Unconscious Mating

We went to see the Gazillion Bubble Show which was performed by Ana Fang (who won the Guinness book of World Records for getting the most people inside a bubble)!  One thing I really liked is that it made you feel that in the pursuit of passion, success is possible.  I imagined what a lot of parents would say if their adult son or daughter said, ‘Mom, I love bubbles and want to make them my life’s work.’ Many would encourage it to remain a hobby, others would discourage the idea as crazy and some might even send their child to a therapist! While it is a parent’s job to ground, protect and prepare their child for independence, sometimes parental fears instill limiting beliefs in children that stifle their passions and their scope of possibility.

Interestingly, children are the opposite before they become socialized. A child in the audience behind me was watching these miraculous bubbles and said to her dad, ‘Daddy, I can do that when we get home. I can do it!’ It reminded me of how my mom would take me to the museum when I was little and I’d look at some of the modern art painting  (for what seemed like one million years) and say, ‘I can do that!’ Now of course I could not ‘do that’ because I did not have the experience and mastery but children do have the energy, excitement and sense of possibility to try anything and that is great!

The Fangs are living examples of making a bizarre dream a reality.  They probably have toiled many years perfecting their knowledge and showmanship with bubbles and today they have their own show in NY and are touring internationally. They were on Oprah and many popular shows.

During the recession (a time of scarcity) it’s important to remember that dreams are possible if we work really hard and are consistently passionate about their fruition and value.

At the end of the show there are lazar lights and bubbles everywhere. Half the audience is kids and they are all jumping everywhere trying to catch the bubbles. It is a magical scene that takes you back to that childlike state of experiencing joy and creation in every moment.

Now would this be a good first date? Personally, I think it’s one she’d never forget! It is definitely something that neither of you have ever seen before. And it could be inspiring for the reasons I’ve mentioned.

Is there a downside? It isn’t cheap. Although my husband enjoyed it, he pointed out that most people might not say, ‘$90 tickets (for two) to see some beautiful bubbles? Sign me up!’ He also said that most people would go to this show to bring a kid and see the excitement on their faces. They might not go as two adults. In fact, many audience reviewers said it wasn’t worth the ticket price but that it would have been fun for $20 a ticket.

While I agree with thse comments, and I think the structure of the show was a bit cheesy, if you can afford it and want an original experience-I still say go! It’ll get you out of your somber cubicle and your head and it might return you to a state of wonder and fun where anything is possible. It will make you smile and will might remind you that with hard work, initiative and passion your dreams could come true too.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

http://www.mydatingschool.com

                        Related Links:

http://www.gazillionbubbleshow.com/about.htm

http://www3.timeoutny.com/newyork/kids/blog/2008/07/17/review-the-gazillion-bubble-show/

http://www.nytheatre.com/nytheatre/gazi4785.htm

http://www.backstage.com/bso/news_reviews/nyc/review_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1003549785

My book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ encourages readers to date consciously. It presupposes that singles have to combat their own dating psychology to choose mates with greater awareness. When I refer to our need to combat our dating psychology, this includes our familial blueprint, limiting beliefs about love and the opposite sex, our dating context and past relationship baggage. Although my book does reference the chemical pull of lust as one of our unconscious drives, I did not recognize the full impact that biology may have upon our choice of mate.

I recently read some amusing, interesting, possibly frightening (and maybe suspect) research about DNA Dating and how hormones might influence our mate selection.   Some researchers found that whether you are attracted to or repulsed by a man’s body odor may depend upon your respective immune systems. In one study, women were asked to sniff t-shirts over several days to see which smells they liked. Women preferred the body odor of men who had major histocompatibility complex (MHC) gene variants that are mostly different from their own. Some scientists explain that this particular bias assures that children may inherit a more diverse MHC and immune system and that if mates’ MHC genes are too similar than kids may not be as healthy. 

I have posted some links to relevant articles and studies below and am not sure how accurate and significant these findings are. Furthermore, I wanted to share two amusing outgrowths of this research.

First, there are now several dating sites that test your MHC gene variant compatibility and match you up with a compatible partner! Some of these dating sites include www.genepartner.com and www.scientificmatch.com (I’ve listed links to those dating sites below). They test you by sending you a swab kit so that you can brush the inside of your cheek!  Then they match you with the most genetically compatible mate!  Yes, dating just became even more complex!

Secondly, they have invented and are selling a nasal spray called ‘Liquid Trust Oxytocin’ which is called the new ‘love hormone’ and it is also based upon your smell of hormones. One study found that a whiff of oxytocin made dates seem more attractive. Supposedly oxytocin increases trust, makes people bond and tune into each other at deeper levels. Some scientists even suggest that using this spray could be used as a tool in marriage therapy and could help existing couples be closer!

Are you laughing yet? Science is amazing but personally I feel that as we grow as human beings, we get more conscious and try to understand and move beyond our biological urges. We don’t necessarily move to manufacture and commercialize our biolgical urges to manipulate love. This is just my take on it. What is yours? Will any of you be joining these dating sites and testing your gene variants?

Do any of you feel even more strongly and think that using science to procure love is reminiscent of some scary science fiction novel or Orwell’s ‘Animal Farm’? Just trying to make you think…

Please share your comments below.

My Best in Love,

Paulette 

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

Related links:

http://www.canada.com/Technology/story.html?id=1155238

http://oxytocinnasalsprays.com/

http://www.verolabs.com/index.php (liquid trust oxytocin)

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/02/080208172104.htm

http://helenfisher.typepad.com/helenfisher/2007/02/lovefrom_from_a.html

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17048922/

http://www.livescience.com/culture/090327-similar-partners.html

http://www.livescience.com/culture/090408-genetic-love.html

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=20071228-000001&page=1

http://www.scientificmatch.com/html/index.php (dating site)

http://www.scientificmatch.com/html/the_process_finding_chemistry.php (how this dating site works)

http://www.genepartner.com/index.php/ (a cheaper dating site)

http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20026873.600-dna-dating-can-genes-help-you-pick-a-mate.html?full=true

We just came back from seeing U2 3D at the Liberty Science Center. Besides the Beatles, U2 is my husband’s favorite band so I knew he’d love to see their 3D movie for Husband Appreciation Day.   It is only playing there this Sat and Sun (until April 19^th) that is why I’m posting this right away, so if you are a U2 fan, make sure to go!  Tickets are $11.25 per person! (much cheaper than the $45 concert tix).  I think the shows are at 5:15 and 7:45 PM.

When you first walk into the theater they handed us these glasses to put on. It was my first 3D movie and I thought it was really cool. The effects were tremendous and you felt like you saw the band and the audience response from all kinds of perspectives. Although I’ve been to a real U2 concert once with my husband, I found that I grasped the meaning of the songs better in the movie theater. Many of the songs were about peace and love and had a message of unity and hope. When I looked over at my husband he was smiling and I knew that he liked it. 

We went to Liberty State Park (within which the Liberty Science Center resides). The park is beautiful and it has many benches with water views of the skyline, Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. It is a romantic free spot to sit or walk on a date.

So if you just can’t make it to see U2 3D at the Liberty Science Center in Jersey City, NJ, you can go see Harry Potter in 3D or just wait to see what’s playing there next. Less than $25 for a great date for two is a recession special!

I’m not sure if U2 3D is playing at any IMAX theaters in Manhattan or in other boroughs anymore. I tried checking just now and I think it’s come and gone. So, this may be your last chance for awhile! So grab your date and sing ‘One’ and then go take her for a walk under the stars at Liberty State Park.  Enjoy!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

Relevant Links:

http://www.timeout.com/film/newyork/reviews/85087/u2_3d.html

http://www.fandango.com/u23d_113322/criticreviews

http://movies.nytimes.com/2008/01/23/movies/23band.html?ref=movies (NY Times Review)

http://www.u23dmovie.com/

http://www.lsc.org/lsc/ourexperiences/theaters/new-evening-films

http://www.libertystatepark.org/

http://www.state.nj.us/dep/parksandforests/parks/liberty.html

Okay, now I’ve probably got your attention, so calm down and let me explain. (Maybe you are smiling)  At Rocky Horror anyone who has never been to see the show before is called ‘a virgin’ and they actually call you up before the show begins (if you’ll go). If you are a Rocky Horror virgin, you can familiarize yourself with Rocky Horror etiquette here.

There are actors who play out the movie right before your eyes and the audience speaks along with the movie dialogue. Before the film starts, the audience gets up to dance. It’s quite a scene.

Still, seeing this show as a first date might be a risk. There‘s a lot of cursing, some partial nudity (people walking around in bras), sexual innuendo and a lot of audience participation. So if you or your dates are quick to embarrass, you might want to leave. That’s the potential down side.

The up side is that it‘s not a run of the mill experience and it can be funny, original and fun. It’s a cult classic and a very ‘New York’ thing to do…at least once. It’s more unique than a regular flick and you can conveniently catch it at the Clearview in Midtown Manhattan at midnight on Fridays and Saturdays for only $9 per person. (We went in for $7 a person with our Optimum Rewards card!).

We went to see it this weekend on a whim because I remembered it being fun when I was in high school (many moons ago) and I thought it could be a fun cheap date. I have to say that we felt old and were the oldest ones there. I say this so you know what to expect as it seemed to be mostly populated by people in their early 20’s. Still, there’s never an age limit on fun!

Tim Curry stars in the film with a fantastic performance and Susan Sarandon sings and is quite charming. I forgot to mention that it’s a musical and has some classic songs that everyone sings.  The film is surreal and dreamlike and in my already sleepy haze I thought that it was about freedom and exploration. What do other people say that it’s about? Even the review by Roger Ebert doesn’t analyze the film’s message but describes it as a ‘social phenomenon’ rather than a movie.

In the movie theater, the Rocky Horror actors sell prop bags for $2 that include rice (to throw at the wedding scene), bread and toilet paper (for appropriate parts of the film). If you really love it, they even suggest that you check out their website if you want to become a Rocky Horror actor too (and develop a new hobby/community).  You can also buy the trivia game!

So if you want a zany experience and think that you can stay up till 2AM’ish and participate in some exhibitionist fun, check it out!

The Clearview Chelsea Cinema in Manhattan is on 23^rd St. between 7^th and 8th Avenue and the Rocky Horror Picture Show takes place there at midnight on Fridays and Saturdays. Call to confirm.  Happy Dating!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

 ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

                                 Related Links:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rocky_Horror_Picture_Show

http://www.rockyhorror.org/faqframe/s-text.html (Rocky Horror Script)

http://www.timewarp.org.uk/1virgins.htm (instructions for first timers)

http://www.myspace.com/ssquartermaster (they even have a MySpace page)

http://www.rhpf.org/news.triviacards.shtml (Rocky Horror trivia game)

http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/19750101/REVIEWS/501010356/1023 (movie review)

http://www.nycrhps.org/ (be part of the cast)

Tonight I was told a story about a beautiful single woman in her 30’s who went to a bar with some friends and was hounded by a man in his late 50’s. She agreed to dance with him once and then politely told him that she just wanted to spend time with her friends. She complained that it was annoying and uncomfortable because he would not get the hint and he kept hanging around insisting that he buy her another drink or that she dance with him.  She kept politely declining but he mentioned to her friend that she had been mean to him. She wished that he would have been a little more attuned to her signs of disinterest and she also wanted some polite tips on how to say no in the future. Her experience inspired this article.

So here are 5 Clues that a Woman is Just Not that Into You:

1.       She declines a drink or says that she does not want to dance

2.       She says she prefers to hang out with her friends

3.       She looks around and does not make eye contact

4.       She plays with her blackberry and seems to prefer it to you

5.       She would rather pay for her own drinks then get a few for free

I appreciate a man who goes after what he wants but it is important to know the fine line between moxy and harassment in dating.

And for all you women who have a hard time saying the word no, here are 5 ways to do so. Say:

1.       “Thank you for the offer but I prefer not to dance or get a drink right now”

2.       “It was nice to meet you but I’d like to go circulate now”

3.       “I enjoyed meeting you but would like to be by myself for awhile. Have a great evening”

4.       “I am going to go to the ladies room but I’ll say goodbye to you before I leave.’

5.       “Listen, you are very nice but I am not interested in anything romantic right now.”

If you try these semi-polite discouragements and he still won’t get the point, you may need to be even more direct and say, ‘Look, you are probably a great guy but I’m not interested.’ Or ‘Please stop following me around!’ Obviously this depends on the level of his insistence and disregard for your boundaries.

It is important to be polite but women should not feel bad for saying no when they’re not interested in someone. In the short-term it might be disappointing to him but it saves him from springing for drinks and finding out the bad news down the road.

On the other hand, if you are the type that says no to everyone then you can read my other article which talks about giving people who ‘may not be your exact type’ a few chances and how this can sometimes be helpful.

Everyone has these uncomfortable moments when going to singles spots so you need to practice handling them by saying no, recognizing when others are disinterested and hopefully doing so in the kindest manner possible.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, ENTER IT INTO COMMENTS OR EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

On Friday my husband and I were both off from work and we had our regular babysitter for 5 hours so we were able to have a great date day.

We had a quick lunch at a diner ($10 each) and then we drove to the Liberty Science Center in Jersey City to see an IMAX film.  It’s the Nation’s largest IMAX dome theater.  The tickets were only $9 each (less than a movie these days) although parking in their lot costs $7.  We saw Wild Ocean   which was about the underwater life in South Africa.  It explores the African KwaZulu-Natal Coast zooming in on the annual feeding frenzy among whales, birds, sharks and fishermen as billions of sardines migrate northwards.   The landscapes and underwater life was magnificent and you felt like you really went on a journey.  This is no ordinary date.  Sharing nature, discussing travel and political issues like our ecosystem is a great, inexpensive and memorable experience for couples, committed and new.

There are other IMAX films there as well, with topics that include chimpanzees, Harry Potter and U2.  You can view the current list here.  To get there you can drive or take public transportation.  Get directions here.

Afterwards we drove to Coney Island and went to the NY Aquarium to see the real live sea creatures up close.  On Fridays between 3-5PM admission is free (or pay-as-you-wish).  So we got in free and walked around for 40 minutes.  My favorite underwater creature was the walrus.  He was large, funny looking, beautiful and graceful.  He floated around on his back and would flip over and hit his butt on the glass window, smiling at his audience every time.  What an incredible creature.

Afterwards, we walked along the Coney Island boardwalk (which is adjacent to the NY Aquarium) and we were able to see the real ocean.

It’s great to be able to get in touch with nature while being in such close proximity to Manhattan.

So altogether including lunch, the IMAX Wild Ocean film, parking and our visit to the NY Aquarium our tab was $22 per person and we had a great time!

So check out these websites and related links below.

Happy Dating!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Contact Info:

Liberty Science Center * 222 Jersey City Boulevard * Jersey City, NJ * 07305 * 201.200.1000   http://www.lsc.org/

       NY Aquarium

         New York Aquarium
              Surf Avenue & West 8th Street
              Brooklyn, New York 11224
              (718) 265-FISH

Related Links:

Home page at Liberty Science Center:  http://www.lsc.org/

Ticket prices: http://www.lsc.org/lsc/visit/prices

IMAX movies: http://www.lsc.org/lsc/ourexperiences/theaters/imax

Directions:  http://www.lsc.org/lsc/visit/directions

IMAX description:  http://www.lsc.org/lsc/rentals/facilities/imaxdome

NY Aquarium:  http://www.nyaquarium.com/

These days we are busy and trying to save money. If you are married, in a long-term relationship or want to be seriously dating someone, you may not have the resources to go to bed and breakfasts and eat out fancy places to romance your partner. We’ve already discussed cheap romantic gestures that you can do anywhere but today I am proposing that you be proactive and romance ready your home. Once you do, you will feel like you are at a spa or ready for a romantic evening at any time with little effort.

Here are 10 things you can invest in to get you started:

1.        ELECTRIC FIREPLACE (big ticket item): If you have always wanted a fireplace but live in a rental in Manhattan, all is not lost. You can purchase an electric fireplace that you just plug into an outlet and you can take it with you when you move; no clean up or logs needed. You can buy a used or inexpensive one on ebay but I found a new fancy one for around $600 as an example. I know that sounds expensive but it is something you’ll have to keep and enjoy in your home. You can place it in your living room for guests or in your bedroom. Here is the link for one example: http://cgi.ebay.com/Cherry-Electric-Infrared-Heat-Fireplace-Suntwin-Heater_W0QQitemZ110372246919QQihZ001QQcategoryZ131607QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

2.       MUSIC: Romantic music is great to create a mood. You can download itunes or just create a mixed tape of your favorite love songs. Do this work ahead of time so all you have to do is pop the tape in and you can slow dance with your mate to your favorite songs.

3.       TAKE-OUT MENUS: Obviously the most romantic thing (for you domestics) is to cook but that means that you will need to shop and cook each time you decide to be romantic. If you have kids and a lot going on, this can be unappealing. So my suggestion is to keep a folder of inexpensive good take-out places that you can call at a moment’s notice and have them deliver it right to your door. This makes it easy and fun for you both. You can still dress it up with a table cloth, china and candles.

4.       CANDLES: Speaking of candles, you can head to the dollar store and buy a bunch of those little glass votive holders and tea light candles for under $15. Stock up so you have them whenever you want them. Nothing adds romance like candle light!

5.       WINE: Trader Joe’s now has good wine for $3.99 a bottle. You can go get a case one day and just store it for special romantic occasions.   It won’t ever go bad and your investment will last you a long time. Invest in two pretty wine glasses from crate and barrel or pottery barn.

6.       DISCO BALL: This one may not be for everyone but I think it’s fun. You can install a disco ball in your living room and buy a colored spotlight for $ 30. See the link: http://cgi.ebay.com/12-MIRROR-DISCO-BALL-KIT-HOME-PARTY-LIGHTS-DJ-LIGHT_W0QQitemZ270363309061QQihZ017QQcategoryZ96295QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem. This creates a fun romantic mood. You can watch the colored lights or slow dance and create your own club atmosphere at home.

7.       MASSAGE OIL:  You can pick up some good smelling massage oil for under $15 or some body lotion that you love. Then you and your partner can exchange foot rubs or massages from home so you will both be in a relaxed, loving mood.

8.       BUBBLE BATH: You can buy Mr. Bubble for under $5 in any drugstore or you can invest in a fancy brand that includes aromatherapy. Even if you don’t have a fancy Jacuzzi, you and your partner can take a bubble bath together and it will be a great, relaxing, romantic escape at any time.

9.       BREAKFAST TRAY: Another luxurious easy thing is to serve your mate breakfast in bed. Even if it is just orange juice, a croissant and the paper, the gesture will be appreciated. So get a breakfast tray so you can surprise your mate this way (or they can surprise you easily!) Here’s an example of one on ebay  http://cgi.ebay.com/BARNYARD-ROOSTER-BED-BREAKFAST-TRAY-COUNTRYCHARM_W0QQitemZ370181077755QQihZ024QQcategoryZ10034QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

10.   ROMANTIC AROMA: Spas often have incense and they immediately relax you. You can create this kind of ambience at home with little effort. You can stock up on your favorite incense, buy flowers or get an aromatherapy diffuser that will continue to spread the scent you love through your house. 

So go on a shopping expedition to make your house romance ready or you can let your fingers do the walking and get most of these things online. 

Remember, with a little proactive effort you can have romance at home with little ongoing investment. During this recession you will save on fine dining and mini breaks and will make your house a haven.

I’d love to hear what top 10 items you’d add to this list. Feel free to share.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

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Author: Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman