Unconscious Mating

By: Dr. Paulette Kouffman

When I was on my honeymoon, we asked a couple who had been married 30 years what their secret was.  The woman said, ‘Commitment.  Even when you hate each other for periods of time, you need to always come back to the commitment that you made.’  At the time my husband and I thought that sounded awful (or at least not very romantic) but there is a lot of truth to it.   You can’t control the other person or expect them to make you happy.  In the end, you can work on the kind of partner that you are being and honor your own commitment to your relationship.

5 tips for living a Forever Love include:

1-Take Responsibility- In life-long relationships we develop a lot of baggage and grievances.  It is easy to point fingers at our partner and use it to justify why we have stopped being loving.  A challenging thing to do is to check if who we are being in the relationship corresponds to the type of relationship that we want to create.  Begin by looking at yourself.

2-Appreciate- When we date, we appreciate the hell out of the other person.  Somehow when we marry, we begin to pick on all their bad qualities.  It is important to find things that you love about your spouse daily and shower him with love.

3-Communicate- Let your partner know what you need, without demanding or blaming.
Don’t expect them to ‘just know’ if you haven’t shared it.  Be open to learning what they need too.

4-Have fun- Lifelong relationships often require many joint responsibilities. It’s important to laugh and have fun together.  Create a regular window of carefree time to enjoy each other’s company.

5-Hold the Vision- Relationships change over time.  Every once in awhile, you can create a vision of the next phase of your relationship-how you’d like to be together and things you’d like to enjoy and co-create.  Share this with your partner and see if you can get on the same page about holding a vision that inspires you both.
Dr. Sherman is the author of, ‘Dating From The Inside-Out: Using The Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart,’ being published by Atria Books in February 2008.  Director of ‘My Dating School’ www.mydatingschool.com in Manhattan, she offers classes in dating issues & coaching.  She is a monthly speaker at The Learning Annex, a dating expert on radio and television shows and has been quoted in publications such as ‘Glamour’ magazine.  Dr. Sherman is a Licensed Psychologist and a certified empowerment coach, specializing in helping clients date successfully, while facilitating insight.