Do you vibrate the past or present on your date?
My husband and I rent a lot of Netflix movies these days and a friend of mine recommended that I see ‘The Goodbye Girl’ starring Marsha Mason. We were discussing how past rejection can affect singles going forward in dating. The film was about a woman who had been left multiple times by men to whom she’d given her heart. In the film our heroine appeared talented, smart and attractive and she just couldn’t understand why this was ‘her fate’ when it came to men and love. This pattern made her draw several limiting conclusions; conclusions that limited her future love life:
Men will constantly leave her
She was unlucky in love
She could not trust what her romantic partner told her
She would always be alone
Do you remember times when your past painful experiences have stopped you from taking risks in the present?
This film was interesting because we saw our heroines love pattern from the perspective of others in her life. Her perspective date/new love partner was a nice honest guy who truly cared for her. At one point he blew up at her and said that he was tired of paying for all the things that these lousy guys did to her! From the start his intentions were good but she would not trust him or let him in. She kept playing out the past stories of betrayal in her head and she immediately saw this new man as the next love villain, despite his consistently positive actions towards her.
Our heroine’s daughter (who in the film is only 12 years old) signals to her mom that this guy is different. When the mom says that he is ‘not her type’ the daughter says that maybe that is a good thing. Here we consider that maybe our heroine is not merely a victim of ‘men in general’ but that she is perhaps picking men based upon an unconscious ‘type’ and that the ‘type’ of man she normally chooses will treat her badly and will subsequently leave her. This is an important realization because it is something that our heroine can control if she is able to choose a different ‘type’ of man this time. If she looked at the behavior of her past partners versus the treatment by her current love interest, she would see that there is a noticeable difference. Her current love interest is always there when she needs him, he is caring towards her and her daughter when they are upset and he is always honest with her.
My book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ has a section on unconscious dating that will help you identify your ‘love type’ and learn about the ways that it sabotages you. It will also help you get clear on the type of mate you’d like to choose instead and how to recognize him.
Anyway, it takes our heroine awhile to see her love type but she begins to come around and despite past fears she takes a risk in the present and begins to have a different kind of relationship. She is very happy and they begin to enjoy the present and even plan for their future a bit by decorating their apartment etc. Then he gets a job offer that will require him to be away for four months and she freaks out. Her past wounds are infected and she immediately thinks, ‘This is it! Now he is going to leave me!’ She regresses back into her old story rather than believing him when he says that it is just a job and he’ll be back.
I don’t want to give away the end of the movie. I am just using the plot here to elucidate a common pattern that happens while dating. It is almost like people are unconsciously dating their exes instead of getting to know someone new in the present. If this is something you do, in order to protect yourself, hopefully this article will help you consider the negative consequences of living in the past. Maybe if you see this movie, you will remember that in any moment you can take a risk to vibrate something new about love and to write a new romantic story. This includes changing what you feel about love and sometimes who you are picking as a mate. Try to give everyone a chance and base your conclusions on their actions in the present. This will afford you the best chance at success.
There was one last thing in the film that I thought was interesting, because it smacked of our heroine taking some responsibility. When she thinks that her new love interest is going to leave her permanently for this job, instead of cursing and falling to pieces like she usually does, she tells him that she wishes him well and for the first time she knows she will be okay and says that she is in a better place than ever before. Of course she is upset that they are parting but she implies that she will be okay and will take care of herself. This reminds me of a poem that I’d like to share, for those Goodbye Girls (or guys) who are so afraid of being rejected or left in love, again. It is written by an anonymous poet:
Comes The Dawn
After awhile you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn’t mean security
And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
And presents aren’t promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns
If you get too much
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
And you learn that you really can endure…
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and learn
With every goodbye you learn
***
To me this message does not mean that you should become super independent and miss out on intimacy. It doesn’t mean that you stop trusting others. It means that goodbyes do happen in life and nothing is a guarantee. So once you can accept this as a possible part of love, you can move on without paralyzing fear and know that you will create a great life for yourself no matter what. And who knows-maybe it will last forever and you will share it with that same someone? You can only do your part and keep open your resilient heart.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
Bio:
Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times.
ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net. I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN. THANKS!
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