Unconscious Mating

In today’s blog I just want to wish everyone a terrific 4^th of July! Ironically, as a married woman with a child I’ve been too busy to post regularly so I am taking a moment now to write a quick blog. A few singles have expressed to me that holidays like the 4^th of July can be tough because they aren’t dating anyone special. I understand this and recognize that the fireworks can be romantic and the media also hypes up these holidays so it can be hard not to have expectations around them in our mind sometimes. I agree that it’s great to have a loved one to share special days with and hopefully when the time is right you will have this (if you want it).  But I always say there are at least two sides to any story so today I was hoping to make you smile by suggesting that Independence Day can be a great day to acknowledge some fun things about being single. Here are 10 to start you off. I figured my readers could continue by adding their own. So whether you are young or old, male or female, single, committed or married, I hope you have a great night tonight and celebrate where you are today.

10 Fun Reasons to Celebrate Your Singlehood & Independence:

1.        You can do whatever you want, whenever you want

2.       You compromise less

3.       You have less responsibilities

4.       You can meet lots of people before settling down

5.       You can spend more time with yourself doing hobbies, reading and traveling

6.       You never have to ask someone to pick up their socks or put the toilet seat down

7.       You can decorate the way you want and choose all your own videos/movies

8.       You can sprawl out and hog the whole bed

9.       You can take time to really learn about yourself before choosing a mate

10.   You have your whole love life ahead of you and can have many new adventures!

Hope this made you smile. Feel free to add more perks about being single below. Happy 4^th!

My Best in Love,

Paulette Kouffman Sherman

www.mydatingschool.com

My husband and I rent a lot of Netflix movies these days and a friend of mine recommended that I see ‘The Goodbye Girl’ starring Marsha Mason. We were discussing how past rejection can affect singles going forward in dating. The film was about a woman who had been left multiple times by men to whom she’d given her heart. In the film our heroine appeared talented, smart and attractive and she just couldn’t understand why this was ‘her fate’ when it came to men and love. This pattern made her draw several limiting conclusions; conclusions that limited her future love life:

Men will constantly leave her

She was unlucky in love

She could not trust what her romantic partner told her

She would always be alone

Do you remember times when your past painful experiences have stopped you from taking risks in the present? 

This film was interesting because we saw our heroines love pattern from the perspective of others in her life. Her perspective date/new love partner was a nice honest guy who truly cared for her. At one point he blew up at her and said that he was tired of paying for all the things that these lousy guys did to her! From the start his intentions were good but she would not trust him or let him in. She kept playing out the past stories of betrayal in her head and she immediately saw this new man as the next love villain, despite his consistently positive actions towards her.

Our heroine’s daughter (who in the film is only 12 years old) signals to her mom that this guy is different. When the mom says that he is ‘not her type’ the daughter says that maybe that is a good thing. Here we consider that maybe our heroine is not merely a victim of ‘men in general’ but that she is perhaps picking men based upon an unconscious ‘type’ and that the ‘type’ of man she normally chooses will treat her badly and will subsequently leave her. This is an important realization because it is something that our heroine can control if she is able to choose a different ‘type’ of man this time. If she looked at the behavior of her past partners versus the treatment by her current love interest, she would see that there is a noticeable difference. Her current love interest is always there when she needs him, he is caring towards her and her daughter when they are upset and he is always honest with her.

My book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ has a section on unconscious dating that will help you identify your ‘love type’ and learn about the ways that it sabotages you. It will also help you get clear on the type of mate you’d like to choose instead and how to recognize him.

Anyway, it takes our heroine awhile to see her love type but she begins to come around and despite past fears she takes a risk in the present and begins to have a different kind of relationship. She is very happy and they begin to enjoy the present and even plan for their future a bit by decorating their apartment etc. Then he gets a job offer that will require him to be away for four months and she freaks out. Her past wounds are infected and she immediately thinks, ‘This is it! Now he is going to leave me!’ She regresses back into her old story rather than believing him when he says that it is just a job and he’ll be back.

I don’t want to give away the end of the movie. I am just using the plot here to elucidate a common pattern that happens while dating. It is almost like people are unconsciously dating their exes instead of getting to know someone new in the present. If this is something you do, in order to protect yourself, hopefully this article will help you consider the negative consequences of living in the past. Maybe if you see this movie, you will remember that in any moment you can take a risk to vibrate something new about love and to write a new romantic story. This includes changing what you feel about love and sometimes who you are picking as a mate. Try to give everyone a chance and base your conclusions on their actions in the present. This will afford you the best chance at success.

There was one last thing in the film that I thought was interesting, because it smacked of our heroine taking some responsibility. When she thinks that her new love interest is going to leave her permanently for this job, instead of cursing and falling to pieces like she usually does, she tells him that she wishes him well and for the first time she knows she will be okay and says that she is in a better place than ever before. Of course she is upset that they are parting but she implies that she will be okay and will take care of herself. This reminds me of a poem that I’d like to share, for those Goodbye Girls (or guys) who are so afraid of being rejected or left in love, again. It is written by an anonymous poet:

Comes The Dawn

After awhile you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn that love doesn’t mean security

And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns

If you get too much

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure…

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth

And you learn and learn

With every goodbye you learn

***

To me this message does not mean that you should become super independent and miss out on intimacy. It doesn’t mean that you stop trusting others.   It means that goodbyes do happen in life and nothing is a guarantee. So once you can accept this as a possible part of love, you can move on without paralyzing fear and know that you will create a great life for yourself no matter what. And who knows-maybe it will last forever and you will share it with that same someone? You can only do your part and keep open your resilient heart.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

 ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS! 

Related Links:

http://www.netflix.com/Movie/The_Goodbye_Girl/553711?lnkce=seRtLn&trkid=222336&lnkctr=srchrd-sr&strkid=1795517189_0_0

This morning I was emailed a link to a Tango article about a new book called, ‘Smart Girl’s Marry Money’ by Elizabeth Ford and Daniella Drake. Of course the title itself is provocative. I have not read the book but I did read the interview by the authors and it made me consider some of the issues and the premise discussed, particularly in light of the recent recession. Here are my thoughts about the following issues:

1.       IS FINANCIAL SECURITY MORE LASTING THAN LOVE?

One thing that was brought up was that in the past, women married for money, status and security (not love) and there was less divorce. A change in zeitgeist occurred and now we believe that marriage is a promise that we will make each other happy and we will remain in love for a lifetime. The authors’ argument might be that money is more stable than feelings. There is usually some truth in everything, so I can understand the wish to commit your life to something stable and lasting, like a dollar bill. The idea that money will be there for you long after your husband would (emotionally) is a sad notion. A slightly more melancholy thought is that nothing in life is completely stable and lasts forever (I think Tolstoy said it first!) So we can only commit to do our part with things and then let the chips fall as they may (with finances, the universe, our partner etc). No book can reliably promise you a happy ending. Your spouse could become a gambler or lose his money in many ways and then what would you have? The idea of love is that it forebears all situations, ideally and is therefore stronger then outside forces. 

2.       THERE ARE ALWAYS HARD THINGS TO DEAL WITH IN MARRIAGE: IT’S WHICH ONES YOU CHOOSE:

Sure, it’s hard to have financial difficulties in marriage when you have children and responsibilities. This can cause arguments and stress and may require you to make sacrifices and grow stronger in areas of budgeting, saving and producing income. It is work. However, isn’t there also a price or cost for living in a loveless marriage? I have heard reports of loneliness, emptiness and wives feeling that they sold themselves out. This is a hard way to live. If you start out your marriage not loving the other person (and make a deal with yourself that is okay) then you need to be at peace with the lack of love down the road. Whereas money is something that can ostensibly shift through education and life experience, it may be harder to create love in a marriage 10 years later (when that was not the original expectation).

3.       THE REAL SECURITY IS ALWAYS IN US:

Part of the reason that marriages fail is that we do not trust our own choice of mate and we break the commitment that we made. The usual vows include loving our mate, being loyal to them, caring for them while sick etc. When we feel less in love, when they hurt us or we feel neglected, we want out. We imagine that we’ll be happier alone. We think we made the wrong choice of mate.  We doubt ourselves and them and just want to escape. At those times, both people can remember their vows and try to redouble their efforts. Similarly, if you marry for money instead and the family fortune suddenly becomes lost, wouldn’t that provoke a divorce?  Just look at all those relationships with ibankers that suddenly went bust when there was a round of recession layoffs. In the end we can’t control what our partners’ do we can only do our best to honor the commitment we made and to trust the values that led us to do it.

4.       WHATS GOOD FOR THE GANDER ALSO WORKS FOR THE GOOSE:

One of the author’s Elizabeth Ford, said in her interview, ‘…but the fact is in our culture women as they age are devalued, and that’s a crying shame.’ While this is true, isn’t it equally a shame to devalue men just because they are not rich? I can see how knowingly marrying a man who is a gambler or is very irresponsible with money might not be a great move, but does marrying a man who makes a basic living and is a wonderful person stupid? I’d probably have to read the book to see how these authors would answer this question but so far, I don’t agree. 

I think ideally every person would be able to care for themselves and would come together in love, to share a life, for richer or poorer and all that. There will be obstacles-whether it be financial, health, emotional, sexual etc and hopefully both partners will work together to form lasting stability and security over time.

5.       BEING REALISTIC AND CONSCIOUS IS IMPORTANT:

One thing I do agree with is that ‘falling in love’ is not always a lasting feeling so it is hard to start a marriage based upon the notion that you will always feel that happy. You may at times hate your partner or want to take a break. You may doubt your choice and feel lonely and sad for periods of time. This may even be more ‘the norm’ in a life time marriage then you’d think (based upon television etc).   I once heard that an analyst and marital therapist was asked if she ever thought about divorce in her own marriage and she said, ‘Divorce no, but murder, many times, yes.’ So maybe in the olden days arranged marriages worked because they were more like a job and transient things like passion and feelings were not factored in. Expectations were kept low and so was intimacy. This does not mean that love is not important in marriage. Love actually includes things like anger, disappointment, exploring your mutual shadow parts, arguing, struggling etc. This premise probably would not make for a bestselling book but I think it’s true.

My dating book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ is based upon the notion of marrying for real love but it also helps the reader to date consciously. This means that instead of marrying just based upon passion and chemistry, it helps the reader define her true essentials for a mate, search out and consider possible red flags and points of conflict and to discern with both heart and head if that partnership would work before committing to it. 

For some, a lot of money is an essential and to acknowledge this would guide them to choose a rich mate. For others attention, love and mutual mission and ideals are more important than their bank roll. The important point is to know yourself well so that you can define your own vision of security and intelligent mate selection.

The aforementioned dating book appears to be selling very well, so I would invite those of you who agree with their premise to add your comments as well. Given the recession, money in relationships is more on the radar than before so singles are evaluating how important it is for them in mate selection and why.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

www.mydatingschool.com

 Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

 ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS! 

           Related Links:

http://www.yourtango.com/200921645/why-its-better-marry-money

http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Girls-Marry-Money-Dream/product-reviews/0762435178/ref=cm_cr_dp_synop?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&sortBy=bySubmissionDateDescending#REY8XUH8VSW7C

Okay, so as a psychologist specializing in dating I’ve heard of speed dating, multiple singles events and trips, singles cruises and vacations but this is a new one…the airlines have begun playing match maker too! There is never a dull moment in dating. So, how does this work?

I’ve pasted a few press releases below (under related links) that describe how South West Airlines and Air New Zealand have begun doing speed dating midflight and passengers have met and married. In the words of South West airlines each couple gets six minutes to find out if there’s a “LUV” connection, and when time’s up they will hear … “DING! You’re now Free to Move About the Country,” and then it’s on to the next date. Southwest Airlines provides peanuts while guests sip on “LUV” potions. A Match Sheet card given to participants at the door allows speed-daters to discreetly make notes throughout the evening and sign onto the Cupid.com Web site to confidentially log their selections-simply deciding “Let’s Talk” or “No Thanks.”Southwest Airlines is known as the LUV Airline, comprising not only a Company of planes but, more importantly, a Company of hearts.

Air New Zealand launched a matchmaking flight on October 13, 2009 that will depart from Los Angeles, bound for Auckland, on a specially-themed flight, ahead of the dual Hemisphere singles’ party of the year - the Great Matchmaking Ball at Auckland’s SKYCITY Convention Centre. Before take-off, Matchmaking Flight passengers will enjoy a pre-flight gate party at LAX and then themed food, drink, entertainment and games throughout the flight. Waiting for them in New Zealand will be a fabulous, singles-only party and accommodation at the five-star SKYCITY Grand Hotel in Auckland.  Tickets will go on sale soon, to the Great Matchmaking Ball to be held on Friday, October 15, at SKYCITY. Matchmaking Flight ticket holders and partygoers are now invited to upload an online dating profile at www.thematchmakingflight.com, a social environment created for American and New Zealand singles to start connecting before the flight.

So, if you want to say you met your transcontinental soul mate in the heavens, this may be for you. I think the airlines need to throw in some major incentives like a large amount of frequent flier mileage per couple so they can continue dating and a free honeymoon flight if they marry! Also, if they need a psychologist to give a transcontinental flight workshop on dating, I’ve always wanted to go see the koala bears!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

http://www.mydatingschool.com

                  Related Links:

http://phx.corporate-ir.net/phoenix.zhtml?c=92562&p=irol-newsArticle_Print&ID=1107470&highlight=

http://www.etravelblackboard.us/showarticle.asp?id=88965

I just finished reading a great book called, ‘The Circle of Simplicity’ by Cecile Andrews. Her philosophy inspired me so I am applying a few of the categories that she mentions in her book to my specialty: our relationships. I would highly suggest getting her book about making life simple and getting to the essence of things (particularly in these times)!

Dating is often associated with wining and dining (or otherwise impressing) a partner. The truth is that when we are focused on the flashy outer things (whether it’s his car or the fancy restaurant, we are less observant of the inner things like how we feel with our date, their character, interests, intelligence and soulful qualities. It is in stillness and simplicity that these aspects stand out. My book, ‘Dating from the Inside Out’ explores how to learn about your date (and yourself) on a soul level. But today I am going to suggest some ways to date (if married, your spouse; if single, your date) without breaking the bank, needing to plan a lot or impress. Many of these ideas would be tried after you’ve known someone for awhile.

Here are 7 ideas to encourage simplicity in relationships:

1.       Sleep: Take a nap together in the park on a blanket or (if you know the person well) in bed. ½ of adults do not sleep enough and this affects our emotional and physical health, as well as our concentration. You will be doing each other a service- it will be relaxing and intimate, plus, it’s free!

2.       Be in Nature: Take a hike together, go camping and meet up early to see the sun rise or take a walk with a big umbrella in the rain.

3.       Community:  Get to know the people you each care about and you’ll quadruple your fun and learning. Often singles are afraid to introduce their dates to friends too soon but if it’s been a month and they don’t mind, why not? They are going to meet them anyway! You can have a potluck so it’s not expensive and this takes care of community, food and entertainment.

4.       Cook together: So much money is wasted eating out and it’s not as healthy or fun.   Shopping and cooking together is intimate.  You create something together and learn what the other likes.

5.       Read together or go to a free lecture: Nothing stimulates a relationship like growing and inspiring one another. Get some books at the library and read together on the beach or at a park. You can even read the same book and discuss it. You’ll learn a lot about each other like this, and it’s free! You can also share a free concert or lecture and share reactions.

6.       Declutter: A great way to simplify is to free up space and donate things you no longer need or use. Put on some music and go through your books or photos together. You can also go through clothes. Create a pile of things to toss, give away or donate. Your space will feel great and you will both feel generous giving to someone who can use these things. You will also learn something new about your partner by hearing stories about the pictures or objects.

7.       Stop Doing Automatic Time Fillers: Notice if you watch television together a lot and try to do something new like taking a walk or going biking. If you shop a lot for clothes or other items together, try to lessen this (Americans average 6 hours of shopping a week) and do something else that is more spiritual and less materialistic. Can you go through what you do have to find something that will serve that need or desire?

I hope you enjoy these ideas. If you try one with your partner, let me know how it went.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

Related Links

http://www.amazon.com/Circle-Simplicity-Return-Good-Life/dp/0060928727/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242259984&sr=1-1

With Mother’s Day around the bend, another type of Love to examine would be a mother’s love. So today’s blog is a tribute to the mothers we are, the mothers that we have in our lives (biological or otherwise) and the mother’s we are becoming. I hope you will acknowledge this incredible energy this Sunday and will continue to bring it to your relationships. We experience it in many ways including Mother Earth (nature), Mother Teresa (spiritual healers in our midst) and auxiliary mother figures in our lives (like teachers, close friends, pet owners etc). Maternal energy is not limited to the mother-child dyad.

Here are some of the things (just a list of 25) that mother’s do to protect, support and nurture us:

-communicate telepathically

-get up at all hours of the night

-comfort us whenever we’re sad

-listen

-advise us

-teach us about relationships

-nurse us when we’re sick

-Put our needs first many times

-comfort us when we’re scared

-know all of our strengths and weaknesses

-witness our whole history

-feed us & clothe us (when we’re young)

-teach us values and knowledge

-build our self esteem

-build our skill base and facilitate our talents

-get us special help when we need it

-make us laugh and play with us

-believe in us even when we are down

-remember and celebrate every holiday

-gave birth to us!

-nurture our creativity and imagination

-teach us to deal with and communicate our feelings

-teach us discipline

-teach us to withstand optimal frustration (so we can manage in imperfect circumstances)

-provide a safe home base and environment

I’m sure that there are many more but you get the idea. And all this…for free! Most mothers invest in you with all their hearts and one thing is for sure, if it was not for them, we would not be here.

So let’s give our thanks to mothers this weekend. I am dedicating this blog to my mom and grandmother. This is also my own first Mother’s day (because my son will soon be one year’s old) so I am starting to experience the wonders of mother’s love from the inside out myself.

Happy Mother’s day everyone!

My Best in Love,

Paulette

http://www.mydatingschool.com

Today I am going to discuss love in later life, from 55 years old on. If you’ve been divorced, widowed or you focused on your career (never married or partnered up) and really want tow, this article could be for you. 

Often folks in this category feel they are at a DISADVANTAGED DATER for these reasons:

-they never really dated much and don’t know how

-they’re not familiar with internet resources and online dating

-they have never attended a singles event

-they tell themselves ‘it’s too late to find love’

-they think potential dates only want younger partners

-they feel everyone their age is taken (no one is in their boat).

-they are settled in life and afraid to take risks and make changes

-fear no one will measure up to their late spouse and that dating now is disloyal

-feel that dating is only appropriate for ‘the young.’

These are common fears and road blocks to finding love in later life but once you know what stops you, you can do something about it. Do not let your fears, untrained abilities or judgments impede your success in life. The truth is there may be a terrific counterpart somewhere sitting there thinking the same thing! Remember, it only takes one person you really like (and who really likes you) to begin a romance that can turn your life around!

So, here are some ADVANTAGES OF DATING IN LATER LIFE. Hopefully they will give you a positive energy boost to help you view your possibilities more favorably!

-We become wiser and know ourselves more with time

-We know what we need in a mate more as we age (and therefore choose better)

-We have more time to enjoy ourselves and share things

-There is niche dating to prove you are not alone. www.AARPmag.com has a dating section, there are singles cruises for over 55, singles events over 55, online dating sites for seniors, clubs and dances and tons of activities at senior centers etc. See some links below.

-It is never too late to grow. You can always have your grandchild or have a neighbor teach you how to use the internet. My book ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ walks you through how to set up your online profile and lists dating resources in the back.

-This is the time to have adventures and focus on you! You have raised your kids, focused on your career and taken care of others your whole life. Now you can relax, slow down and enjoy yourself. You can check out www.elderhostel.com and take a trip around the world with other folks your age.

-There are dating discounts for seniors! Restaurants have senior discounts like IHOP. Movie theaters like Regal Cinema and AMC theaters  offer senior discounts. For a romantic mini break, South West air lines is 25-75% off for seniors. Some car rentals are cheaper too. You can always ask your local place if they have a senior discount.

 -You have nothing to lose (and everything to gain) by trying! Once you retire, all you have is time. You could make someone who is lonesome very happy by taking the time to go out and get to know them. You don’t have to get married. Maybe you’ll just expand you world and make a new friend.

-You have more to share. You can reminisce and share stories about your past together, including your family, hobbies, work etc and you can share your dreams about recreating your selves now and what you’d like to create in your later part of life, going forward. It is great to have someone to reflect with, who can support who you are and what you have achieved. They can also be there for all future celebrations such as birthdays and holidays. These have probably doubled because now you have the celebrations of grandchildren, elderly friends etc.

-At the end of your life, what is most important? Isn’t it the love we gave and received? So do not sell yourself short. It is never too late to make new connections and mutually enrich your lives.

If any of my readers over 55 have found love in later life and want to share, please do. If you have particular questions about dating, feel free to ask.

I’ve listed a few resources below.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

 ALSO, IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

         Related Links:

http://www.allsinglestravel.com/SENIOR_SINGLES_TRAVEL.htm

http://seniortravel.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=seniortravel&cdn=travel&tm=185&gps=106_30_1579_724&f=00&su=p284.9.336.ip_p531.50.336.ip_&tt=3&bt=1&bts=1&zu=http%3A//www.languagesabroad.com/

http://www.osolomio.com/faqs/what-is-the-age-range-of-o-solo-mio-travelers.html?Itemid=25

http://www.aarp.org/leisure/travel?CMP=KNC-360I-GOOGLE-LEI-TRV&HBX_OU=50&HBX_PK=senior_cruises

This morning I heard an internet dating show by a dating expert who advised a male caller to conform to dating norms instead of being true to himself. This single man did not like to have sex on the first few dates . He was attractive and would meet women in a bar who wanted to immediately sleep with him.  He preferred to get to know them a bit and liked to wait about a month to sleep with someone new. He said this was in line with his values and that he also feared STD’s and would like to ‘let the boat float, until we find land.’ Personally, I thought this man sounded funny, articulate, honest and sensitive.

The dating expert (Evan Marc Katz) told him that women like men who are masculine, confident and a leader.   The caller replied that is ‘just an image’ but Evan said that when a guy doesn’t build attraction and act like a leader, that the woman may assume that he is gay and afraid. He advised people to ask themselves this question when they are outside the mainstream, ‘Am I willing to go outside the mainstream and fit with others to get better results?’ or, they will continue to alienate others. Evan suggested that this caller compromise and find a middle ground (like fooling around sexually right away). The caller countered Evan saying that he was advising him to become like everyone else. Evan replied that he should get past his ‘17 year old way of thinking’ or he’ll continue to have this problem.

Now, I don’t know Evan Marc Katz and he may be a nice person and a good coach but this particular topic got my goat so I decided that it’s a good one to explore on this rainy Monday morning. Evan’s latter advice at worst sounded shaming and at best was results-oriented without looking deeper at the authentic process of finding your life mate. This is what my book, ‘Dating From the Inside Out’ specifically covers. It helps singles be true to themselves and commit to who they are so that they can find a mate who appreciates it. 

Most coaches may feel that their advice should be results oriented, so if this man wants to be more successful in dating, he should understand what woman want and do that—in a nutshell, he should, ‘do what works.’ In theory this premise makes sense, as does the philosophy that life isn’t black and white so it is good to read social cues in relationships and compromise.

Having said this, my own philosophy is that in this world we are all different. Many of us pander to fit in, be ‘normal’ and please others in attempt to ‘look good’ and be successful. In the end we each determine for ourselves what success really means and whether it’s more important than being ourselves and pleasing ourselves. I tend to think that when we are self-accepting and authentic, the right partner will stick around. 

It is true that some women will judge Dan (the single caller) for stalling women in their quest to bed him. Dan can communicate his intention to wait a bit, letting them know that this is how he feels and why and assuring them that he likes them and wants to be intimate in time. This serves the function of remaining true to himself and his values while letting women know that he is attracted to them and is romantically interested.

As women (or prospective dates) it’s important that we let go of our preconceived ideas of how things ‘should go’ and seek to understand our date. Dan is an example of this. He seems like he could be a wonderful partner and some woman might not give him a chance because they presume that he is gay or asexual. So as a date it’s important to observe your stereotypes and judgments and give people a chance to reveal who they are over time. This is the underlying premise of my book because I often see that singles fall in love with ‘the idea of a person or a relationship’ instead of consciously getting to know another person and themselves! This is a missed opportunity in spiritual growth!

So I encourage Dan (and others like him) to continue to honor himself and his values and to share them on dates. There may be some woman out there who are thrilled that he is honest, not a player and that he values intimacy on many levels.

I hope this article prompts you to consider where you may have sold out or compromised your ‘true self’ in order to achieve ‘dating success’ and whether in the end, this will really serve you.

I welcome your examples and comments.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

Bio:

Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman is a licensed psychologist and author of ‘Dating From the Inside Out: How to Use the Law of Attraction in Matters of the Heart’ published by Atria Books. She’s the Director of http://www.mydatingschool.com which offers coaching and classes in dating issues. She was a speaker at The Learning Annex for over two years and an expert on television shows such as the CBS Early Show & the AM Northwest Early Show and radio shows like ‘the Curtis Sliwa show’ on 77WABC. She has been quoted as a relationship expert in MSN.com, USA Weekend, the NY Post, Newsweek, Lifetime.com, More, Match.com, Foxnews.com, Reader’s Digest, Redbook, Glamour, ‘Seventeen, Complete Woman’ magazine and the NY Times. 

 IF YOU’D LIKE TO ASK ME A QUESTION ABOUT DATING, LOVE OR MARRIAGE, EMAIL ME AT kpaulet@verizon.net.  I WILL TRY TO ANSWER YOU (anonymously) IN A COLUMN.  THANKS!

      Related Links:

http://cyberdatingexpert.com/ask-the-cyber-dating-expert-radio-show-with-evan-marc-katz

http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/

We went to see the Gazillion Bubble Show which was performed by Ana Fang (who won the Guinness book of World Records for getting the most people inside a bubble)!  One thing I really liked is that it made you feel that in the pursuit of passion, success is possible.  I imagined what a lot of parents would say if their adult son or daughter said, ‘Mom, I love bubbles and want to make them my life’s work.’ Many would encourage it to remain a hobby, others would discourage the idea as crazy and some might even send their child to a therapist! While it is a parent’s job to ground, protect and prepare their child for independence, sometimes parental fears instill limiting beliefs in children that stifle their passions and their scope of possibility.

Interestingly, children are the opposite before they become socialized. A child in the audience behind me was watching these miraculous bubbles and said to her dad, ‘Daddy, I can do that when we get home. I can do it!’ It reminded me of how my mom would take me to the museum when I was little and I’d look at some of the modern art painting  (for what seemed like one million years) and say, ‘I can do that!’ Now of course I could not ‘do that’ because I did not have the experience and mastery but children do have the energy, excitement and sense of possibility to try anything and that is great!

The Fangs are living examples of making a bizarre dream a reality.  They probably have toiled many years perfecting their knowledge and showmanship with bubbles and today they have their own show in NY and are touring internationally. They were on Oprah and many popular shows.

During the recession (a time of scarcity) it’s important to remember that dreams are possible if we work really hard and are consistently passionate about their fruition and value.

At the end of the show there are lazar lights and bubbles everywhere. Half the audience is kids and they are all jumping everywhere trying to catch the bubbles. It is a magical scene that takes you back to that childlike state of experiencing joy and creation in every moment.

Now would this be a good first date? Personally, I think it’s one she’d never forget! It is definitely something that neither of you have ever seen before. And it could be inspiring for the reasons I’ve mentioned.

Is there a downside? It isn’t cheap. Although my husband enjoyed it, he pointed out that most people might not say, ‘$90 tickets (for two) to see some beautiful bubbles? Sign me up!’ He also said that most people would go to this show to bring a kid and see the excitement on their faces. They might not go as two adults. In fact, many audience reviewers said it wasn’t worth the ticket price but that it would have been fun for $20 a ticket.

While I agree with thse comments, and I think the structure of the show was a bit cheesy, if you can afford it and want an original experience-I still say go! It’ll get you out of your somber cubicle and your head and it might return you to a state of wonder and fun where anything is possible. It will make you smile and will might remind you that with hard work, initiative and passion your dreams could come true too.

My Best in Love,

Paulette

http://www.mydatingschool.com

                        Related Links:

http://www.gazillionbubbleshow.com/about.htm

http://www3.timeoutny.com/newyork/kids/blog/2008/07/17/review-the-gazillion-bubble-show/

http://www.nytheatre.com/nytheatre/gazi4785.htm

http://www.backstage.com/bso/news_reviews/nyc/review_display.jsp?vnu_content_id=1003549785