Unconscious Mating

Answered by Dr. Paulette Kouffman Shermanwww.mydatingschool.com  

QUESTION: What’s the real purpose of a first date?  

A:  The purpose of a first date is to explore someone new and have fun.  It’s important to remember that people date with different intentions.  Some date to have a good time, while others are looking for a long term relationship.  Depending on your context, you may look for different things on a date and in a date. 

Realistically, you can gain a glimpse into someone’s world and hopefully have some laughs.  It takes time to get to know someone so I usually advise that you give someone a few dates to see them in different circumstances and allow them to relax and be themselves over time.  At first, just have fun and let things evolve. 

 Q: What kinds of things should you ask and is there anything you can do before a date to increase your chances of success? 

A:  I think it’s most important to be your self and to be as relaxed as possible.  I say this because you don’t want to be so focused on pleasing the OTHER person that it becomes like a job interview and she feels that you are trying too hard.  This type of pandering can look like insecurity.  Rather, you can have phone conversations or email exchanges to get a sense of your date before hand so that you can be considerate and pick a place/event that she might like.  This can be something you surmise by asking her favorite things to do, any movies she’d like to see or the kind of food she loves etc.  This allows you to take her taste into account when planning the date.  The idea is to share and exchange preferences so that you can learn from each other. 

Other things you can do before a date to increase your chance of success is to let her know you are really looking forward to spending time with her in person.  Enthusiasm is contagious and your directness and warmth will make her feel happy and at ease. 

Q:  What gestures do women like? 

A:  Women love men who really listen to them and who notice the little things they like.  This makes them feel special and it usually makes them feel that you care about them.  Most women also love surprises.   This can mean bringing her flowers, taking her to see a movie with her favorite actress or cooking her favorite foods. 

Q: Is it good to have a second location on a date?  

A:  Changing locations does imply a sense of adventure and could suggest some other positive things to a woman.  I constantly hear single women complain that men ask them on a first date and say, ‘You pick a place and we’ll meet for drinks.’  They get so turned off by having to plan their own first date and they chalk this up to a lack of effort, imagination and leadership on the man’s part.  They also complain that they are no longer offered dinner and are only allotted a short time.  For all these reasons, a ‘change of location date’ can be great, if she’s up for it.  It suggests that you have planned and thought things out, that you are giving her time and enjoying her company and that you have created the opportunity to see each other in different settings. 

The best way to suggest a location change is to tell her that you’re having a great time and you’d love to show her XYZ but you will understand if she is tired and wants to save it for another day.  This gives her room to bow out gracefully.  You can also ask her if there is something else that she is really in the mood to do. 

The second location should contrast the first.  For example, you may first meet to have dinner or drinks.  The idea there is to go somewhere subdued to talk and get to know each other.  Afterwards it can be great to do something fun, original and more action oriented.  This way you can laugh together, participate in your surroundings and let your guard down.  You can go dancing, take a walk in the park to see the stars or walk by the water to see the skyline, take a boat ride, walk across the
Brooklyn bridge, go to the batting cages or play pool, go bowling etc.  On our first date my husband and I rode the Cyclone roller coaster together (something neither of us will forget) and walked by the beach in
Coney Island. 

Q: What should we talk about? 

A:  It’s important to be yourself!  Too many dates follow some prescribed script which make both people pressured to find the perfect answers (instead of being in the moment) and they have an inner debate about how much to reveal.  When you are being silly or come up with ‘out of the box’ imaginative questions, the evening becomes playful and both people have fun.   

People often love to discuss the things they are passionate about.  You can explore her hobbies, travel, dreams etc until you sense where her strongest energy is.  Then let her know that you are really interested by your presence and body language and validate her opening up to you by asking her further questions and letting her know what you appreciate about what she shared.  Everyone wants to be accepted and valued.  When your date feels this way, she is more likely to communicate further and to feel connected. 

The top quality most women want in a man is humor.  So, it’s always great to be funny and get her laughing.  Women like authenticity and confidence in a man.  So the trick is to be spontaneously funny, in the moment, when appropriate.  Is this asking way too much?!#  Heh.  Never forget to laugh at yourself too. 

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist, a dating coach and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by Atria Books, award Winner of the National ‘Best Books’ of 2008 in the category of Self-Help: Relationships. She is the Director ‘My Dating School’ in
Manhattan, which offers coaching and classes in dating at www.mydatingschool.com.  She has been a monthly speaker of The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show, as well as many radio programs. She has been quoted in publications such as
MSN.com, USA Weekend, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, ‘Glamour,’ ‘Seventeen’ and ‘Complete Woman’ magazine.  

 Order Dr. Sherman’s book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ from Amazon or by going to her website www.mydatingschool.com  

This entry was posted on Wednesday, November 12th, 2008 at 1:30 pm and is filed under unconscious dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.