Unconscious Mating

By: Dr. Paulette Kouffman Shermanwww.mydatingschool.com  

Lightening only strikes once, in this dating coach’s opinion, but there are exceptions to every rainstorm: 

So, here’s a popular question: Should I get back together with my ex?  Often there are good reasons why you broke up in the first place…and many times partners find themselves right back where they started. 

Cheryl was 40 years old and wanted a baby.  She loved Jim in college but they were on again off again and he never treated her right.  They stayed long-distance pals over the years and after his divorce, he was lonely.  She shared her dream of having a child and he suggested they try again.  She visited him with the hope of conceiving.  When she arrived they began to argue and annoy each other.  By the second day she was ready to go home.  She could not tolerate him, despite her great desire to have a child.   

Jenny, age 41 was beautiful, smart and accomplished.  She had many relationships but never married.  She was very particular when it came to choosing a life mate.  Lonely, she approached her ex-boyfriend Chris, thinking that she could make it work this time.  She tried to be more accepting but found that in the end, the same things were unacceptable about him. 

Ana dated a man for a year that she loved.  She planned everything and had to beg him to spend quality time with her and to communicate.  They had other good things in the relationship, so she was on the fence until she decided that she deserved better treatment and broke up with him. She was waiting for him to miss her and return but it never happened.  She got lonely and started to second guess her decision.  She begged him to come back, reneging on all her prior requests and he took her back temporarily.  It became evident that their needs were too different. 

I’m sure that there are exceptions, where people realize that their relationship was worth more work and where partners miss each other and this makes them want to commit. 

Sometimes people separate due to age or circumstance, not because of their relationship issues.  There are people who date in high school, marry and divorce and find each other again.  Emotional timing can be another factor.  Andrea dated her boyfriend for two years and then moved in with him; with the understanding that they would get engaged.  When the time came, Tim got scared.  He refused to tell her when he would be ready to take this step.  Andrea told him that she wanted marriage and if they were not on the same page, she would leave.  A month later, Tim called her, proposed and told her he did not want to be without her. 

In matters of the heart, when people reunite with clarity and love rather than in fear, outcomes are better. 

Basic Tips For Reuniting With an Ex: 

• Don’t reunite expecting the other person to change
• Check if out if you’re just remembering the good
• Be clear why you split in the first place.
• Be realistic about how things will be different
• Act out of love & clarity, not fear & loneliness
• Was there was a lesson to be learned the first time?  Did you learn it?

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist, a dating coach and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by Atria Books, award Winner of the National ‘Best Books’2008 in the category of Self-Help: Relationships. She is the Director ‘My Dating School’ in
Manhattan, which offers coaching and classes in dating at www.mydatingschool.com.  She has been a monthly speaker of The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show, as well as many radio programs. She has been quoted in publications such as
MSN.com, USA Weekend, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, ‘Glamour,’ ‘Seventeen’ and ‘Complete Woman’ magazine.   

Order Dr. Sherman’s book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ at Amazon.  

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