Unconscious Mating

Six Steps to Meet and Marry ‘The One’ 

By Dr. Paulette Kouffman

Many people ask me how to meet and marry ‘The One.’ Dating is a process but ultimately it works best when you are mindful of these six steps. You can remember them by using the acronym ‘The One.’
Transform Your Unconscious Patterns:
We continue to choose partners based upon our old patterns until we make these choices conscious. We pick partners based upon our parent’s relationship or our relationship with our opposite sex parent, and then we recreate that dynamic in our love life. We continue to fall for ‘our type’ and then wonder why our matches don’t work out. Once we can recognize our patterns, we can steer clear of old traps and make better romantic choices in the present. A way to do that is to go to therapy or dating coaching with an experienced practitioner.
Have a Good Look at Yourself:

You can’t pick the right partner for you until you know who YOU are. This means accepting your strengths and weaknesses and knowing who you are on your dates. It is key that you like who you are, because you will attract a similar mate.

Evaluate Dating Baggage and Beliefs:

There are so many internal obstacles to meeting ‘The One’ before we even step out the door. Thoughts like, ‘There are no men in NY for me’ or ‘No men marry women over 40’ shut the door on possibility. Look at what beliefs do not serve you and challenge them. Stay positive while dating and remain focused upon the type of relationship you deserve and will create in the present.
Own Your Own Life:

Do not wait for ‘The One’ to come and create your dream life. Buy the house you want, travel, eat out and grow into who you want to be. It is precisely this that will attract the right partner for you. Too many women wait around for the prince to save them, rather than attracting him to her already abundant and successful life.

Never Settle:

No partner is perfect but a person can have the essentials that you need in a partner. Pick 6 qualities you want in ‘The One’ and up to 6 things you won’t tolerate. Then stick to your list to find a good match. Do not be seduced by strong chemistry or fantasies about his potential. Accept what is so in your relationship now and make your choice.

Experience Your Date While Awake:
In dating, we often let our unconscious patterns, feelings and chemistry dictate ‘The One.’ We forget to observe this person as separate from us. Who is he as a son, worker, friend? How does he treat the waitress? How does he treat you over time? It is important to have chemistry and follow our heart to find ‘The One’ but it is equally important to use your head and to recognize who he is in the world, assess his character, values and priorities with conscious awareness.
These 6 steps help you locate the power within you. When people ask why they did not meet a partner yet, often one of these 6 steps is not being addressed- they repeat old patterns, they stay in dead end relationships, they aren’t clear about what they want in a partner, they have a bad attitude about men and dating or they continue to overlook who their dates really are. This can be a very disappointing cycle. Work on these 6 steps and you can begin to steer your own ship through previously uncharted waters.
This is just a brief overview of this model. If you would like to learn tools and participate in exercises around this approach, come to Dr. Kouffman’s workshop, ‘How to Meet and Marry the One in Less Than a Year’ at the Learning Annex. For more information check the Learning Annex website at www.learningannex.com.