Unconscious Mating

Dear Dr. Date,

 I am 37 years old and live in NYC. I have an interesting, demanding position with a corporation and love my work.  Although my weekdays are full of people, my late evenings and weekends are lonely. I am so exhausted after work that I either have a fast bite with a colleague or order up.  I am lonely but too tired to bother.  I don’t like bars or have the energy to look for a man.   I want to get married and have a family.    My mother and father worked a lot.  I liked my dad but he was often unavailable.  My mom was critical and they often fought.  I would like to have a male companion that I am attracted to but it all seems so hard. 

Regards,
Lonely and Successful.

It is wonderful that you love your work.  I know that jobs in the city can require substantial time and dedication.  Dating requires effort, so you do need to make the time.

I often find that successful people hide out where they are comfortable.  Your work is part of your identity and it makes you feel good, because you do it well.  If dating takes priority now, perhaps you can take on less work or delegate.  Figure out what you love.  If you like to horseback ride, book an appointment to ride in Central Park for $25 an hour weekly and start enjoying life.  You can only meet someone wherever YOU are.  If all you do is go to work and home, your options for meeting anyone are limited.  Explore your dating resources and treat this like your new job.  Apply your work genius to dating …but once you get a date, remember to have fun!

Also, you may be repeating the pattern of relationship that you grew up with.  Your parents worked a lot and were unavailable to you and to each other.  This was your model of an adult relationship and it could be one reason that you have made yourself unavailable in relationships. You can recognize this pattern and decide that you want to create more intimate, fulfilling relationships in your life. If you go to therapy, you can explore why it feels comfortable to be known through your work instead of in an intimate relationship.  You can begin to the relationship fears and beliefs that stop you.  For example, some people were taught never to show vulnerability, never to let others really know them or to depend on another person.  Once you are aware of the beliefs you have, you can look at how they are untrue or do not serve you.  As you feel the old pain of your family ways, you can take down some protective walls and let people know you in contexts other than work.

The first step in awareness is to admit when something is not working.  Create a new definition of success that includes relationships; one that feels less lonely and more balanced.  Thanks for sharing with us, and get to work!

My best in love,

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman
‘The Date Doc’

Dr. Sherman is the author of, ‘Dating From The Inside-Out: Using The Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart,’ being published by Atria Books in February 2008.  Director of ‘My Dating School’ www.mydatingschool.com in Manhattan, she offers classes in dating issues & coaching.  She is a monthly speaker at The Learning Annex, a dating expert on radio and television shows and has been quoted in publications such as ‘Glamour’ magazine.  Dr. Sherman is a Licensed Psychologist and a certified empowerment coach, specializing in helping clients date successfully, while facilitating insight.