Unconscious Mating

Lay your Relationship on the Line

By Dr. Paulette Sherman

Deal-Breakers

I have a friend who was in a relationship with a man that she loves.  She is 40 years old and what matters most to her is marriage and having children.  She started dating this man knowing that he was divorced and had kids.  In the beginning he said that he would consider marriage and children with her but after they moved in together, he said that he did not want children and was not sure if he wanted to remarry.  She was heart broken because she already loved him.  She thought about artificial insemination but he said he would not stay with her if she chose to raise a baby, even if it was not his.  She had to weigh what was most important to her and what she was willing to give up for a relationship. 

There may be times when it is worth it to change your designated course for something wonderful that shows up instead, but you have to be clear with yourself about the cost.  When we act on our feelings without thinking things through, we can make impulsive choices.  Often the best relationships are aligned with who you are and what is most important for you.  My friend recently decided that she was not willing to give up her opportunity of having a baby.  For her this issue was a deal breaker.

Love-Makers

The other side of this dating story is that sometimes people have so many intellectual expectations that they won’t let their heart get to know a person.  Many of my clients have lists of requirements for their perfect mate, including their height, career and bank account.  While it is important to know what you want, you can be committed to manifesting a certain kind of relationship, without becoming so attached to the way it will look.  For example, a man may be fantastic and caring and be an inch shorter than your ideal cutoff.  So many daters miss wonderful mates by having unrealistic, superficial lists and missing the person right before them.  So while it is key to stand firm on your Deal- Breakers, it is equally important to give up some of your superfluous requirements in favor of something that is solid, lasting and real.  A love connection goes beyond the outside packaging to the truth of who that person really is. 

Which Category Are You?

So the next time you are standing at a romantic crossroads and find yourself debating ‘Yeah or nay?’…just ask yourself, where do I fall?  Is my list too narrow or wide?  Then look inside to determine your next romantic move.

Dr. Sherman is the author of, ‘Dating From The Inside-Out: Using The Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart,’ being published by Atria Books in February 2008.  Director of ‘My Dating School’ www.mydatingschool.com in Manhattan, she offers classes in dating issues & coaching.  She is a monthly speaker at The Learning Annex, a dating expert on radio and television shows and has been quoted in publications such as ‘Glamour’ magazine.  Dr. Sherman is a Licensed Psychologist and a certified empowerment coach, specializing in helping clients date successfully, while facilitating insight.