall, overweight etc. The fact that they are overweight might be a fact that they need to contend with but it is not the total definition of who they are! So the first step is knowing that and loving themselves while they look for a partner who will do the same.

I’m not saying that it’s not tough. Sure, men are visual and sometimes in this society they will not give an overweight woman a chance. But, some will and it only takes one person you love to create a match. If we look around, many overweight women are happily married and coupled off so it is possible, right?   Perhaps as a society we are slowly learning how to “Date from the Inside Out’ and fall in love with who a person is so we can spend our lives around those soul qualities. Sure, attraction is important too but so is intelligence, humor, kindness, honesty etc. and maybe we are realizing that we look to a certain outer package to the exclusion of a potential partner’s character and it may be time to tip the balance a bit.

Anyway, for the women on the show who expressed sadness that they may never find love, here is my message to them: I would encourage them not to give up. If they have not begun the process to find love, they can start by loving, appreciating and valuing themselves. This inner radiance is very attractive and it can be felt, often without words or seduction techniques.

I would also suggest taking action and putting yourself out there, which I know is hard, particularly if you do experience even more rejection from being overweight. I have a chapter in my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ about how to handle rejection in dating. Having said this, it only takes one person you like and who likes you, so you need to keep putting yourself out there. Luke will only have one match and there may be someone even better for you so get online or go to singles events or ask everyone you know for fix-ups. I applaud you for taking a risk for love and for knowing you are worth it and I hope that being eliminated on this show won’t be reason enough to retreat into your shell for another 10 years. Think of this as a first step on a journey that many of us take to find love. Remember to love yourself above all else and to keep at it until you attract someone who will do the same.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

 www.mydatingschool.com

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times.

                     Related Links:

http://www.fox.com/fod/play.php?sh=moretolove

 http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Inside-Out-Attraction-Matters/dp/1582701946/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233428205&sr=8-1

http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/ruby/index.jsp

I just read a Daily News article suggesting that online daters have ‘cognitive overload’ from having too many choices and therefore they are making worse choices. Before we come to any overall conclusions (about online dating yeah or nay) let’s weigh both sides of the matter. Here are a few considerations:
                          5 plusses of online dating are:

-There is a large pool of singles
-you can search on your own schedule, in your pajamas—convenience
-you can learn certain facts about your dates before deciding to meet
-You can often generate multiple dates with less effort
-You can write and learn about them for awhile before meeting

                 5 challenges of online dating are:

-it can be like shopping and it gets overwhelming
-it may feel cold and unromantic
-people may not be who they say they are
-it can feel like a lot of work to search and manage responses
-if the above study is right, a large sample of singles can lead to poor choices.

               Considerations & Tips concerning online dating:

So, generally having options is a good thing. It helps you see ‘the forest from the trees,’ it helps you practice dating, learn what you like and don’t like in the opposite sex and it keeps you busy so you do not jump into a relationship with someone you just met too quickly (without really knowing that person over time). So, if we imagine that this study is correct and that the down side of having too many options is that it leads to you making worst choices, what should you do?
You can develop an approach to managing your time, energy, search criteria and interviewing style. Here are a few tips:

-Limit and structure your time: take 20 minutes a few times a week to search or respond to emails from online dates. This way you are taking consistent action but it won’t overwhelm the rest of your life.
-Use moderation: Have enough but not too many dates. Try to actively date no more than 3 dates at a time. It can be good to designate one weekend date night and two nights a week. You still need time for yourself, friends and family.
-Weed out dates by sticking to your deal breakers. These are those things that you would NOT be happy with in a relationship. Examples could include: a date who smokes, a date who doesn’t want children, a religious date of a different religion etc. To figure out your own deal breakers read my book.
-Have a method of screening dates so you do not just go on chemistry or feelings alone. In my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out,’ (part 3: Conscious Dating) I help you be clear about the essential qualities you need in a mate. I also provide a series of dating checklists so that you can observe who your date is in the world (in a number of categories) instead of just basing your judgments on how he is when he’s romancing you. Also, my book helps you make sure that you have reasonable expectations. It will help you be clear about what you do need in a mate while helping you to make sure your list is not over the top.
-Give things time to unfold before you choose a boyfriend: I often suggest that you date someone for a few months before coming exclusive. Keep things in ‘courtship mode’ and become friends first. Get to know who that person is over time and do not just jump in and close down other options out of comfort or because you really want a relationship. It needs to be worth it to close down your other options, so you need to base that choice on whether this date is a good fit for you. I think one of the reasons that people choose badly in online dating is they are just so tired of dating that they choose a boyfriend too quickly and then try to make it work. Pace yourself and remember that things take time and you do need to know someone in ‘real time’ not just online.
My opinion is that online dating is a resource that gives you more options. It is up to you to use it to your advantage so it does not overwhelm your life and so you can still make well thought through choices.
Let me know what you think. Thanks.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times.

Related Links:
http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/health/2009/07/17/2009-07-17_too_much_of_a_good_thing_study_finds_online_daters_choose_wrong_people_due_to_co.html
http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Inside-Out-Attraction-Matters/dp/1582701946/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233428205&sr=8-1

I was able to catch the premiere of the show ‘Dating in the Dark’ on Monday night. For those of you who haven’t heard of it, it’s a new television show on ABC on Monday night at 10PM (EST). The premise is that 3 single men and 3 single women looking for love spend time getting to know each other in a pitch black room. After they share time together, they are revealed in the light (one by one without seeing the other person’s reaction) and then they can choose whether or not to continue dating in the real world.

Although it is challenging to be soulful on popular television, I felt that at least this show aimed to have something to say about our limiting beliefs in dating, our prejudgments, our tendency to judge a book by its’ cover and even the supposed science of pheromones (being attracted to someone due to their smell).

It was interesting to see moments of intimacy, sharing and romance and to notice how that shifted when a light was put on the situation. In a way, everyone’s fears came to light when a choice had to be made about taking things into our surface world. Common fears about this transition were, ‘Is the physical mismatch so great that I can’t even give this person one date out there?’ One woman (Lani) thought that her potential match was good looking but she was temporarily disappointed because he looked like ‘the kind of guy you could take home to mom’ instead of the ‘bad boys’ she liked to date. To her credit, she gave him at least one date in the light and continued to get to know him ‘from the inside out.’ It seemed as though her preconceived notions relaxed a bit and they continued their attraction.

Conversely, another couple had a terrific connection in the dark but when the woman (Christina) saw her man in the light, she decided not to meet him. Let me say that (in my opinion) no one featured on this episode was really bad looking. Some might have been perceived as more attractive than others and people were often characterized by each other as ‘certain types’ like, ‘hippie,’ ‘nice guy’ ‘dashing’ etc. In fact, even the really good looks of one guy (Allister) were a deterrent to his potential match (Melanie). She said that normally she would not feel comfortable dating someone who was so good looking. So it wasn’t as simple as needing to be physically attracted to someone (because there was chemistry in the dark). It wasn’t as simple as thinking the other person needed to be physically attractive (because many of them thought their potential match was attractive). Some of it was about our tendency to persist with dating ‘the same type’ of mate that we always have and our attachment to what that dynamic means. It almost harkens back to the days of ‘the Breakfast Club!’

A good example of this dating tendency can be illustrated using the character Charlotte from the ‘Sex in the City’ television series. First Charlotte finally meets Tray, who fit her ‘ideal type’ to a tee. He was gorgeous, had great breeding, was from a well known family, was a doctor etc. They married and she found that although the outside package matched her ideal, inside the relationship her needs went unmet and he was emotionally unavailable and empty. Later Charlotte meets Harry, her divorce lawyer, who is opposite her imagined type. Despite her preconceived notions she is attracted to him and tries hard to fight it because she can’t admit her attraction in the light of day. Harry is overweight, hairy, a different religion, short, uncouth etc. and he is worried about what people might think. But as she learns to trust herself and let the relationship unfold, time reveals that there is a golden emotional fit there and that she is genuinely attracted to Harry, inside and out. Once she trusts what she needs from the inside out, everything falls into place and they are very happy life partners. Just to clarify: Charlotte did not settle nor did she shelve ‘being attracted’ to her mate. She just put aside her limited beliefs long enough to test drive a new model and found out that he really worked for and with her. Are you willing to do the same? ‘Dating in the Dark’ begs the question that my book ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ explores in greater depth.

The premise of my book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ is that we date the same type of person again and again because it is familiar and this is how our unconscious works. We have an automatic type we make a bee line for and it is not always healthy for us, nor is it based upon the true characteristics of the date before us. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. My book explains ‘unconscious dating’ and it guides you to acknowledge your own dating psychology, your limiting beliefs about the opposite sex and love and it helps you to pinpoint your ‘type’ so that you are free to move beyond it and to be conscious about your emotional needs from the inside out going forward. This way you are aware of the person’s true gifts and you aren’t overly attached to the package.

In its own way, ‘Dating in the Dark’ gives us a taste of combating our types and limiting beliefs. I wish there would be some debriefing time after the experiment on each episode where I could interview the daters about their preconceived notions and limiting beliefs and see what they learned from shifting them (or what they missed out on by remaining entrenched in their past and refusing to date that person). This would add a new learning dimension to the show and would enable the audience to begin to practice this for themselves. My goal is for dating to become a spiritual, transformative journey and I see a bit of potential in the show, if the producers continue as they are going. Although I am offering my services to co-host with them, in the event that this does not happen (heh:), take the opportunity to purchase my book to get my two cents and begin to start ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ with new consciousness, clarity and depth going forward.

Oh, and as an aside, there have been actual ‘Dating in the Dark’ events in restaurants, even before this show aired. I’ve posted some links. Could this be a new dating trend?

So, if you watch the show, write and let me know what you think.

My Best in Love,
Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

          Related Links:
http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Inside-Out-Attraction-Matters/dp/1582701946/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233428205&sr=8-1
http://abc.go.com/primetime/datinginthedark/index?pn=index
http://www.articlesbase.com/dating-articles/dating-in-the-dark-443572.html (dating idea)
http://www.urbansocial.com/0010_dinner_in_the_dark.asp (dating idea)
http://www.seacoastonline.com/articles/20090721-ENTERTAIN-90721013
http://realitytvmagazine.sheknows.com/blog/2009/07/21/dating-in-the-dark-series-premiere/
http://key-jed.com/dating-in-the-dark-series-premiere-on-abc-review/

This week we were able to see two free concerts: Creedence Clearwater Revisited and The Siren Music Festival (which is today!) There are a great number of free concerts in parks in all the boroughs. As a continuation of my ‘Cheap Coney Island date ‘series, here’s a link to the Seaside Summer concert list which includes Donna Summer, Daryl Hall & John Oats, Blondie and Pat Benatar, Gladys Knight and the O’Jays etc. all for FREE!
For those of you who like other types of music, you can see the philharmonic or opera in the park. There are jazz, reggae and R&B offerings and I even saw a listing for Judy Collins on Governors Island!
During the recession, an outdoor concert date is an inexpensive romantic alternative. You can bring a romantic picnic and blanket. Come early, so you can eat, talk and relax. You’ll be in a pretty park setting. Then you can slow dance barefoot together during the ballads. If it’s a really great date, you can buy her a t-shirt or CD to remember it by.
Below are links to many free summer concerts in different boroughs. Just a reminder: Today is the Siren Music Festival in Coney Island (sponsored by The Village Voice). I wanted to post this blog now as a reminder, in case you still want to go!  It’s today from 1-9PM.  Schedule of bands and directions are on their website.
Enjoy, and happy dating!
My Best in Love & Music,

Paulette
www.mydatingschool.com

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist specializing in relationships.   She is the author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ by Atria Books.  She has a private practice in NY and runs a dating school.  She was a regular speaker at the Learning Annex and has been an expert on the CBS Early show, AM Northwest and the Curtis Sliwa show.  She is quoted as an expert in Redbook, Readers Digest, More, Seventeen, Glamour, Complete Woman and the NY Times.
     Related Links:
http://www.brooklynconcerts.com/seaside.html
http://www.freeconcertsnyc.com/
http://siren.villagevoice.com/siren/
http://www.bam.org/view.aspx?pid=283 (R&B)
http://www.metoperafamily.org/metopera/news/features/detail.aspx?id=8590 (opera)
http://nyphil.org/attend/summer/index.cfm?page=parks (philharmonic)
http://www.cityparksfoundation.org/index1.aspx?BD=20747 (jazz)
http://www.briconline.org/celebrate/schedule.asp
http://www.folksontheisland.com/ (Judy Collins)

My husband, son and I recently went to the Boom-a-Ring Circus in Coney Island and I thought it would be a fun cheap summer date idea for you. Ringling is in Coney through September. You can get circus tickets for just $10 per person and it’s a cute, original idea.  

Here’s a date suggestion:   Pick a beautiful sunny day, pack a romantic picnic and head to Coney Island by subway. You can sunbathe and eat and ride the Wonder Wheel together. If you want, you can also go to Keyspan Park on the boardwalk to see a Cyclones Game. You can get tickets at only $8 a person. The circus starts at 2PM or 7PM most weekend days but check the schedule.  You can see the show and then explore some more.    You can go to the circus on Friday night at 7PM and then go to Beer Island (an outdoor beer place with sand and tables on the boardwalk) to watch the free Friday night fireworks off the boardwalk. They have these every Friday July through September (unless it rains) at around 9:30 PM. It’s very romantic! You can also check out my other blog on dating ideas in Coney Island or check out this link for other ideas. It will be a date you’ll both remember!   My guess is you can pull it all off (with food, rides, sunbathing and the circus for under $20 a person)—and that is better than most dates in Manhattan! Everything is walkable, the beach, aquarium, circus, fireworks and amusement park.

A circus date will make you feel daring. This lady went from being in a cage with 5 white tigers, to stripping down to a sparkly pink bathing suit and doing acrobatics on the very high rings. It makes you feel that with a little courage, anything is possible…even dating.

My son had his first circus experience, and he highly recommends it.

So if you do go, let us know what you think.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS! 

                                        Related Links:

http://www.ringling.com/TourSchedule.aspx?action=details&engagementId=101066

http://www.examiner.com/x-2473-NY-Love-Examiner~y2009m2d1-City-Secrets-Coney-Islanda-romantic-undiscovered-treasure

http://www.coneyisland.com/

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/brooklyn/2009/06/18/2009-06-18_circus.html

http://gothamist.com/2009/06/19/clowning_around_ringing_bros_circus.php

http://www.prweb.com/releases/2009/04/prweb2369844.htm

In today’s blog I just want to wish everyone a terrific 4^th of July! Ironically, as a married woman with a child I’ve been too busy to post regularly so I am taking a moment now to write a quick blog. A few singles have expressed to me that holidays like the 4^th of July can be tough because they aren’t dating anyone special. I understand this and recognize that the fireworks can be romantic and the media also hypes up these holidays so it can be hard not to have expectations around them in our mind sometimes. I agree that it’s great to have a loved one to share special days with and hopefully when the time is right you will have this (if you want it).  But I always say there are at least two sides to any story so today I was hoping to make you smile by suggesting that Independence Day can be a great day to acknowledge some fun things about being single. Here are 10 to start you off. I figured my readers could continue by adding their own. So whether you are young or old, male or female, single, committed or married, I hope you have a great night tonight and celebrate where you are today.

10 Fun Reasons to Celebrate Your Singlehood & Independence:

1.        You can do whatever you want, whenever you want

2.       You compromise less

3.       You have less responsibilities

4.       You can meet lots of people before settling down

5.       You can spend more time with yourself doing hobbies, reading and traveling

6.       You never have to ask someone to pick up their socks or put the toilet seat down

7.       You can decorate the way you want and choose all your own videos/movies

8.       You can sprawl out and hog the whole bed

9.       You can take time to really learn about yourself before choosing a mate

10.   You have your whole love life ahead of you and can have many new adventures!

Hope this made you smile. Feel free to add more perks about being single below. Happy 4^th!

My Best in Love,

Paulette Kouffman Sherman

www.mydatingschool.com