Unconscious Mating

Ready or Not: When to say ‘I Do’

By: Dr. Paulette Sherman
Do you want to walk down the aisle but you keep trying to do it alone? If your boyfriends are terrific and gun shy, assume you’re terrific.  But, also decide if you embody the qualities of a wife.

READY

You attract who you are:  The way you behave towards him now IS what you are ‘ready’ for.  Three happily married women (with marriages of 6, 10 and 20 years) describe how they dated and met their mates, creating great marriages:

Acceptance of Yourself & Partner- Irene knew who she was and what she wanted before meeting her husband.  She also knew that she needed to accept him for all that he is and all that he is not. 

Confidence in Marriage- Nicole had a negative image of marriage, due to her parents’ divorce.  She had to shift this before she could create a great marriage.  She spoke to  married women about what worked and became confident that she could create it. 

Committed- Deb dated her husband seven years before getting engaged.  He was the right man for her but she wanted him to be sure. She remained committed through many difficult times. 

Trusting- Deb says that when her husband makes a mistake she tries to work it through with patience and does not throw their whole relationship into question.

Responsible- All three women make choices based on who they are and remain focused on creating their vision of relationship.  They return to this regardless of outside circumstances.

NOT (READY)

Women experience the ‘unready’ dating dilemma for various reasons.  Either they love the ‘idea’ of marriage and a family or think that accomplishing it will make them happy:

At 39, Sheila wanted a child.  She was living with a divorced man for nine months.  They had unresolved issues and fought.  She pressured him to marry her because her biological clock was ticking and she felt marriage was a necessary step in having a family. 

Susie dated a younger man for a year and was ready to get engaged.  He wanted to marry her but was not settled in a job.  She did a job search for him and tried to help him, ‘get ready.’ 

‘Unready’ relationships don’t last when fun and love is squashed in favor of making the unready partner wrong.  If this is your predicament, take the pressure off your man and put the spotlight on yourself.

You may have work to do in becoming ready, and sometimes partners do it together.  Jane lived with a man for two years and wanted to marry him.  When she felt anxious about his indecision, she recommitted to the relationship instead of trying to change him.  She created a space where he was loved and accepted no matter what.  Now they are engaged.

HERE I COME

When you are ready to be a wife and have given your relationship time to grow, move on and choose someone who can co-create your vision. 

You can’t marry someone until you marry yourself.  What you create will begin and end with you.  So…Ready or Not:  Which are you?

Dr. Sherman is the author of, ‘Dating From The Inside-Out: Using The Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart,’ being published by Atria Books in February 2008.  Director of ‘My Dating School’ www.mydatingschool.com in Manhattan, she offers classes in dating issues & coaching.  She is a monthly speaker at The Learning Annex, a dating expert on radio and television shows and has been quoted in publications such as ‘Glamour’ magazine.  Dr. Sherman is a Licensed Psychologist and a certified empowerment coach, specializing in helping clients date successfully, while facilitating insight.