Unconscious Mating

This morning I heard an internet dating show by a dating expert who advised a male caller to conform to dating norms instead of being true to himself. This single man did not like to have sex on the first few dates . He was attractive and would meet women in a bar who wanted to immediately sleep with him.  He preferred to get to know them a bit and liked to wait about a month to sleep with someone new. He said this was in line with his values and that he also feared STD’s and would like to ‘let the boat float, until we find land.’ Personally, I thought this man sounded funny, articulate, honest and sensitive.

The dating expert (Evan Marc Katz) told him that women like men who are masculine, confident and a leader.   The caller replied that is ‘just an image’ but Evan said that when a guy doesn’t build attraction and act like a leader, that the woman may assume that he is gay and afraid. He advised people to ask themselves this question when they are outside the mainstream, ‘Am I willing to go outside the mainstream and fit with others to get better results?’ or, they will continue to alienate others. Evan suggested that this caller compromise and find a middle ground (like fooling around sexually right away). The caller countered Evan saying that he was advising him to become like everyone else. Evan replied that he should get past his ‘17 year old way of thinking’ or he’ll continue to have this problem.

Now, I don’t know Evan Marc Katz and he may be a nice person and a good coach but this particular topic got my goat so I decided that it’s a good one to explore on this rainy Monday morning. Evan’s latter advice at worst sounded shaming and at best was results-oriented without looking deeper at the authentic process of finding your life mate. This is what my book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ specifically covers. It helps singles be true to themselves and commit to who they are so that they can find a mate who appreciates it. 

Most coaches may feel that their advice should be results oriented, so if this man wants to be more successful in dating, he should understand what woman want and do that—in a nutshell, he should, ‘do what works.’ In theory this premise makes sense, as does the philosophy that life isn’t black and white so it is good to read social cues in relationships and compromise.

Having said this, my own philosophy is that in this world we are all different. Many of us pander to fit in, be ‘normal’ and please others in attempt to ‘look good’ and be successful. In the end we each determine for ourselves what success really means and whether it’s more important than being ourselves and pleasing ourselves. I tend to think that when we are self-accepting and authentic, the right partner will stick around. 

It is true that some women will judge Dan (the single caller) for stalling women in their quest to bed him. Dan can communicate his intention to wait a bit, letting them know that this is how he feels and why and assuring them that he likes them and wants to be intimate in time. This serves the function of remaining true to himself and his values while letting women know that he is attracted to them and is romantically interested.

As women (or prospective dates) it’s important that we let go of our preconceived ideas of how things ‘should go’ and seek to understand our date. Dan is an example of this. He seems like he could be a wonderful partner and some woman might not give him a chance because they presume that he is gay or asexual. So as a date it’s important to observe your stereotypes and judgments and give people a chance to reveal who they are over time. This is the underlying premise of my book because I often see that singles fall in love with ‘the idea of a person or a relationship’ instead of consciously getting to know another person and themselves! This is a missed opportunity in spiritual growth!

So I encourage Dan (and others like him) to continue to honor himself and his values and to share them on dates. There may be some woman out there who are thrilled that he is honest, not a player and that he values intimacy on many levels.

I hope this article prompts you to consider where you may have sold out or compromised your ‘true self’ in order to achieve ‘dating success’ and whether in the end, this will really serve you.

I welcome your examples and comments.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

 IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

      Related Links:

http://cyberdatingexpert.com/ask-the-cyber-dating-expert-radio-show-with-evan-marc-katz

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/