Unconscious Mating

Okay, so as a psychologist specializing in dating I’ve heard of speed dating, multiple singles events and trips, singles cruises and vacations but this is a new one…the airlines have begun playing match maker too! There is never a dull moment in dating. So, how does this work?

I’ve pasted a few press releases below (under related links) that describe how South West Airlines and Air New Zealand have begun doing speed dating midflight and passengers have met and married. In the words of South West airlines each couple gets six minutes to find out if there’s a “LUV” connection, and when time’s up they will hear … “DING! You’re now Free to Move About the Country,” and then it’s on to the next date. Southwest Airlines provides peanuts while guests sip on “LUV” potions. A Match Sheet card given to participants at the door allows speed-daters to discreetly make notes throughout the evening and sign onto the Cupid.com Web site to confidentially log their selections-simply deciding “Let’s Talk” or “No Thanks.”Southwest Airlines is known as the LUV Airline, comprising not only a Company of planes but, more importantly, a Company of hearts.

Air New Zealand launched a matchmaking flight on October 13, 2009 that will depart from Los Angeles, bound for Auckland, on a specially-themed flight, ahead of the dual Hemisphere singles’ party of the year - the Great Matchmaking Ball at Auckland’s SKYCITY Convention Centre. Before take-off, Matchmaking Flight passengers will enjoy a pre-flight gate party at LAX and then themed food, drink, entertainment and games throughout the flight. Waiting for them in New Zealand will be a fabulous, singles-only party and accommodation at the five-star SKYCITY Grand Hotel in Auckland.  Tickets will go on sale soon, to the Great Matchmaking Ball to be held on Friday, October 15, at SKYCITY. Matchmaking Flight ticket holders and partygoers are now invited to upload an online dating profile at www.thematchmakingflight.com, a social environment created for American and New Zealand singles to start connecting before the flight.

So, if you want to say you met your transcontinental soul mate in the heavens, this may be for you. I think the airlines need to throw in some major incentives like a large amount of frequent flier mileage per couple so they can continue dating and a free honeymoon flight if they marry! Also, if they need a psychologist to give a transcontinental flight workshop on dating, I’ve always wanted to go see the koala bears!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

http://www.mydatingschool.com

                  Related Links:

http://phx.corporate-ir.net/phoenix.zhtml?c=92562&p=irol-newsArticle_Print&ID=1107470&highlight=

http://www.etravelblackboard.us/showarticle.asp?id=88965

I just finished reading a great book called, ‘The Circle of Simplicity’ by Cecile Andrews. Her philosophy inspired me so I am applying a few of the categories that she mentions in her book to my specialty: our relationships. I would highly suggest getting her book about making life simple and getting to the essence of things (particularly in these times)!

Dating is often associated with wining and dining (or otherwise impressing) a partner. The truth is that when we are focused on the flashy outer things (whether it’s his car or the fancy restaurant, we are less observant of the inner things like how we feel with our date, their character, interests, intelligence and soulful qualities. It is in stillness and simplicity that these aspects stand out. My book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ explores how to learn about your date (and yourself) on a soul level. But today I am going to suggest some ways to date (if married, your spouse; if single, your date) without breaking the bank, needing to plan a lot or impress. Many of these ideas would be tried after you’ve known someone for awhile.

Here are 7 ideas to encourage simplicity in relationships:

1.       Sleep: Take a nap together in the park on a blanket or (if you know the person well) in bed. ½ of adults do not sleep enough and this affects our emotional and physical health, as well as our concentration. You will be doing each other a service- it will be relaxing and intimate, plus, it’s free!

2.       Be in Nature: Take a hike together, go camping and meet up early to see the sun rise or take a walk with a big umbrella in the rain.

3.       Community:  Get to know the people you each care about and you’ll quadruple your fun and learning. Often singles are afraid to introduce their dates to friends too soon but if it’s been a month and they don’t mind, why not? They are going to meet them anyway! You can have a potluck so it’s not expensive and this takes care of community, food and entertainment.

4.       Cook together: So much money is wasted eating out and it’s not as healthy or fun.   Shopping and cooking together is intimate.  You create something together and learn what the other likes.

5.       Read together or go to a free lecture: Nothing stimulates a relationship like growing and inspiring one another. Get some books at the library and read together on the beach or at a park. You can even read the same book and discuss it. You’ll learn a lot about each other like this, and it’s free! You can also share a free concert or lecture and share reactions.

6.       Declutter: A great way to simplify is to free up space and donate things you no longer need or use. Put on some music and go through your books or photos together. You can also go through clothes. Create a pile of things to toss, give away or donate. Your space will feel great and you will both feel generous giving to someone who can use these things. You will also learn something new about your partner by hearing stories about the pictures or objects.

7.       Stop Doing Automatic Time Fillers: Notice if you watch television together a lot and try to do something new like taking a walk or going biking. If you shop a lot for clothes or other items together, try to lessen this (Americans average 6 hours of shopping a week) and do something else that is more spiritual and less materialistic. Can you go through what you do have to find something that will serve that need or desire?

I hope you enjoy these ideas. If you try one with your partner, let me know how it went.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

Related Links

http://www.amazon.com/Circle-Simplicity-Return-Good-Life/dp/0060928727/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242259984&sr=1-1

With Mother’s Day around the bend, another type of Love to examine would be a mother’s love. So today’s blog is a tribute to the mothers we are, the mothers that we have in our lives (biological or otherwise) and the mother’s we are becoming. I hope you will acknowledge this incredible energy this Sunday and will continue to bring it to your relationships. We experience it in many ways including Mother Earth (nature), Mother Teresa (spiritual healers in our midst) and auxiliary mother figures in our lives (like teachers, close friends, pet owners etc). Maternal energy is not limited to the mother-child dyad.

Here are some of the things (just a list of 25) that mother’s do to protect, support and nurture us:

-communicate telepathically

-get up at all hours of the night

-comfort us whenever we’re sad

-listen

-advise us

-teach us about relationships

-nurse us when we’re sick

-Put our needs first many times

-comfort us when we’re scared

-know all of our strengths and weaknesses

-witness our whole history

-feed us & clothe us (when we’re young)

-teach us values and knowledge

-build our self esteem

-build our skill base and facilitate our talents

-get us special help when we need it

-make us laugh and play with us

-believe in us even when we are down

-remember and celebrate every holiday

-gave birth to us!

-nurture our creativity and imagination

-teach us to deal with and communicate our feelings

-teach us discipline

-teach us to withstand optimal frustration (so we can manage in imperfect circumstances)

-provide a safe home base and environment

I’m sure that there are many more but you get the idea. And all this…for free! Most mothers invest in you with all their hearts and one thing is for sure, if it was not for them, we would not be here.

So let’s give our thanks to mothers this weekend. I am dedicating this blog to my mom and grandmother. This is also my own first Mother’s day (because my son will soon be one year’s old) so I am starting to experience the wonders of mother’s love from the inside out myself.

Happy Mother’s day everyone!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

http://www.mydatingschool.com

Today I am going to discuss love in later life, from 55 years old on. If you’ve been divorced, widowed or you focused on your career (never married or partnered up) and really want tow, this article could be for you. 

Often folks in this category feel they are at a DISADVANTAGED DATER for these reasons:

-they never really dated much and don’t know how

-they’re not familiar with internet resources and online dating

-they have never attended a singles event

-they tell themselves ‘it’s too late to find love’

-they think potential dates only want younger partners

-they feel everyone their age is taken (no one is in their boat).

-they are settled in life and afraid to take risks and make changes

-fear no one will measure up to their late spouse and that dating now is disloyal

-feel that dating is only appropriate for ‘the young.’

These are common fears and road blocks to finding love in later life but once you know what stops you, you can do something about it. Do not let your fears, untrained abilities or judgments impede your success in life. The truth is there may be a terrific counterpart somewhere sitting there thinking the same thing! Remember, it only takes one person you really like (and who really likes you) to begin a romance that can turn your life around!

So, here are some ADVANTAGES OF DATING IN LATER LIFE. Hopefully they will give you a positive energy boost to help you view your possibilities more favorably!

-We become wiser and know ourselves more with time

-We know what we need in a mate more as we age (and therefore choose better)

-We have more time to enjoy ourselves and share things

-There is niche dating to prove you are not alone. www.AARPmag.com has a dating section, there are singles cruises for over 55, singles events over 55, online dating sites for seniors, clubs and dances and tons of activities at senior centers etc. See some links below.

-It is never too late to grow. You can always have your grandchild or have a neighbor teach you how to use the internet. My book ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ walks you through how to set up your online profile and lists dating resources in the back.

-This is the time to have adventures and focus on you! You have raised your kids, focused on your career and taken care of others your whole life. Now you can relax, slow down and enjoy yourself. You can check out www.elderhostel.com and take a trip around the world with other folks your age.

-There are dating discounts for seniors! Restaurants have senior discounts like IHOP. Movie theaters like Regal Cinema and AMC theaters  offer senior discounts. For a romantic mini break, South West air lines is 25-75% off for seniors. Some car rentals are cheaper too. You can always ask your local place if they have a senior discount.

 -You have nothing to lose (and everything to gain) by trying! Once you retire, all you have is time. You could make someone who is lonesome very happy by taking the time to go out and get to know them. You don’t have to get married. Maybe you’ll just expand you world and make a new friend.

-You have more to share. You can reminisce and share stories about your past together, including your family, hobbies, work etc and you can share your dreams about recreating your selves now and what you’d like to create in your later part of life, going forward. It is great to have someone to reflect with, who can support who you are and what you have achieved. They can also be there for all future celebrations such as birthdays and holidays. These have probably doubled because now you have the celebrations of grandchildren, elderly friends etc.

-At the end of your life, what is most important? Isn’t it the love we gave and received? So do not sell yourself short. It is never too late to make new connections and mutually enrich your lives.

If any of my readers over 55 have found love in later life and want to share, please do. If you have particular questions about dating, feel free to ask.

I’ve listed a few resources below.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

 ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

         Related Links:

http://www.allsinglestravel.com/SENIOR_SINGLES_TRAVEL.htm

http://seniortravel.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=seniortravel&cdn=travel&tm=185&gps=106_30_1579_724&f=00&su=p284.9.336.ip_p531.50.336.ip_&tt=3&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//www.languagesabroad.com/

http://www.osolomio.com/faqs/what-is-the-age-range-of-o-solo-mio-travelers.html?Itemid=25

http://www.aarp.org/leisure/travel?CMP=KNC-360I-GOOGLE-LEI-TRV&HBX_OU=50&HBX_PK=senior_cruises

This morning I heard an internet dating show by a dating expert who advised a male caller to conform to dating norms instead of being true to himself. This single man did not like to have sex on the first few dates . He was attractive and would meet women in a bar who wanted to immediately sleep with him.  He preferred to get to know them a bit and liked to wait about a month to sleep with someone new. He said this was in line with his values and that he also feared STD’s and would like to ‘let the boat float, until we find land.’ Personally, I thought this man sounded funny, articulate, honest and sensitive.

The dating expert (Evan Marc Katz) told him that women like men who are masculine, confident and a leader.   The caller replied that is ‘just an image’ but Evan said that when a guy doesn’t build attraction and act like a leader, that the woman may assume that he is gay and afraid. He advised people to ask themselves this question when they are outside the mainstream, ‘Am I willing to go outside the mainstream and fit with others to get better results?’ or, they will continue to alienate others. Evan suggested that this caller compromise and find a middle ground (like fooling around sexually right away). The caller countered Evan saying that he was advising him to become like everyone else. Evan replied that he should get past his ‘17 year old way of thinking’ or he’ll continue to have this problem.

Now, I don’t know Evan Marc Katz and he may be a nice person and a good coach but this particular topic got my goat so I decided that it’s a good one to explore on this rainy Monday morning. Evan’s latter advice at worst sounded shaming and at best was results-oriented without looking deeper at the authentic process of finding your life mate. This is what my book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ specifically covers. It helps singles be true to themselves and commit to who they are so that they can find a mate who appreciates it. 

Most coaches may feel that their advice should be results oriented, so if this man wants to be more successful in dating, he should understand what woman want and do that—in a nutshell, he should, ‘do what works.’ In theory this premise makes sense, as does the philosophy that life isn’t black and white so it is good to read social cues in relationships and compromise.

Having said this, my own philosophy is that in this world we are all different. Many of us pander to fit in, be ‘normal’ and please others in attempt to ‘look good’ and be successful. In the end we each determine for ourselves what success really means and whether it’s more important than being ourselves and pleasing ourselves. I tend to think that when we are self-accepting and authentic, the right partner will stick around. 

It is true that some women will judge Dan (the single caller) for stalling women in their quest to bed him. Dan can communicate his intention to wait a bit, letting them know that this is how he feels and why and assuring them that he likes them and wants to be intimate in time. This serves the function of remaining true to himself and his values while letting women know that he is attracted to them and is romantically interested.

As women (or prospective dates) it’s important that we let go of our preconceived ideas of how things ‘should go’ and seek to understand our date. Dan is an example of this. He seems like he could be a wonderful partner and some woman might not give him a chance because they presume that he is gay or asexual. So as a date it’s important to observe your stereotypes and judgments and give people a chance to reveal who they are over time. This is the underlying premise of my book because I often see that singles fall in love with ‘the idea of a person or a relationship’ instead of consciously getting to know another person and themselves! This is a missed opportunity in spiritual growth!

So I encourage Dan (and others like him) to continue to honor himself and his values and to share them on dates. There may be some woman out there who are thrilled that he is honest, not a player and that he values intimacy on many levels.

I hope this article prompts you to consider where you may have sold out or compromised your ‘true self’ in order to achieve ‘dating success’ and whether in the end, this will really serve you.

I welcome your examples and comments.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

 IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

      Related Links:

http://cyberdatingexpert.com/ask-the-cyber-dating-expert-radio-show-with-evan-marc-katz

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/