Unconscious Mating

The premise of my column ‘that we attract who we are’ means that we repeat the familiar until we make it conscious and release it.  Then we can create something new.

Vic (one of my readers) wrote me.  She is 67 and is still passionate about attracting love.  Her father loved her but was not demonstrative.  Although she was married and had infatuations she never felt love full of warmth, trust, honesty, fulfillment and fidelity.  She’s been friends with a man for over 20 years whom she does not love that way.  She was moved by my description of love and wanted to know how she could create love like that at 67.  Her question seemed perfect for the Spring issue which focuses upon renewal.

There may be a connection between the dynamic Vic had with her father and the relationships that she has created.  Her relationships may have been comfortable but they were never truly expressive and fulfilling.  The type of love Vic most desires lies dormant, wanting to resurface.  First it needs to be dug up, given warmth, attention and time.

My suggestions would be threefold:

Vic can spend time revisiting the love she had with her father.  Although he is gone, their relationship lives inside her.  Her father told Vic that he loved her but had a hard time showing it.  It is important to access his love.  This does not mean that she should deny his limitations; it just means that Vic can love him for all that he is and all that he is not.  Being able to accept that love will free her to develop intimacy with a man and love him full out.

Secondly, Vic may need to forgive herself.  Children often make up a story like, ‘I am unlovable’ when they aren’t shown the love that they craved.  Many times they blame their parent’s limitations on themselves.  We are all worthy of love.  As adults we can become the parents we need.  This seems like a catch 22 because we were never taught how to do it!  Vic can notice if she gives herself warmth, fidelity, fulfillment, trust and honesty.  Only when that becomes familiar to her will she be open to attracting and receiving more of this in her life.  As Vic becomes the parent she did not experience, she can examine its presence (or absence) of every quality that she wants to manifest.  For example, is Vic honest with herself and others at work and in her relationships?  If she were how uncomfortable would it feel?  This process of self-nurturance will allow Vic to own and radiate what she wants to attract.

Some people can take this idea and integrate it through journaling, self-nurturance, practice and reflection.  Others may need a guide to get ‘out of the box’ of the familiar.  Therapy is a good way to grow and to practice on new possibilities in the context of a relationship.

We all need to own something in order to recognize it in others.  As we create a new experience of love in life, we will draw that match.  Practice giving the love you seek.  Show everyone in your life they are worthy of abundant affection and cherishment.

Vic, it is never too late to love or date.  Thank you for sharing yourself and for letting us grow with you.  It’s a wonderful first step.

My best in love,

Dr. Date

Dr. Sherman is the author of, ‘Dating From The Inside-Out: Using The Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart,’ being published by Atria Books in February 2008.  Director of ‘My Dating School’ www.mydatingschool.com in Manhattan, she offers classes in dating issues & coaching.  She is a monthly speaker at The Learning Annex, a dating expert on radio and television shows and has been quoted in publications such as ‘Glamour’ magazine.  Dr. Sherman is a Licensed Psychologist and a certified empowerment coach, specializing in helping clients date successfully, while facilitating insight.