Unconscious Mating

My husband and I rent a lot of Netflix movies these days and a friend of mine recommended that I see ‘The Goodbye Girl’ starring Marsha Mason. We were discussing how past rejection can affect singles going forward in dating. The film was about a woman who had been left multiple times by men to whom she’d given her heart. In the film our heroine appeared talented, smart and attractive and she just couldn’t understand why this was ‘her fate’ when it came to men and love. This pattern made her draw several limiting conclusions; conclusions that limited her future love life:

Men will constantly leave her

She was unlucky in love

She could not trust what her romantic partner told her

She would always be alone

Do you remember times when your past painful experiences have stopped you from taking risks in the present? 

This film was interesting because we saw our heroines love pattern from the perspective of others in her life. Her perspective date/new love partner was a nice honest guy who truly cared for her. At one point he blew up at her and said that he was tired of paying for all the things that these lousy guys did to her! From the start his intentions were good but she would not trust him or let him in. She kept playing out the past stories of betrayal in her head and she immediately saw this new man as the next love villain, despite his consistently positive actions towards her.

Our heroine’s daughter (who in the film is only 12 years old) signals to her mom that this guy is different. When the mom says that he is ‘not her type’ the daughter says that maybe that is a good thing. Here we consider that maybe our heroine is not merely a victim of ‘men in general’ but that she is perhaps picking men based upon an unconscious ‘type’ and that the ‘type’ of man she normally chooses will treat her badly and will subsequently leave her. This is an important realization because it is something that our heroine can control if she is able to choose a different ‘type’ of man this time. If she looked at the behavior of her past partners versus the treatment by her current love interest, she would see that there is a noticeable difference. Her current love interest is always there when she needs him, he is caring towards her and her daughter when they are upset and he is always honest with her.

My book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ has a section on unconscious dating that will help you identify your ‘love type’ and learn about the ways that it sabotages you. It will also help you get clear on the type of mate you’d like to choose instead and how to recognize him.

Anyway, it takes our heroine awhile to see her love type but she begins to come around and despite past fears she takes a risk in the present and begins to have a different kind of relationship. She is very happy and they begin to enjoy the present and even plan for their future a bit by decorating their apartment etc. Then he gets a job offer that will require him to be away for four months and she freaks out. Her past wounds are infected and she immediately thinks, ‘This is it! Now he is going to leave me!’ She regresses back into her old story rather than believing him when he says that it is just a job and he’ll be back.

I don’t want to give away the end of the movie. I am just using the plot here to elucidate a common pattern that happens while dating. It is almost like people are unconsciously dating their exes instead of getting to know someone new in the present. If this is something you do, in order to protect yourself, hopefully this article will help you consider the negative consequences of living in the past. Maybe if you see this movie, you will remember that in any moment you can take a risk to vibrate something new about love and to write a new romantic story. This includes changing what you feel about love and sometimes who you are picking as a mate. Try to give everyone a chance and base your conclusions on their actions in the present. This will afford you the best chance at success.

There was one last thing in the film that I thought was interesting, because it smacked of our heroine taking some responsibility. When she thinks that her new love interest is going to leave her permanently for this job, instead of cursing and falling to pieces like she usually does, she tells him that she wishes him well and for the first time she knows she will be okay and says that she is in a better place than ever before. Of course she is upset that they are parting but she implies that she will be okay and will take care of herself. This reminds me of a poem that I’d like to share, for those Goodbye Girls (or guys) who are so afraid of being rejected or left in love, again. It is written by an anonymous poet:

Comes The Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn’t mean security

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns

If you get too much

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure…

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and learn

With every goodbye you learn

***

To me this message does not mean that you should become super independent and miss out on intimacy. It doesn’t mean that you stop trusting others.   It means that goodbyes do happen in life and nothing is a guarantee. So once you can accept this as a possible part of love, you can move on without paralyzing fear and know that you will create a great life for yourself no matter what. And who knows-maybe it will last forever and you will share it with that same someone? You can only do your part and keep open your resilient heart.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

 ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS! 

Related Links:

http://www.netflix.com/Movie/The_Goodbye_Girl/553711?lnkce=seRtLn&trkid=222336&lnkctr=srchrd-sr&strkid=1795517189_0_0

This morning I was emailed a link to a Tango article about a new book called, ‘Smart Girl’s Marry Money’ by Elizabeth Ford and Daniella Drake. Of course the title itself is provocative. I have not read the book but I did read the interview by the authors and it made me consider some of the issues and the premise discussed, particularly in light of the recent recession. Here are my thoughts about the following issues:

1.       IS FINANCIAL SECURITY MORE LASTING THAN LOVE?

One thing that was brought up was that in the past, women married for money, status and security (not love) and there was less divorce. A change in zeitgeist occurred and now we believe that marriage is a promise that we will make each other happy and we will remain in love for a lifetime. The authors’ argument might be that money is more stable than feelings. There is usually some truth in everything, so I can understand the wish to commit your life to something stable and lasting, like a dollar bill. The idea that money will be there for you long after your husband would (emotionally) is a sad notion. A slightly more melancholy thought is that nothing in life is completely stable and lasts forever (I think Tolstoy said it first!) So we can only commit to do our part with things and then let the chips fall as they may (with finances, the universe, our partner etc). No book can reliably promise you a happy ending. Your spouse could become a gambler or lose his money in many ways and then what would you have? The idea of love is that it forebears all situations, ideally and is therefore stronger then outside forces. 

2.       THERE ARE ALWAYS HARD THINGS TO DEAL WITH IN MARRIAGE: IT’S WHICH ONES YOU CHOOSE:

Sure, it’s hard to have financial difficulties in marriage when you have children and responsibilities. This can cause arguments and stress and may require you to make sacrifices and grow stronger in areas of budgeting, saving and producing income. It is work. However, isn’t there also a price or cost for living in a loveless marriage? I have heard reports of loneliness, emptiness and wives feeling that they sold themselves out. This is a hard way to live. If you start out your marriage not loving the other person (and make a deal with yourself that is okay) then you need to be at peace with the lack of love down the road. Whereas money is something that can ostensibly shift through education and life experience, it may be harder to create love in a marriage 10 years later (when that was not the original expectation).

3.       THE REAL SECURITY IS ALWAYS IN US:

Part of the reason that marriages fail is that we do not trust our own choice of mate and we break the commitment that we made. The usual vows include loving our mate, being loyal to them, caring for them while sick etc. When we feel less in love, when they hurt us or we feel neglected, we want out. We imagine that we’ll be happier alone. We think we made the wrong choice of mate.  We doubt ourselves and them and just want to escape. At those times, both people can remember their vows and try to redouble their efforts. Similarly, if you marry for money instead and the family fortune suddenly becomes lost, wouldn’t that provoke a divorce?  Just look at all those relationships with ibankers that suddenly went bust when there was a round of recession layoffs. In the end we can’t control what our partners’ do we can only do our best to honor the commitment we made and to trust the values that led us to do it.

4.       WHATS GOOD FOR THE GANDER ALSO WORKS FOR THE GOOSE:

One of the author’s Elizabeth Ford, said in her interview, ‘…but the fact is in our culture women as they age are devalued, and that’s a crying shame.’ While this is true, isn’t it equally a shame to devalue men just because they are not rich? I can see how knowingly marrying a man who is a gambler or is very irresponsible with money might not be a great move, but does marrying a man who makes a basic living and is a wonderful person stupid? I’d probably have to read the book to see how these authors would answer this question but so far, I don’t agree. 

I think ideally every person would be able to care for themselves and would come together in love, to share a life, for richer or poorer and all that. There will be obstacles-whether it be financial, health, emotional, sexual etc and hopefully both partners will work together to form lasting stability and security over time.

5.       BEING REALISTIC AND CONSCIOUS IS IMPORTANT:

One thing I do agree with is that ‘falling in love’ is not always a lasting feeling so it is hard to start a marriage based upon the notion that you will always feel that happy. You may at times hate your partner or want to take a break. You may doubt your choice and feel lonely and sad for periods of time. This may even be more ‘the norm’ in a life time marriage then you’d think (based upon television etc).   I once heard that an analyst and marital therapist was asked if she ever thought about divorce in her own marriage and she said, ‘Divorce no, but murder, many times, yes.’ So maybe in the olden days arranged marriages worked because they were more like a job and transient things like passion and feelings were not factored in. Expectations were kept low and so was intimacy. This does not mean that love is not important in marriage. Love actually includes things like anger, disappointment, exploring your mutual shadow parts, arguing, struggling etc. This premise probably would not make for a bestselling book but I think it’s true.

My dating book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ is based upon the notion of marrying for real love but it also helps the reader to date consciously. This means that instead of marrying just based upon passion and chemistry, it helps the reader define her true essentials for a mate, search out and consider possible red flags and points of conflict and to discern with both heart and head if that partnership would work before committing to it. 

For some, a lot of money is an essential and to acknowledge this would guide them to choose a rich mate. For others attention, love and mutual mission and ideals are more important than their bank roll. The important point is to know yourself well so that you can define your own vision of security and intelligent mate selection.

The aforementioned dating book appears to be selling very well, so I would invite those of you who agree with their premise to add your comments as well. Given the recession, money in relationships is more on the radar than before so singles are evaluating how important it is for them in mate selection and why.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

 Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

 ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS! 

           Related Links:

http://www.yourtango.com/200921645/why-its-better-marry-money

http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Girls-Marry-Money-Dream/product-reviews/0762435178/ref=cm_cr_dp_synop?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending#REY8XUH8VSW7C