The Power of Projection in Our Relationship: For Better or Worse
Yesterday I saw a video that that made me think. It was called ‘The Moses Code’ and in it, certain concepts were expounded upon by familiar spiritual and inspirational teachers. Two of the teachers were Neale Donald Walsch and Debbie Ford. I‘ve always liked their writings so I’m going to focus today on a few of their ideas from the film and explore how they affect our romantic relationships.
In the film Neale Donald Walsch makes a statement like, ‘Most people think that we should magnetize something to us but really we magnetize things through us.’ His phrase (approximated here) really resonated. I realized this concept was largely what my book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ was about. Many dating coaches talk about outside things that we can do to ‘attract the One.’ This includes changing our behavior, appearance, learning cues about the opposite sex and how to please them etc. Few dating books that I know of (besides mine) guide the reader within to explore their Higher Self and integrate their unconscious stuff so that they can experience greater wholeness/oneness and then magnetize a soul mate through this inner journey. This process causes them to fall in love with themselves and their lives before attracting their best mate.
Neale also shares his personal experience with a phrase that is oft repeated in the film, ‘I am that, I am.’ This phrase is Moses’ code and with it he creates miracles. Neale Donald Walsch explains how one of his teachers told him to go throughout the day and say, ‘I am that, I am’ to everything that he saw. This applied to the grass, homeless person, whino, bus driver etc. It sounded like a very powerful exercise. The idea is that if ‘God is everything,’ so are we.
Debbie Ford discusses how she used to hide and try to change her negative traits until she realized that there is a gift in each one of them. Over time she learned to embrace her negative traits as part of her wholeness. She reminds us that we all have a sick part, a murderous impulse etc. so instead of projecting it onto others and judging them, we should learn to understand and embrace these aspects of ourselves.
This powerful concept of ‘being everything’ could be very useful in our romantic relationships because they are ripe with projections. In therapy we hear one partner say, ‘He is so emotionally unavailable and just wants to do his own thing’ while he says of her, ‘She wants to be so close! Why can’t she just leave me alone!’ Each partner judges the other instead of learning from their opposite. If each one looked for the ‘sense’ in the Other and said to themselves, ‘I am that, I am,’ what might transpire?
The woman might notice how she has not nurtured her need for private time, to develop herself and her own life path. The man might notice his buried need for intimacy and his desire for greater Oneness.
There are endless examples of this in couples. Here is another. A wife is responsible, ambitious and organized. Her husband is creative, mellow and spontaneous. These differences were the initial attraction. She loved how he made her feel present and mellow and he admired her efficiency and leadership. Of course years later, these were the very things they resented. He felt she should stop being controlling and serious and should loosen up (like him). She felt he should grow up and stop being a child (and be more like her)! Each pointed the finger in blame. But what if she could access her need to let go and be fun and spontaneous like her husband and he could understand that it would benefit him to integrate his responsible, organized, goal-setting side? Their further Oneness would take their relationship to a higher state of awareness and acceptance, of their union and themselves.
So, for this week, when someone (especially your mate or date) irritates you, remind yourself, ‘I am that, I am’ and notice what you can learn from it. Please report in with your observations and how it affects your relationship with yourself and your partner.
Also, I’d recommend getting the video The Moses Code to hear more about this concept.
My Best in Love,
Paulette
Bio:
Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times.
ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net. I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN. THANKS!
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