Unconscious Mating

A friend of mine confessed over lunch that she was starting to date a 22 year old now and she was not going to tell him her age (34 years old).  She really liked him and was worried that he would turn out to be uncommitted like all her previous loves.  She wanted marriage and a family, but she kept on picking the same type of man.

Now my friend is wonderful.  She is pretty, bright and talented.  She wanted to be in love for Valentines Day and did not want to fall in the same trap.  She had no idea why she found these men so attractive and they were also the ones that kept asking her out!
She didn’t know that we base our ‘type’ upon our early relationships, our emotional blueprint of how to love. So, if my friend grew up with a sweet unavailable father, she might regularly choose sweet unavailable men, in hopes of creating a happy ending. 

Ideally, she could seek therapy and revisit her relationship with her father.  By making her painful experience with him conscious, she could move forward without recreating the same dynamic with other men.  But, if she is not ready for the couch, is there still hope of making better choices?

My friend could really look at her patterns by making a list of past boyfriends and thinking about their negative traits.  Is there one hallmark feature that recycles throughout all her relationships?  If my friend picks avoidant men, the payoff could be that she gets to remain distant and already knows how this type of relationship feels and functions.  It might feel strange for her to date a man who would get her hopes up and require real intimacy from her.  How would she trust this?  The cost of continuing to date ‘her type,’ is that it prevents her from creating a mature, intimate relationship with two equal partners who want a committed future. 

We all repeat what we know, until we look at the results and take responsibility for that creation.  It is easy for my friend to complain that ‘No men commit,’ but it’s harder to declare what is compelling about the ‘hard to get’ men and admit how it would challenge her to date a man who is really present and invested in a future.

Once her pattern is clear, my friend can transition from unconscious to conscious dating, push past her comfort zone and get to know men who know what they want and want her.   This will feel like going against ‘her type,’ but it is merely a new way to take control.  Instead of trying to change avoidant men, my friend can see who she is in her relationships and work on who she wants to be.  Once she recognizes that ‘we attract who we are,’ she will understand that if she wants to have a new kind of date, she needs to work on ‘Being’ a new kind of date, from the inside-out. 

Dr. Sherman is the author of, ‘Dating From The Inside-Out: Using The Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart,’ being published by Atria Books in February 2008.  Director of ‘My Dating School’ www.mydatingschool.com in Manhattan, she offers classes in dating issues & coaching.  She is a monthly speaker at The Learning Annex, a dating expert on radio and television shows and has been quoted in publications such as ‘Glamour’ magazine.  Dr. Sherman is a Licensed Psychologist and a certified empowerment coach, specializing in helping clients date successfully, while facilitating insight.