Unconscious Mating

What Sex Should Mean to You When Dating
Dear Dr. Date:  

I’m a divorced woman with a 22 year old son who just started his career in investment banking.  I’ve topped out in my career and feel that I can now take time to smell the roses.  For some strange reason, several younger men were attracted to me and had asked me out for a date.  Usually after a lavish dinner, we had a hug or handshake and we parted ways.  They all said that I was brilliant, beautiful, and classy but didn’t call back.  Those who called me back for a second, third, or fourth date eventually went away.  I didn’t find it appropriate to jump to bed with a stranger at the first meeting.  Do they really expect women to sleep with them at the first date?  Furthermore I had no deep feelings for them.  I’m somewhat cerebral and look for a cerebral, funny, spiritual, idealistic, and handsome fellow.  It’s a tall order, I know!   On July 4th last week, such a “fellow” invited me to dinner.  We hit it off well but we talked a lot about world issues.  We talked and the waiter came by several times to remind us to order.   At some point, he excused himself to go to the men’s room.  I knew he was having an erection.  One of my admirers had told me that he had massive erection when we first met at a business meeting.  I much appreciated his confession since we became friends and learned the clues.  After dinner was over, my July 4th date and I walked to the subway.  He offered to carry my Bloomee’s bag and took my left hand with his right hand.  He kept kneading my hand and planted a big French kiss on my mouth which caught me by surprise but I didn’t know how to respond and quickly said goodbye to him.  He told me that he had a great time.  When I got home, I sent him a thank you email and apologized for not lingering on that kiss since I was too shy to display that at a public place.  I didn’t hear from him.  I think that I might have scared him off since he might think that I had rejected him.    This is the dilemma, when is the right time to be intimate?  There was a lot of chemistry on this date, which I rarely feel, and the question is how not to let such an opportunity go by.  I was raised in the most conservative form of Catholicism where money and (you know the other 3 letter word) were not discussed since they were considered dirty.  I have to undo a lot of my inhibitions. 

Please advise.  Thanks.

Frustrated

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Dear frustrated,FIGURE OUT WHAT SEX MEANS TO YOU

Yours is a common dating question and my first piece of advice is that you need to figure out what sex means to you.  By ‘you’ I do not mean your parents, your religion, the men that you date, your snoopy neighbors or your best friend Sally.  The answer to this question requires that you eliminate the peanut gallery and be straight with yourself.

Sex can mean different things to different people.  Some women have sex for fun and don’t assume any level of attachment, others need to know he will call her the next day, some women need a level of friendship, while others need to be in a committed relationship and some women are saving themselves for marriage.  There is no general ‘wrong or right’ here, but it requires knowing yourself.

Sometimes it helps to imagine the situation and gage your reaction.  With the man you described if you had slept with him on the first date:
How would you feel if you had a great time and he never called again?
What if he called and continued to sleep with you and others?
What if you were friends but the relationship never went further?
What if you were both monogamous but he never wanted to marry?

The idea is to be straight about what sex means to you practically, emotionally and spiritually from the beginning and to take responsibility for it.  Then speak your standards if you need to.  Don’t keep quiet and blame the man for not calling.  Even though sex means marriage to you, it may be fun for him!  If you did not discuss it then you did not create what you wanted in a relationship.

LOOK AT WHAT VOICES ARE DROWNING OUT YOURS

It is important to look at what outside forces are motivating your choices regarding sex.  Here are some common ones:

UPBRINGING- your parents told you that sex should only be done in marriage
RELIGION- taught you that sex is dirty and it is just to procreate
OUR DATES- make you feel guilty when you don’t put out after a costly dinner
PEERS- are sleeping around so we think we should too
THE MEDIA- people on tv sleep together the first date so we think something is wrong with us when we feel differently about it.
LOW SELF-ESTEEM-We worry men won’t continue to date us if we don’t have sex or we use sex as a bargaining chip and withhold it just to gain more interest and create challenge.

The above outside forces can pull you in many directions and cause guilt and doubt.  If you can reason with these influences yourself, great.  If these forces continue to be powerful than you may consider going to therapy to address guilt around these areas from the past that are messing with your present.

In the end you need to go back to your center and stay true to yourself.  If you are living a life aligned with you, the right guy will stick around.  Yes it may be hard for him to wait and he may complain, but if he respects who you are than he will have to decide if waiting is worth it to him.  Vice versa, if you choose to have sex on the first date for fun, the right guy won’t judge you and he will still choose to get to know you in other ways.

So my advice is to take the focus off the guys and the world outside and to choose what makes sense for you.  Also recognize that your feelings about intimacy could change as you grow and experience different relationships.

EXPRESS AFFECTION IN OTHER WAYS

If you decide to wait on sex while dating, it is important to let your date know that you care about him in other ways.  You can express that you care for him verbally or through hugging, handholding or kissing.  You can make him dinner or send him a card.  Everyone wants to be appreciated so let your date know your standards are about you and not about him.  Remind him how special he is and how much you enjoy his company.  Straight communication avoids unintended pain and rejection on both sides.

So, when you choose: ‘Should I or Shouldn’t I?’ remember you are not just deciding about sex, you are living your life consciously based on who you are and what you want to create in a relationship.

Dr. Sherman is the author of, ‘Dating From The Inside-Out: Using The Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart,’ being published by Atria Books in February 2008.  Director of ‘My Dating School’ www.mydatingschool.com in Manhattan, she offers classes in dating issues & coaching.  She is a monthly speaker at The Learning Annex, a dating expert on radio and television shows and has been quoted in publications such as ‘Glamour’ magazine.  Dr. Sherman is a Licensed Psychologist and a certified empowerment coach, specializing in helping clients date successfully, while facilitating insight.