Know When to Hold ‘Em and When To Fold Them: Is this the Right Relationship for You?
Monday, November 10th, 2008
By Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman
Deal-Breakers Marla is in a relationship with a man that she loves. She is 40 years old and what matters most to her is marriage and having children. She started dating this man knowing that he was divorced and had kids. In the beginning he said that he would consider marriage and children with her but after they moved in together, he said that he did not want children and was not sure if he wanted to remarry. She was heart broken because she already loved him. She thought about artificial insemination but he said he would not stay with her if she chose to raise a baby, even if it was not his. She had to weigh what was most important to her and what she was willing to give up for a relationship.
There may be times when it is worth it to change your designated course for something wonderful that shows up instead, but you have to be clear with yourself about the cost. When we act on our feelings without thinking things through, we can make impulsive choices. Often the best relationships are aligned with who you are and what is most important for you. My friend recently decided that she was not willing to give up her opportunity of having a baby. For her this issue was a deal breaker.
Love-Makers
The other side of this dating story is that sometimes people have so many intellectual expectations that they won’t let their heart get to know a person. Many of my clients have lists of requirements for their perfect mate, including their height, career and bank account. While it is important to know what you want, you can be committed to manifesting a certain kind of relationship, without becoming so attached to the way it will look. For example, a man may be fantastic and caring and be an inch shorter than your ideal cutoff. So many daters miss wonderful mates by having unrealistic, superficial lists and missing the person right before them. So while it is key to stand firm on your Deal- Breakers, it is equally important to give up some of your superfluous requirements in favor of something that is solid, lasting and real. A love connection goes beyond the outside packaging to the truth of who that person really is.
Which Category Are You?
So the next time you are standing at a romantic crossroads and find yourself debating ‘Yeah or nay?’…just ask yourself, where do I fall? Is my list too narrow or wide? Then look inside to determine your next romantic move.
Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist, a dating coach and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by Atria Books, award Winner of the National ‘Best Books’ of 2008 in the category of Self-Help: Relationships. She is the Director ‘My Dating School’ in Manhattan, which offers coaching and classes in dating at www.mydatingschool.com. She has been a monthly speaker of The Learning Annex for over two years and was an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show, as well as many radio programs. She has been quoted in publications such as MSN.com, USA Weekend, Lifetime.com, Reader’s Digest, ‘Glamour,’ ‘Seventeen’ and ‘Complete Woman’ magazine. Order Dr. Sherman’s book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ by clicking here:
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