Unconscious Mating

Q:  How much of your faith should you include in your online profile? Why?

A:  The answer to this depends upon the extent to which you prioritize your faith.  An extremely religious person whose faith is central would want to address this right away.  For that person, it would be disruptive to become too emotionally involved with a partner who had a very disparate lifestyle.  For singles whose faith is more relative, it’s okay to leave it out.  These daters may want to reveal themselves over time and discern how willing they are to compromise and embrace an evolving vision of what faith could look like in their relationship.

Q: How about early emails with potential dates? How much should you reveal? Why?

A :  In early emails people often begin by sharing basic information such as past times, hobbies, favorite places, travel etc.  Slowly partners share about increasingly important things. It is good to be honest from the start but also appropriate to share parts of yourself over time, allowing intimacy to gradually deepen.  The reason for this is because there is a temptation to place a potential date in a ‘box’ based upon religion, nationality, political orientation etc.  While these things are important, no one thing represents a person on a deep level.  Thus, it is important to know someone and to be known over time to get a complete and experiential picture.

Q: What’s the downside of waiting a while to talk about your religious beliefs? Why?
A: I have witnessed the downside of waiting too long to talk about religion.  I had a coaching client who came to me upon ending a good relationship of 2 years over this issue.  He was Jewish and she was Christian.  Neither had wanted to rock the boat by bringing up this issue.  She always figured that they would both compromise and create a joint experience of faith.  He assumed that she would convert to Judaism if they married.  When the relationship reached the level of engagement, religious differences became a deal breaker and they ended the relationship.  The real underlying issue was one of no open communication, not respecting the importance of faith for each one of them and the inability to create a shared vision they could both accept.  I am not suggesting that he should have compromised his faith; I am saying that if he was clear sooner and had communicated this position, it would have been better for them both.

Q: In your opinion, what’s the “right” time to have a talk about religious attitudes and practices? Why?

A: In my opinion, the best time to discuss religious beliefs and practices is briefly in the beginning (to discern extreme definite positions) and then again in greater depth a few months after becoming exclusive.  The reason for this is that for as long as you can date other people, you can enjoy your date as is without ‘wasting time.’  Once you close the door on other dating possibilities, your job is to see if there is a good fit long-term.  This determination includes examining issues like religion, money, children, values etc.  Perhaps most importantly, religion is just one platform for observing the level of mutual respect, compromise and authentic communication between partners.  There will be many challenges and what counts is whether you can find a mutually satisfying way to face them together.

Q: What’s the best way to handle it if you realize the other person doesn’t sync up with you on religion?

A: The best way to handle it if the other person does not synch up with your religion is to look at how that will affect your life going forward.  If you are not planning to have children and just want a companion, perhaps this discrepancy would affect your daily life, values and priorities very little.  If you intend to marry and raise children together in a certain faith, you need to look at how you and your partner are willing to compromise and whether you can embrace compromise down the road.  After taking an honest look, if you are not happy with this choice, end the relationship and be honest.  Let them know they are a wonderful person and you wish the circumstances were different. Explain that upon introspection you cannot in good faith embrace a future that is not aligned with your higher self, nor marry a partner whom you do not fully accept.

Dr. Sherman is the author of, ‘Dating From The Inside-Out: Using The Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart,’ being published by Atria Books in February 2008.  Director of ‘My Dating School’ www.mydatingschool.com in Manhattan, she offers classes in dating issues & coaching.  She is a monthly speaker at The Learning Annex, a dating expert on radio and television shows and has been quoted in publications such as ‘Glamour’ magazine.  Dr. Sherman is a Licensed Psychologist and a certified empowerment coach, specializing in helping clients date successfully, while facilitating insight.